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My Derby Utopia

By Thomas Butler :  06/01/2009 :  Comments (38) :
We may be playing Hull this Saturday, but believe me, I know it, you know, we all know it. There?s only game your thinking about now, and its definitely not the Hull game on Saturday.

It's been a menace on your mind quite often. The excitement, the passion, the fear, the dread, the nervousness, and in some cases I know of, the hatred of it, in Work, School, on the bus, or out in the garden with your kids. These are the moments where you?ve probably taken a minute or so to just thinking and hoping We?ll beat THEM. If you take an extra moment or too, you start to daydream about how we're going to beat them, by how much, at what end, and how you're going to celebrate. You can almost picture the goals being scored, the players wheeling away in celebration, and the fans going absolutely mental.

Thought processes like this go on and on. If you're in work you can't work, and if you're in school you can't try, if you're talking to your best mate/dad who happens to be (unfortunately in both my cases) a red, you can't speak, and when your mum talks to you, you're unable to listen. Bring on Monday, bring on Sunday is all that is in your head.

I most definitely have my own idea of what would be a utopian unravelling of events, listed below, for either, preferably both, of the two games. This Utopia is one that?s been in my head since April 1999 when Robbie Fowler levelled Olivier Dacourt?s 40-second opener. I?ve been there many times since, 9 to be exact, witnessed two 0-0 draws, and 7 rather painful defeats, and a lot of other stuff to go with it. What I want to happen in either/both of these two games has had a lot of time to manifest its clarity in my mind. Especially having only had the pleasure, despite numerous times of being in attendance, of only seeing ONE derby victory when Carsley scored, that was good enough, and that was at Goodison. So the yearning for a victory at Anfield is something I can literally taste... it?ll taste better than any fine wine, champagne, lasagna or cheesecake. In short, it?ll be payback for 10 years of under-achievement against our Red and White cousins across the park.

My Utopia goes something like this, picture it if you can. This applies to both League & Cup games, we don't want to mess up both don?t we? By the Sunday they?ll be sick of the sight of us.

Here goes.

Set off for the pub. In a mood like I will be on day like this, I will be desperate to avoid and will manage not viewing any article relating to Liverpool presenting itself in front of me, especially Liverpool shirts or those beloved stupid scarfs they're so fond of wearing, particularly as I once saw, in summer, when they wear three!

I, unlike every other time and every other derby, will as usual be in the pub early only this time, I will be calm, relaxed, not a nervous wreck sitting on the floor in the corner chewing my nails, ignoring the pint of Guinness I bought myself, and not ignoring the endless text messages off my Kopite Dad to see whether I?m alright, and actually have the bollocks to speak to him, whatever little we can both manage. I will try as I and everyone else always does not to overdo it on the ale. As I gradually get more drunk, I go into my ?Zone?. This is where the Utopia really comes out, goes into overdrive and I lose all sense of what?s around me, and I let it flow.

It?s a picture of the big, magnificence of the Kop, the arrogance of it, the pressure they throw on their team's players, the expectation, and the hope that within the first five minutes Everton Football Club will stick all that up their noses and settle my nerves as well by Cahill ghosting in at the far post and well and truly silencing their lot. Hopefully this will also help our songs, in the whole joy of the situation, stem from topics only involving EVERTON.

In situations like that, you expect a rocky ride; you have to... you have to earn something like this ? it can't just be given to you. I?d love to see their hopes rise that they're going to get back into the game and, just as they think they are, we break away on the counter-attack, you can hear their inrush of breath go to an exhalation of pure tension, whilst Osman rushes 20 yards unchallenged towards the onrushing Reina guarding the Anfield Road net with every last one of the 6,100 Evertonians behind it holding their breath...


Leon, keeps his cool, slots it round the keeper into the empty net, giving those urchins a big slice of humble pie and our own satisfaction that we?ve ruined their league and cup hopes. Then the realisation that something you?ve desired to see for YEARS has finally happened and the feeling of elation finally makes its way flowing through your body, along with dozens of other delighted Evertonians who will hopefully and probably be heading in the general direction of the pub for quite a large lock out, laughing at all the Liverpool home fans coaches with ?Stoke? and ?Bristol? written all over them along the way.

That?s my utopia. I might even wager it with Ladbrokes. So come on Blues, let's shut them up, do ourselves proud and get the bragging rights back on our side, and hopefully, some silverware in the process as well.

