NICK ARMITAGE COLUMN

Summer is Bollocks

By Nick Armitage : 19/06/2007 :

Comments (5) :

Admit it, if the sun didn?t shine we?d all want to hibernate for the three months when there is no real footy because let?s face it, cricket is shit. The last game of last season was great, not the one at Stamford Bridge, the one in Athens, but from then until the second week in August we?ve got nothing to entertain us other than outdoor drinking and annoying the neighbours by starting barbeques when they?ve just put their washing out.

They call this the silly season, but they have to call it something otherwise it would simply be the non-event that it actually is, and that just wouldn?t do for newspaper sales would it? If you haven?t been following the garbage in the tabloids or on Sky Sports Snooze recently, I?ve had a bit of spare time so I?ll fill you in.

Luckily for us the twenty million pound, ninety grand a week package for AJ from West Ham never did materialise and fortunately they decided not to flex their vast financial muscles by taking Arteta or Cahill off us as well. West Ham now are going to sign Manuel Fernandes because David Moyes doesn?t like the price tag that his bent money grabbing owners have slapped on him, or perhaps Moyes was just jealous of his skirt lifting ability and long hair ? in either case, the second he cracked in his goal against that snide twat Van der Sar, we all knew he wasn?t gonna be a blue next season.

Phil Jagielka will be yet another defensive utility man for Everton soon, but Phil won?t be officially signing on the dotted line until he is called ?Jags? by Evertonfc.com on at least two separate occasions. Another Jags that will be signing is John ?two Jags? Prescott. Of course the giftless shirt button burster won?t be signing for Everton, but thankfully in the not too distant future he?ll be finally fucking off from the Houses of Parliament and his taxpayer subsidised grace and favour residencies and signing on for his Job Seekers Allowance.

LA Galaxy coach Frank Yallop has told us that we can?t have David Beckham on loan for our right wing after the Major League Soccer season ends, but David Moyes isn?t stupid, and after being rebuffed by those crazy Yanks he is ?readying a ten million pound bid? to strengthen our left wing with Stewart Downing. Beckham and Downing are both excellent crossers who could fire in pinpoint crosses for ?mad Evertonian? and ?classic British centre-forward? David Nugent, who now definitely is, and now definitely isn?t going to be playing for his boyhood heroes.

Two more players who would benefit from Becks and Downing on the flanks are Bobby Zamora and Alan Smith who are both ?interesting Moyes? for a fourth consecutive year. However, redshite Jason Koumas, will enter the Guinness Book of Records 2008 by stating, ?Everton is my dream move? and we are about to sign him for a record smashing sixth consecutive year.

Elsewhere in other news, Liverpool Football Club is now under the full control of a consortium of Texans ? nothing new there. The ex-boyfriend of Big Brother?s Charley said she used to take her clothes off and is only obsessed with fame and money, and the ex-girlfriend of Ziggy thinks he is egotistical and manipulative and his only interests are money and fame.

None of the bollocks mentioned above is of any particular importance or interest, except for Phil Jagielka who, in all probability will join. Jagielka isn?t going to get the Goodison juices flowing and personally, I can?t see the point of signing another Phil Neville but what do I know?

Perhaps the most important thing that has happened since the end of last season, and which doesn?t involve money so won?t be appearing on any back pages, is the return to full fitness of Andy Johnson and Tim Cahill. Those two fellas will be vital to us in what is going to be a long season starting with Wigan at home, and despite all this silliness and stupidity, I can?t wait for it.

Reader Comments

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Santosh Benjamin
1 Posted 19/06/2007 at 10:21:45

Funny article studded with relevant points too.Very true about the summer really being something i can do without.
I still have to work the same hours(as a doctor) and dont have the satisfaction of sitting in front of the telly on Sat/Sun and leaving everything else behind as i watch us play.
Thanks again for the nice article, Nick!

Mike Squires
2 Posted 20/06/2007 at 16:40:36

There’s nothing wrong with Cricket, don’t forget our great club was spawned from St Domingo Cricket Club. Still, your post was quite amusing.

Matthew Johnson
3 Posted 21/06/2007 at 09:10:16

Nick, cheer up son. I’ll buy you a beer at the Wigan game.

Sean Berry
4 Posted 21/06/2007 at 13:56:57

Surely having AJ and Tim back to full fitness will be ’akin to making two new signings’.There I’ve said it before the Echo!

Jack D
5 Posted 23/06/2007 at 09:35:26

i like the sound of downing, beckham would be real nice and i dont mind koumas and Nugent but if had bobby zee then there would have 2 be a major rotation system maybe something like zamora aj europe and nugent aj premiership??

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