The Mail Bag
How You Know You're a Mad Everton Fan - Top 10
Comments (33)
1. You honk your horn vigorously when you see someone in the street wearing an Everton shirt outside of the northwest
2. You sing songs about Phil Neville being a “superstar” better than Steven Gerrard (though there’s some truth in the Cantona/Barry Horne one!)
3. You buy Mates, not, Durex because you have an affinity with the “underdog”
4. You beat Man Utd then sing “Kopites are Gobshites” – what’s it got to do with them?
5. You won’t drink Carlsberg, take a life insurance policy out with AIG or buy a Samsung TV.
6. You can name, date, and your seat number at the Cup Winners Cup Final but not your kids' birthdays.
7. You check the results to see if Liverpool have lost before you see whether Everton have won.
8. You’d be happy with a “0-0” on derby day because you just can’t stand them beating us.
9. You buy a replica shirt and have “I 8 RED SHITE” emblazoned on the back – why?
10. You’ve got ‘Z-Cars’ for a ring tone
Feel free to add more.
Jim Brand, Posted 23/12/2009 at 15:22:38
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Michael Kenrick
Holy Mother of God... or whatever the seasonal politically correct Islamic equivalent might be.
Guilty of 1, 5, 7, 8 and 10 :)
For all the Australian fans -
You stay up till 4am in the morning every weekend watching the text commentary even when the live stream goes down...
For all the Australian fans -
You stay up till 4am in the morning every weekend watching the text commentary even when the live stream goes down...
I won’t drink that Carlsberg piss. Shite beer and shite ads. No wonder they sponsor the Shite, they’re made for each other.
Never wear any form of red t-shirt. Mrs bought me one about 3 years ago and worn it only twice.
I felt dirty both times and had to shower for 2 hours to remove the stench.
I felt dirty both times and had to shower for 2 hours to remove the stench.
You always "flick the v" at the TV when the fat Spanish waiter, Stevie the Thug G La or the Ladyboy appear on the screen............
.....but give a thumbs up to any of the Blues if they’re on!
MK, I think you will find it is ’By the Beard of The Prophet’.
Every time you go past the calender stall in the local shopping centre you find the Everton 2010 calenders that are at the back of the pile and put them at the front and take the Red Shite calender thats at the front and hide it behind the mens pin-up pile.
My wife laughs every time and thinks I’m nuts....but I told her only a blue would understand.
Merry Christmas to all Evertonians and TW readers. Let’s hope Santa brings us a Boxing Day present.
My wife laughs every time and thinks I’m nuts....but I told her only a blue would understand.
Merry Christmas to all Evertonians and TW readers. Let’s hope Santa brings us a Boxing Day present.
When reading the paper, if the word "Everton" is printed anywhere among the thousands of words, it leaps off the page and you spot it immediately.... and then read on — even if it’s about some West Indian fast bowler with the middle name of Everton, who you class straight away as a good lad.
When you’re about to watch a game involving the Shite — obviously supporting whoever they are playing — you mute the TV when the shower start singing that fucking awful song of theirs before kick off.
Should the aforementioned song be played at a function — wedding, company do etc — you immediately leave the room in protest.
Definitely applicable for us overseas Blues: If you see someone wearing an Everton shirt round the shops or out and about, you automatically like them.
When you’re about to watch a game involving the Shite — obviously supporting whoever they are playing — you mute the TV when the shower start singing that fucking awful song of theirs before kick off.
Should the aforementioned song be played at a function — wedding, company do etc — you immediately leave the room in protest.
Definitely applicable for us overseas Blues: If you see someone wearing an Everton shirt round the shops or out and about, you automatically like them.
You spend your childhood adding brown sauce to your egg and chips because your father refuses to buy red sauce.
On the first visit to my mother after we were engaged, giving her my favourite red skirt. Phil informed me that if I was still intent on marrying him, then I would never be allowed to wear it ever again.
Mrs Agneta Roberts
Mrs Agneta Roberts
Rob Pendleton, that’s genius! Definitely going to do that from now on.
When the shite are playing ANY Italian opposition in Europe you insist on having pasta and downing a bottle of Chianti.
Arrivederci e Natale Felice a tuttibr
(and you check the Italian for:
Goodbye and a Happy Christmas to all.)