Nil Satis

Reader Comments

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Kase Chow
1   Posted 07/01/2009 at 08:12:15

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Please please let?s best them twice thereby derailing their league challenge and us progressing towards a 6th FA Cup win. I?d even forgive last summer...
Nick Swallow
2   Posted 07/01/2009 at 09:10:15

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I am on one of the most beautiful beaches in Thailand but I have had to come off it and find an internet cafe to look for news cos all I can think of is doing them bastards twice.
Dave Lynch
3   Posted 07/01/2009 at 09:20:26

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What?s the bet we have to play the ref as well. Remember Clattenburg, the Hutchison goal and numerous other incidents, including that horriffic tackle by the anti-christ Gerrard as well as that tackle by Kuyt. That's my fear for the games. On an even playing field I think we can do em. History and the biased reffing dictates otherwise.
Erik Dols
4   Posted 07/01/2009 at 09:30:22

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Winning in Mordor twice would give me a big, big smile on my face for a long period...
Gary O'Brien
5   Posted 07/01/2009 at 11:51:11

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A draw would do in the league game, the red shite drop 2 points ! In the cup game, I'm dreaming of a Phil Neville 94th-min winner, Anfield Road end... 6,100 Evertonians go absolutely wild! Bring it on!!!
Rob Foy
6   Posted 07/01/2009 at 12:07:41

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For me, I hope they play us off the park and batter us both games, but a dodgy penalty is given in both games for us to snatch it. Give them a taste of how we feel half of the time!

No, in all fairness I just want to see us actually fight this time and not roll over and die like the last two derbies. If we work our balls off and get beat, so be it. It will be hard to accept but as long as we walk out of it with our heads held high, thats my priority personally. They are beatable if you work hard. Any other season and they would NOT be top of the league. Dream land here, but imagine we put 3 or 4 past the fuckers?

Since City away, the team have grown their bollocks back. This is the perfect opportunity to cement this!
Ste Boileau
7   Posted 07/01/2009 at 12:37:07

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I bet you my lunch money that this happens:

1. Shocking refereeing decision towards the RS resulting in a goal wiped out for Everton and a penalty or 2 for the shower
2. One of our players will be sent off for next to nothing whilst Stevie G(BH) chases the ref around the pitch flapping his arms around claiming his inocence after cutting Osman in half
3. We will be branded ?thuggish? Everton for trying to get stuck in and the games will be seen as Beauty V The Beast, with the lovely game coming out winner.

Steve Sweeney
8   Posted 07/01/2009 at 14:22:59

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I really don?t want to think about this, we have to beat them twice, just to rub that smug fucking smile from their horrible faces. The one thing I fear is that we will get 2 straight red cards for Fellaini and Lescott so that they will miss the cup game. I hate these fucking biased Refs.
Erik Dols
9   Posted 07/01/2009 at 14:31:23

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Steven Gerrard getting a straight red is against all odds, but it would be another day in paradise for me!
Chris Lawlor
10   Posted 07/01/2009 at 16:13:53

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I am normally the most optimistic bloke in the world but when it comes to Derby day I?m in tatters. Even when we were 2 up a few years back with 8 mins left I thought we?d lose.

I?m hoping with all my being for a win in either game but I just cant see it happening. Sorry to be negative already... I hate derby day... I really do..

Jay Campbell
11   Posted 07/01/2009 at 16:37:53

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If there is any justice in this world we will fucken twat them twice.
Adam Drewery
12   Posted 07/01/2009 at 17:09:03

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Anything, anything in the world to beat them. Anything...
James Welshy
13   Posted 07/01/2009 at 17:36:39

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would love it if it were a close match, coming up to 80mins and you look over to moyes and dan gosling is taking his tracksuit off... echos around the shithole his name... ball comes to gosling 86min 35 yards out and scores a f***ing screamer!!!!!!

all the kopites will be in tears while the blue boys will be laughing!! COYB!!
Steve Murray
14   Posted 07/01/2009 at 18:16:06

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Great article... took the words out of my mouth. How about 1-1 in the dying seconds, Everton free-kick 10 yards inside the shite half, jags clips it forward, a floppy Reina indecisively comes to punch and Fellaini's afro rises, beating baldi waiter and touch of a dagger, glances it in of the underside into an empty Annie Road net.... mayhem in the Everton end... dozens on the pitch including Moysey and the subs, the bizzies lock us in and we have Anfield to ourselves to sing and we love our Neville Southall!!!!!!!!!!!! COYB

1 out the 2 will do me... but the cup would be more giigles as we get Torquay or someone in the 5th Round.

