ToffeeWeb - Season 2008-09

The Mail Bag

Maybe she's right

So I took the girlfriend to the Ireland v Argentina rugby game over the weekend. She was happy enough. You know how girls are with rugby ? not a notion what's going on but transfixed by the tight tops and the like. Anyway, it was shocking stuff; a terrible game of ping pong. I apologised to her. She was upbeat because, well, you know how girls are with rugby?

So yesterday at lunch she suggests the cinema. ?Hmmm? I say, ?but the Toffees on the TV tonight?. Slightly miffed but eager to show she's a cool girlfriend she agrees to tag along. So I meet her in the local at five to eight. I order a pint and settle down. A few of the other guys giving me mental high fives (you know, ?how did you convince her that this was a good idea? ? you da man? ... that sort of thing)

The game kicks off. Saha is played in by Yak. Fine save by Kirkland. "Ohhhhhh!" she screeches, "good save!? "Er, no hun, Everton are in yellow tonight" I explain...

The game continues. I remain relatively upbeat. I explain that Wigan are a rubbish rubbish side and that Everton should really do the business, it just takes them a little time to settle sometimes. Then after about half an hour of utter dross, she opines, from nowhere: "They're terrible at kicking aren't they, Everton?"

?Huh??

?I mean every time they kick it they do it wrong??

And then it hit me. She was 100% spot on. I mean she hadn?t a clue what she was talking about really, but on another level it was the most concise piece of expert summary I had ever heard?

She soon followed this little gem up with "that guy on the right, the blonde one, why does he keep giving it to Wigan?" I began to lose heart at this point. Half way through the second half she piped up "My he's good looking?" "Yeah? I explain, ?that's Arteta - he's Spanish.." "Why does he kick the ball straight to the goalkeeper so often?"

Frankly her line of questioning had completely rattled me. As the game drifted to its inevitable conclusion and she became more and more engrossed in her text messages I finally snapped. "Right we're off ? I?ve had enough!? As I walked by the other lads watching the game I had to apologise, "I'm sorry hun, that'll never happen again..." They looked at me knowingly...

Thanks to that shower of good-for-nothing wasters who last night disgraced the same Everton shirt that my childhood heroes Ratters, Reidy and Sharpey wore with such pride I will now be going to Colin Firth's latest offering next Monday night. And you know what; it'll probably be more entertaining...
Jer Sweetnam, Cork Posted 25/11/2008 at 10:26:30

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Kevin Bennett
1 Posted 28/11/2008 at 16:36:44

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Brilliant post Jer, sound like yer lass is switched on!!

Unfortunately I would have to admit that I was more engrossed in my text messages as well while I was watching that pile of crap.

Still could have been worse could have cost you £64 for the tickets,

Seriously though when are we gonna learn, Arteta especially!! Why oh why does he have to take every free kick and corner?

Denis Byrne
2 Posted 28/11/2008 at 16:42:55

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Awesome! Nice one Jer and your Mrs really should apply for one of the coaching jobs at the club.

Much like my nine-year-old son, who, every time Jags or Lescott or Yobo pulls the trigger for another hoof down the pitch, comments... "Oh oh, here we go again dad... Hey boys, let's give it to the team in the different colour shirts!", "It's not like the footy we see in the Everton History DVD is it dad?"
"No son it's not."

After the West Ham miracle had sent the kids apoplectic with joy I had to explain to them that it was possibly the only time in their life they might see an Everton team score three goals in 5 minutes, but unquestionably not the only time they would witness such utter dire stinky poo by same Everton team.

Most depressingly, they understood and accepted this with such stoicism that I was left shedding a tear walking down some rain sodden street in West London while they both had the biggest smiling grins of satisfaction imaginable.

Oh dear, something is so terribly, pitifully wrong, isn?t it. Oh dear, oh dear... and we?re off to Spurs Sunday. But keep the postings up Jer, as we desperately need something to cheer us up at the mo? and that was a cracking piece!

Chris Lawlor
3 Posted 28/11/2008 at 17:10:48

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Here, Jer it could be worse boy, I took my lady to the game on Monday night promising that we would see a resurrgant Everton batter little Wigan. Boy was it a long drive home to Derbyshire. She froze her little arse off and I was in mourning for the Everton of last season. Next time I’ll be more cautious in my midweek adventures and you’ll be heading up the north main st to the cinema. Keep the faith kid.

Helen Pull
4 Posted 28/11/2008 at 17:53:41

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I find these articles suggesting the ?little woman who knows nothing? somewhat risible and contemptable despite the onvious twist. What is Toffeeweb suggesting by printing them ? it?s ok??

Simon Gilmovitch
5 Posted 28/11/2008 at 18:47:23

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Helen ? you sexy minx... grap you Everton scarf, you pulled :-)

Mike Coates
6 Posted 29/11/2008 at 05:56:22

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Baines in the team, no question. And taking at least half or more of the set kicks!

Are we losing or not winning games when Peanutts aint playing? What a valuable player..