Arrivederci e Natale Felice a tuttibr
(and you check the Italian for:
Goodbye and a Happy Christmas to all.)
When you are on the train/bus and you hear someones elses Z cars ringtone, you automatically turn around and give then the knowing nod.
You automatically catch tourettes whenever you hear "that song"
You automatically catch tourettes whenever you hear "that song"
Of course, you have pasta, not oasta, and you make a mental note to wear your reading glasses when on Toffeeweb.
When that funereal kopite dirge starts up you...
walk out of weddings (once, famously, accompmnied by the bride, leaving the gobshite groom at the altar);
throw beermats at the karaoke singer;
leave your pint and wait outside;
put down all your purchases in WH Smiths and walk out until it’s finished
On a different note, shove two fingers up at any image of Rooney and mouth ’Manc bastard’.
walk out of weddings (once, famously, accompmnied by the bride, leaving the gobshite groom at the altar);
throw beermats at the karaoke singer;
leave your pint and wait outside;
put down all your purchases in WH Smiths and walk out until it’s finished
On a different note, shove two fingers up at any image of Rooney and mouth ’Manc bastard’.
Rob Pendleton - I do that too!
But I strongly disagree with 7,8,9 cos I love Everton more than I even dislike them lot!
I also, when travelling on a train, activate my Z-Cars ringtone and pretend I’ve got a call just so I can let people know my allegiance. As I live in Sussex the majority probably don't give a toss (and I even got asked if I was a Watford fan once) but it gives me a (deluded) sense of superiority!
Merry Xmas Blues — I can't even imagine supporting anyone else!
But I strongly disagree with 7,8,9 cos I love Everton more than I even dislike them lot!
I also, when travelling on a train, activate my Z-Cars ringtone and pretend I’ve got a call just so I can let people know my allegiance. As I live in Sussex the majority probably don't give a toss (and I even got asked if I was a Watford fan once) but it gives me a (deluded) sense of superiority!
Merry Xmas Blues — I can't even imagine supporting anyone else!
When you look through the tv guide and see the date of a film or hear a song on the radio from 1984, the first thing you think of is "Everton won the FA Cup that year"
And being told by your dad "Ugly women mean ugly babies and never ever marry a Red Shite."
And when an opposition player plays against us who may have been on loan at Liverpool for a month in 1998 you still can't help but call him a dirty kopite [insert expletive here].
And being told by your dad "Ugly women mean ugly babies and never ever marry a Red Shite."
And when an opposition player plays against us who may have been on loan at Liverpool for a month in 1998 you still can't help but call him a dirty kopite [insert expletive here].
In weddings when the church plays Lord of the Dance you naturally go into Run Run... then you have to stop yourself.
Xmas songs like Hark now hear... Jingle Bells etc, you think of the Everton versions!
Xmas songs like Hark now hear... Jingle Bells etc, you think of the Everton versions!
Mark Murphy — I'm from Sussex too and I do exactly the same thing with the ringtone in trains or supermarkets etc. I'm consistantly surprised by how many other Blues there are down this way! I guess I shouldn't be really, why in the name of everything that is good in the world would you support anyone else???? ;)
On holiday, I feel compelled to challenge any football shirt shop/stall I pass that doesn’t stock Everton shirts. I then proceed to give a 10-minute history lesson to the relevant confused local owner...
We don’t have anything red in the house, curtains, carpets, paintings have no red content in them at all. My other half is a Man Utd fan, but she indulges me.
You could see Peter Kay base a whole routine around this.
While on a date, even if things are going very very well, when she says, “Who do you support? My dad is a red.’’ You text your mate to give you a ring. When he does, the sound of Z-Cars blares out. You stand up, give her a kiss on the cheek, wish her all the best in her life and then walk out of the pub / restaurant / hotel room... knowing full well that if you end up getting married and having kids, her dad will be trying to by baby Duncan redshite kits!
And... when the people in the office you work in get the Christmas deccies out, you root around the box for blue tinsel to put around your desk!
And... when the people in the office you work in get the Christmas deccies out, you root around the box for blue tinsel to put around your desk!
Adam, my bird’s dad is a dirty red and she says she is in spirit a red. If I ever have kids with her, he is going nowhere near the kid and she will have to covert to the Light.
You love the film 'Virus' because the captain of the ship's name is Everton.
