The Mail Bag
Mr W R Deanovich
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So you're on holiday in Benalmedena, a kid's drowning in the sea, you pile in pull him out and save his life, turns out he's the only son of one of the richest men on earth.
The doting father, Mr W R Deanovich, invites you to his palatial mansion above the picturesque village of Mijas he gives you a million quid as reward and asks is there anything more he can do....... then, pointing to the badge on your shirt he asks "What is Nil Satis Nisi Optimum?"
That night at the karaoke, you sing Tony Christies "Amarillo" like never before, for you are now the advisor of your new Blue Brother, Mr Deanovich, he has wanted to invest in football for some time but couldn't find a club of history, integrity, of potential majesty... as he says "Class is never cheap, would a billion be a good start?"......
What would you do first?
I'd clear the area near the top of Breck Road in Everton and commission a multi-use stadium with all the shops, hotel, museum facilities attached, and a removable pitch to ensure a good playing surface. It would be the most prominent building overlooking the Mersey with all the historic connotations nearby; I'd call it "Dixieland".
Charles King, Posted 12/08/2010 at 16:47:33
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However, if I lost myself in fantasy land, I'd probably build a mediocre stadium in Kirkby with a joint venture helping Tesco fund a supermarket next door... they're a bit strapped for cash, so I'd happily help them out.
Mr. Brendan McLaughlin
Ah, happy days.
I'd find a way to make Goodison work. I don't care if we have buy half the surrounding estate.
Then I would turn to Moyes and say; "Do what needs to be done" before handing him a blank cheque.
Issue Pienaar with an ultimatum (sign this improved contract or leave) and sign Ozil.
Finally, after some dinner, I would get some sleep.
After all, he's unproven with a big budget and we want our club to be great again with our suddenly acquired wealth.
Would you still want Jagielka and Pienaar? Saha wouldn't get another game. Rodwell might not get his chance as we flood the team with expensive signings. We wouldn't give Bily the chance to come good. Howard would be fooked straight off and Hibbert & Osman wouldn't even be training with the first team squad. We might be able to do better than Baines and Heitinga.
Personally I think the struggle is part of the journey and wouldn't want a billion pounds. If Mr Deanovich wants to build a stadium (not too big, not too flash), pay off the debts, and maybe make 20m available for signings then I'd be happy.
Nil Satis Nisi Optimum... doesn't necessarily mean that we have to have best at all costs.
By the way, Charles, you'll never get my Auntie Em to move off Breck Rd ? no matter how much money you offer.
The best thing to do would be to hire an actor to front the whole thing ? it worked for the US in the 80s. I would instruct him to act like Mr McGoo meets Inspector Cleasau. With him at the helm, we could steadily increase our stock, pleading poverty in or to avoid inflated prices or ridiculous wage bills. We would try to hold off until the final moments of the transfer window to suddenly whip out a treat for the manager to spend.
I would ensure that I wind and dined Blatter and Platini, ensuring that those few clubs that have the money to purchase and entire squad each season are restricted and cannot simply have an 80 man squad. I would also turn up the heat on those irresponsible clubs who've leveraged debts which could have paid for the Star Wars (against Russia, as opposed to Darth Vader).
I would then wait until Christmas, when Moyes is showing he can compete with The Sky brigade who are all whining because they've suffered injuries and a 25 man squad is impossible to work with, before stepping out of the shadows and announcing phase 2... a 30 tier Super Stadium in Stanley Park, with hotels, gym, mega store and stables for unicorns. The waste management for such a beast would have towell thought out and I'd propose that we use our old stadium for this, no not Goodison which would be a museum an shrine to the club's history, but the other one where our neighbours have had the use of now for a while ? we'd relocate them "free" of charge, and I think I know just the place.
Mixed families would have to appear before me in order to plead their case but may have to separate.
The stadium would be the most unusual and inspiring in the world. It would be a x2 reproduction of the original but with three tiers and based on the Bullens road layout (but without the lower!) The old ironwork would be faithfully reproduced in blue platinum and the wood would be reproduced in gleaming ebony.
The church would remain but would be incorporated WITHIN the stadium, and spotlighted in blue light before and after the game, or when Everton scored.
Season tickets would be free for the first 5 years, rising progressively from £1 to £10 over the following decade. Every section would have it's own waitresses and I'd get the stadium a pub license so that there was no need to go home after the game and a dance floor would slide out over the pitch for entertainment after the final whistle.
A marble causeway would be built straight to the ground from the Pier head, containing statues of every player to have worn the shirt (except Bernie the Bolt) and with the names of every supporter etched onto the walls.....all 75 million of them by then!
That would be nice wouldn't it?
I'm seeing...
Sun-dried curry and chips.
Meat and potato pie chips and gravy infused with lavender.
Potato scallops in a Rosemary jus.
Beer battered cod with lentils on a bed of rocket.
Pan-fried (like there's something else to fucking fry in) tempura spring rolls.
("Plenty of sea salt and vinaigrette lad")
I for one will not stand for it.
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1 Posted 12/08/2010 at 20:12:48
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