Nicholas Randall
15   Posted 07/01/2009 at 20:56:03

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I am from Stoke and have been following Everton for a number of years and nowadays there don?t seem to be that many Liverpool fans around Stoke and not all Everton fans are locally based. You seem to imply that they are and I find your comments offensive.
Robbie Carew
16   Posted 07/01/2009 at 22:35:13

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You all have no idea how much this means to me... Oh wait you do. I hope Carragher wont rape Lescott this time.
Keith Glazzard
17   Posted 07/01/2009 at 23:14:45

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Nicholas R - please don?t take it personally.

Particularly at times like these some of the bretheren get a little tribal, and might brand someone from as far away as Ellesmere Port (see Wikipedia) as unworthy. This will pass, and the good times will come. Keep the faith. Amen.
Ashley Williams
18   Posted 07/01/2009 at 23:54:01

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Gerrard will be playing as if the ball is his own ... problem is, it will be secured to his ankle by a chain!!!!
Martin Cutler
19   Posted 08/01/2009 at 00:48:11

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Brilliant posting and very nice feedback by all above (especially Erik's reference to Mordor!).

Personally, as long as we win at least one of them I?ll be happy (I would lean towards the FA Cup) but the sheer mind-boggling thought that we?d beat them twice is just too much to contemplate! NOT because it can?t be done (I have every belief we can do ?em twice) but the sheer drunken, delirious, happy, state I?d be in if that happened doesn?t bear thinking about!

An added bonus would be seeing that wanker Gerrard get red-carded.... oh, and Kuyt too! That would be even better!

Matthew Salem
20   Posted 08/01/2009 at 02:39:00

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Chris Lawlor,

I as fucking scared as you are. We are all screaming for Redshite blood right now, but I hate to imagine how we would feel should we exit the FA Cup (our only remaining hope for long-overdue silverware) at the hands of the Shite. I admit to being a coward!
Jason Lam
21   Posted 08/01/2009 at 03:28:40

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Article "My Derby Nightmare" will be on TW soon.

I hope Gerrard gets booked for diving at Anfield but I’m not holding my breath. Sorry. COYB.
Paul Withe
22   Posted 08/01/2009 at 08:57:46

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Obviously, a double win would be heaven. But if I had to choose, would rather us beat them in the league, screw up their position and gain points on Villa and Arse. I am praying for a last minute Cahill header at the Anfield Road end...
Chris Fisher
23   Posted 08/01/2009 at 09:28:35

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Paul Withe, no way!! You don't win anything for finishing 4th or 5th. I would much rather make do with 6th in the league for this year and win the FA Cup. I want to see us with some silverware, something to shout about... What are we going to have to show off if we finish 4th or 5th? The fact that we have finished behind the shite again?! Think about it! I truly beleive that if we beat that lot in the Cup we will go on to win it. Anyway we don't have to pick one! We?ll just beat them twice!!!
James Lauwervine
24   Posted 08/01/2009 at 09:41:50

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I?ve taken an oath to lay off the ale for January and have managed a week so far, which for me is remarkable I can tell you.

When I sat and watched the draw last Sunday and the Shite came out the hat first I just knew (as did many of you I?m sure) that we would be next. It felt like destiny, it also felt like my chances of making it to the end of the month alcohol free had completely disappeared.
Mark Ridings
25   Posted 08/01/2009 at 10:46:37

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Great Post Thomas,

Like many old buggers, I’ve seen everything in derbies from; the late Maine Road offside robbery from dickhead ref Clive Thomas; Andy Kings top corner winner at the Park End; the painfull 0-5 drubbing at GP and Sharpy’s classic at Anfield.

I’m in Brisbane these days but hope Moyesy fires the boys up so we play like 2nd half of the Manure game and get stuck into the bastards.

2-1 for us in the EPL and 1-0 for the Cup will do for me........ with Steve GBH watching from his cell with Jan Molby.