And... the best line EVER spoken in a film when the captain is fighting the alien machine "EVERTON IS THE SUPERIOR LIFEFORM"
A must own film for every Everton fan!
And... the best line EVER spoken in a film when the captain is fighting the alien machine "EVERTON IS THE SUPERIOR LIFEFORM"
A must own film for every Everton fan!
I used to work in a sports shop when I was at university and used to get in trouble for putting all the Blues shirts in front of the Redshite ones and for refusing to touch one of their shirts! So if anyone wanted to buy one I had to get someone else over to serve them. Who knows what I could have caught from it?
1 - Asking so-called Liverpool supporters who the last manager of Liverpool was not to win at least one trophy.
2 - Asking God when Liverpool's contract with the devil ends.
3 - Counting the number of "supporters" firing off cameras when Torres or Gerrard scores.
4 - Hating Tarbuck because he is not only a RS but also a Tory.
5 - Thousands of foreigners in Liverpool town center when the RS are at home, all with at least 6 bags of RS merchandise each and dressed head to foot in Liverpool gear.
6 - People who have never been the game asking you why you support Everton instead of Liverpool.
7 - Itemising the trophies they have won through monumental luck, then they calling you a bitter blue.
8 - Your son able to rip any RS with his knowledge of football.
9 - Everyone who signs for Liverpool being a lifelong supporter, even tho the have never been to Anfield.
10 - Crying when you sit and watch some of the old games,1966 FA cup, Temples winner, Inchy's goal in the semi, Tricky Trev's against Bayern, Sharpy's at Anfield and the guy with the anorak and glasses running on the pitch.
2 - Asking God when Liverpool's contract with the devil ends.
3 - Counting the number of "supporters" firing off cameras when Torres or Gerrard scores.
4 - Hating Tarbuck because he is not only a RS but also a Tory.
5 - Thousands of foreigners in Liverpool town center when the RS are at home, all with at least 6 bags of RS merchandise each and dressed head to foot in Liverpool gear.
6 - People who have never been the game asking you why you support Everton instead of Liverpool.
7 - Itemising the trophies they have won through monumental luck, then they calling you a bitter blue.
8 - Your son able to rip any RS with his knowledge of football.
9 - Everyone who signs for Liverpool being a lifelong supporter, even tho the have never been to Anfield.
10 - Crying when you sit and watch some of the old games,1966 FA cup, Temples winner, Inchy's goal in the semi, Tricky Trev's against Bayern, Sharpy's at Anfield and the guy with the anorak and glasses running on the pitch.
Reading back thro the above it seems I hate Liverpool as much as I love Everton — now that's what I call a real Bluenose.
Living away from Liverpool, when people hear my accent, they will ask Red or Blue? This is usually code for we have Everton allegiances somewhere in the family but a bit reluctant about going public.
After much "1878, first in the city, founder members, most points in top flight, Dixie, Holy Trinity, Kendall’s boys, Golden Vision" et al, we all depart in good spirits, the gospel well and truly preached.
The alternative is the RS accolyte who immediately assumes you’re one of them. After much "1878, first in the city, founder members, most points in top flight, Dixie, Holy Trinity, Kendall’s boys, Golden Vision et al, we all depart — and I’m certainly in good spirit!
Telling people you follow the True Faith, Everton FC.
One that I, and I am sure many have been guilty of is antagonising a female because you need to watch Everton. And let’s face facts, all of us who committed this crime would do the exact same thing again. In other words, move over darling — Everton is more important.
When I pop my clogs I’m getting cremated in a LFC strip... I’d rather see one of the other lot going than one of ours.
Purposely slowing down on the road if someone behind you has LFC in their number plate.
Hoping that someone with LFC in their number plate NEVER lets you out onto the road as you begrudge thanking them.
Sitting on a train and singing ’Fuck off Back to Norway’ to yourself.
Hoping that someone with LFC in their number plate NEVER lets you out onto the road as you begrudge thanking them.
Sitting on a train and singing ’Fuck off Back to Norway’ to yourself.
You turn the radio off if the dark side win "Battle of the Mersey" on Terrace Talk, and THAT song is played.
Converseley you turn it up if we win it and Z Cars is played.
I know ’cos I’ve just done it!
Converseley you turn it up if we win it and Z Cars is played.
I know ’cos I’ve just done it!
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