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What is giving me such bad indigestion?

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It is uncanny that so many of us are able to predict the outcome of any home game. As soon as Bily scored today, me and everyone around me firstly applauded the quality of the first ten minutes of play, then almost to man qualified their comments with a "let's see if we're saying this by half time".

My next thought was " Please God — don't let Birmingham score, otherwise I'm going to have to console myself with one of the planets shittiest meat and potato pies at half time." I get heartburn virtually every week during and after each and every match. I hate half-time! It's ruining my life. First the dash to get in the queue for a piss and then the ritual 10-minute wait, re-living the ref's bad decisions, the squandered passes, the abandonment of decent passing once we score, but safe in the knowledge that I'll soon have something worse to take my mind off the inevitability of the coming 45 minutes.

Then it occurred to me... the only way to change the way things are going at the moment is to do the one thing the fans are capable of doing to change things at the moment. We don't seem to be able to change the team's morale, we can't stop the injuries, get Cahill to head like he used to, or make Jag's leg better. We'll never stop referees saving their worst performances for Goodison visits....

BUT WE CAN STOP BUYING THAT SHIT AT HALF TIME!

I know — I'm talking bullshit, but I'm desperate to go to a home game where I leave feeling upbeat, positive and safe in the knowledge that I won't be sat up at 2:00am in the morning clutching my stomach and re-living every missed opportunity I've just just forced myself to watch on MOTD2.

So, the next time you hear "Commence Operation Goodison", realise that that's the code to turn up the heat in the oven to create armadillo crusts on the pies... and stay firmly in your seats. If everyone did that, it might just make someone at Everton FC start to think that it may be time to start doing something different and to start to consider the fans.

I know... complete bollocks but clutching at straws is better than clutching my guts every weekend until May.
John Eccleston, Southport     Posted 20/12/2009 at 22:20:13

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Michael Kenrick
John, are you sure it's just the pies???
Kevin Sparke
1   Posted 21/12/2009 at 09:54:21

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The pies are all right, it’s your perception that’s wrong; call yourself an Evertonian — you should be supporting our pies and not criticising them. I remember the dark days of Walter Smith... the pies were much worse then.

Moyes can only bake the pies he can afford and unless a rich Arab stumps up some cash for better pastry we’re never going to have first class pies.

Yours truly, a pie apologist.

(If you want a decent pie try Ray’s in Prescot — their steak pies are to die for...)
Erik Dols
2   Posted 21/12/2009 at 10:30:34

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I waited for new pies to be presented all summer. We were linked with some of the finest pies in the world, prize winning and all that. At the end of the summer, one of our tastiest pies went out of sale and in panic the board brought in some mediocre pies just to fill the numbers.

And they’re way too expensive as well, just like the summer before when we had to pay huge wads of cash for an unknown Belgium pie with remarkable topping.

Ah well, I’m just glad they decided not to move our pies out of town...

Joseph Walsh
3   Posted 21/12/2009 at 10:37:41

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Kevin, I laughed at your comment, and when you have had a few bevies before the game (the Pies and the football), "Well! it ain't so bad."
Matteo Rosingana
4   Posted 21/12/2009 at 11:10:51

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In Moyes we crust.
Ray Kelly
5   Posted 21/12/2009 at 11:24:07

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You can't blame Hibbert for the pies, Osman never put enough suet in and Moyes dithered over how long before they should come out of the oven.
Gary Norman
6   Posted 21/12/2009 at 13:13:53

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Think you are being very harsh, Kenwright has been working 24/7 cooking those pies!!
Jay Harris
7   Posted 21/12/2009 at 14:07:51

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It’s the space between the pastry that’s causing the problem but keep watching it 24/7 and you’ll be going "Wow" soon enough.
Ken Buckley
8   Posted 21/12/2009 at 14:03:36

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John, I sympathise with your gastronomic problem. According to some research it has been happening for sometime and there is some evidence that suggests it may not be the pies. If you happen to drink a certain larger pre-match, it ’probably’ causes a certain sickness in most people and tends to linger until you're fully rid of it.
Charles King
9   Posted 21/12/2009 at 14:13:27

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Without Plan B, this was always on the cards. We must redevelop the pies and please no pie sharing...

Herrings in the pastry?? Oh the indignity, I just can’t deal with it.

Duncan McDine
10   Posted 21/12/2009 at 14:28:31

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You might be talking complete bollocks, but that’s one of the best threads I’ve read on TW lately.

Well done John & the rest of you for making me chuckle.

Have a good Christmas fellow Blues.

BTW - off topic, but did anyone hear the Evertonian on Radio 2 (Ken Bruce show) this morning? He knows his music trivia alright.
Larry Boner
11   Posted 21/12/2009 at 15:21:30

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Pies? Pies?
You don't know the meaning of a bad pie day. I was there when Olive got hit right in the kipper with a pork pie, thrown by a kopite, you know, the ones that scalded you to death when you took a bite out of it.

I suppose it was worth it as we knocked the RS out of the cup, 1981 I think.

Kevin Jones
12   Posted 21/12/2009 at 15:28:26

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Matteo "In Moyes We Crust." Brilliant mate
Ste Blundell
13   Posted 21/12/2009 at 16:15:34

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I don’t know about pies... it's the puddings on the pitch that are making me sick.
John Eccleston
14   Posted 21/12/2009 at 18:23:24

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Well thanks for all your suggested remedies chaps! I’ll give some a try. I’ll certainly be asking Yak about his half-time pastry choice.

Yes the decline seemed to start with the departure of Greggs. The problem is there’s no light at the end of the tunnel - next home game... Burnley... sponsored by.... They literally are a class above.

Let's just hope and pray we haven’t switched the discussion to Clatten Burgers. I mean, it just has to happen sometime doesn’t it?

Have a great Christmas and be careful what you eat

Kieran Fitzgerald
15   Posted 21/12/2009 at 19:12:41

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These two cows in a field; one cow says, "What do you make of that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "It doesn’t affect me... I’m a duck!"

My four-year-old niece would scowl at me for that one. But hey, it’s my take on all of the above.

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