Denis Carlyle
26   Posted 08/01/2009 at 13:18:03

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What would it feel like to see the spoilt kids from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory take two beatings by the wholesome, honest blue Charlie Buckett? That?s all they are, spoilt. You knew even after you?d read that book/watched that film, those miserable liitle hard faced bastards learned nothing of honesty, sharing, truth. Like every kopite prick you meet. Can?t win or lose with an ounce of olivier dacourem. Just hope if the Miricale at Rikers Island is completed, we act as honest and as noble as Charlie..... Nah fuckit! Rub it in!
Kase Chow
27   Posted 08/01/2009 at 13:35:47

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Here?s a question:

Would you rather:

a) lose in the league (and they go on to win the Premier League) and win in the cup (and we go on to win the FA Cup)?


b) win in the league (and they lose the league by 3 points) and lose in the cup (and neither club win the FA Cup)?

Would you take a trophy for them taking a trophy OR would you rather not take the Cup so they don?t take the league.

Silly question I know but I?m interested in the opinions...
Ed Fitzgerald
28   Posted 08/01/2009 at 15:09:50

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Yes a stupid question Kase but if really pushed I would sooner beat them in the league if it denied them the league.
Allan Hounsgaard
29   Posted 08/01/2009 at 15:00:56

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Re: Kase Chow

B for sure.
Kase Chow
30   Posted 08/01/2009 at 15:18:09

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See, here’s the deal.

I’d rather scenario A because I’m DESPERATE for success. I really really wanna win something. 13 years ago is too long (I was there).

I just want our day out in the sun, even if it meant that shite having theirs too...
Davey Adams
31   Posted 08/01/2009 at 15:50:00

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I didn?t realise how much I hated Liverpool until I sat down after reading this article and thought about it.... I hate Liverpool fans; I hate bitter Liverpool fans; I hate foreign Liverpool fans; I hate arrogant Liverpool fans; I hate cocky Liverpool fans; I hate Anfield; I hate the Kop; I hate the flags; I hate the banners; I hate the scarves; I hate the Anfield Road end; I hate the seats; I hate the Shankly Gates; I hate Shankly; I hate Torres; I hate Gerrard; I hate Benitez; I hate Benitez?s bitter comments; I hate Bill Shankly; I hate Bob Paisley; I hate Ian Rush; I hate John Aldridge; I hate Phil Thompson on Gillette Soccer Saturday; I hate the Liverpool badge; I hate the liver bird; I hate the twig in its mouth; I hate You'll Never Walk Alone; I hate Gerry and the Pacemakers; I hate the name of our city; I hate "It's too hard to get a ticket for the Liverpool match"; I hate the Liverpool shop; I hate the colour red; I hate Istanbul; I hate 5 times; I hate the badge man; I hate liverpool songs!! God how I hate that team!!!
Kase Chow
32   Posted 08/01/2009 at 17:35:39

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So Davey, We get a trophy and so do they (option A)


Neither (option B).

Do you hate them MORE than you love us?
Denis Carlyle
33   Posted 08/01/2009 at 17:40:08

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Nah, you can?t hate them more than you love the blues, cause like "good, good, your anger is drawing you to the dark side luke!" or something. If you, for instance ran a campaign of hate against Steven Gerrard because his club are backing a convicted man, that would be just silly wouldn?t it? Cause like Joey Barton is probably like a great after-dinner speaker, regailing us with his gladiatorial quests of Popeyed proportion, he?s just mis-understood. (parp)
Tom Edwards
34   Posted 08/01/2009 at 18:36:20

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The only thing that will be a certainty is that at least one of our players is sent off in each game and the shite will be the recipients of a dubious goal or penalty.

Mark my words.....we do not fare well against that lot because of refs.
Bill Hoskins
35   Posted 08/01/2009 at 20:42:13

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In the league: Carragher conceding a penalty at the Kop in the final minute (Arteta scores) then being sent off (finally) for dissent would would be my dream. Suspended for the next game, Carragher will watch from the stands as Fellaini scores early and the blues defend resolutely to grind out another narrow one nil. Please god.
Dave Wilson
36   Posted 09/01/2009 at 06:56:52

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Davey Adams

Post of the week, funny stuff.
I didn't realise how much I too hated that fucken twig in the Liver bird's mouth, until you pointed it out.

When are you going to finish your list ?
Davey Adams
37   Posted 09/01/2009 at 17:40:06

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Option A, I hate them so much but I love Everton even more, you should see my ?How much I love Everton' list. Haha Dave, I could go on all day mate, continue if you wish.
Ray Williams
38   Posted 09/01/2009 at 23:13:32

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Davey Adams

You seem to have forgotten the obvious, or are you too young to remember?
I still wear my "I hate Emlyn Hughes" badge at every game I go to!

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