Skip to Main Content
Members:   Log In Sign Up
Text:  A  A  A

Let's pretend Moyes visits Heston thingy's caff..

By EJ Ruane :  24/03/2009 :  Comments (37) :
And as a result of food poisoning, can't attend the Wigan game. Anyway, long story short, they put me in charge (yes and Round was with him...ok!) So, what do I do?

Well apart from the obvious (ie: carving 'Kenwright out!' and 'KEIOC!' all over the changies) I would have a word with Tim Howard. Nothing critical mind, just an instruction:

"Tim ? for the first five minutes of each half, you can't... you must NOT distribute the ball with your foot. You MUST roll or throw it out"

I would then grab Hibbo, Jags, Lescott and Baines and say "Back-four huddle guuuuyz! Ok [whispers] right, for the first five minutes, you can ONLY pass the ball to a player in your own half"

And what would this 'achieve'? Well, there's an odd thing about Everton (maybe with other sides as well but I only notice it with us). Whatever the 'pattern' of the first five minutes or so, that's it.

What I mean is that ? is ? IT!!

Blackburn away was a good example: as you watched the ball being hoofed and headed up in the air for the first 5 minutes, you kind of knew what the other 85 would be like. I never, not for one second thought, "after 15/20 mins we'll start to get the ball down and play".

The Stoke (H) game was really odd: 2nd minute (well... really early on), Tim rolls the ball to Baines and for the entire half we're knocking it about on the deck, working openings, we're confident and they look like... what they are.

Half-time, we're 2 up, it's a practice game ? piece of urine.

Second half, Tim bleedin' leathers the thing up the park first time he gets it and... well, two COMPLETELY different sides. One good to watch and effective, the other just... erm... fuckin'... um... 'Walterish'.

It's as if the first five minutes sets the pattern for each half and there's some unwritten code that says [Carlsberg ad voice] "Break ye not the pattern of the first 5 ? those who do will be called gay by the rest of the lads".

Maybe Moyes needs to develop one of those number codes Cus D'Amato had for Tyson: "Mike, mike: 7-7-9" ... That might seem OTT but maybe these lads NEED to be told... well... everything.

I know me screaming "Get it on the fuucking deck!!! [SFX: hoofing sound] Oh for fuck's sake...HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES EVERTON!!?" just doesn't work. And I'm the gaffer for fuc... oh no ? that was just pretend, wasn't it.


Reader Comments

Note: the following content is not moderated or vetted by the site owners at the time of submission. Comments are the responsibility of the poster. Disclaimer

Dave Brent
1   Posted 24/03/2009 at 15:33:19

Report abuse

EJ Ruane is a really funny guy. Ha ha ha ha ha.

See that. I?m LOL?ing... ha ha ha

EJ ? Comedy genius.
Paul Connell
2   Posted 24/03/2009 at 16:22:58

Report abuse

I can?t believe you wasted so much of you?re time writing this incoherent irrational nonsense.

Enough said.
Dave Wilson
3   Posted 24/03/2009 at 16:40:49

Report abuse

Many a true word spoken in jest...
Brian Waring
4   Posted 24/03/2009 at 18:42:34

Report abuse

Dave Wilson, ditto.
Christine Foster
5   Posted 24/03/2009 at 19:12:23

Report abuse

For gods sake, somebody take a car horn to the match and EVERY time it's hoofed, give it a blast!!! The team will soon get the message and revert to playing it on the deck...
Micky Norman
6   Posted 24/03/2009 at 19:28:37

Report abuse

Very good but...... what happened to the theory on Saturday?
James Boden
7   Posted 24/03/2009 at 19:34:30

Report abuse

Good advice Christine but the fans would probably tire of it long before the team get the message. Nice that someone can find humour out of watching this shower of shite.
Tony Williams
8   Posted 24/03/2009 at 20:04:21

Report abuse

Not too sure about humour, James, but I get some satisfaction looking at the table and thinking that we could be heading to Europe again for the third time in as many years ? something that has not been done before.

So ths "shower of shite" must be doing something right.
Jay Harris
9   Posted 24/03/2009 at 21:03:30

Report abuse

Well said, Tony.

If we were playing the Middlesborough way with entertaining passing with no end product and no goals for with the defence constantly under pressure cos they can't keep the ball the same people would be on here saying why can't we clear the ball upfield.

No other prem side could play so well with half the first team squad injured and at least 3 first choice players out.

Yes football is a simple game ? the team with the best quality players playing as a team usually wins.

Given our injuries and the start to the season, I?m delirious about where we are now but equally disappointed in some of Moyes selections and lack of substitutions recently but could I do a better job in terms of results ? hell no!!
James Boden
10   Posted 24/03/2009 at 20:51:24

Report abuse

Ok Tony so it look?s like we will be in Europe next season. Great. But are you telling me that the performances not just on Saturday, but against Blackburn and Newcastle were acceptable? Unless I?m going funny in the head they were rather dire... 2 points out of a possible 9 with just 1 goal which indeed was our only shot on target during this period. Is that doing something right?

And please do not give me the "well they are fighting relegation so it?s going to be tough" ? Do you know why the are fighting relegation? Because they are shit!

Also to your point about Moyes being the 1st Everton manager to get us itno Europe 3rd years on the bounce ? Please do not give him wrongful credit. We got into Europe 5 years on the spin in the 60s and but for the European ban would have done the same in the 80s regardless of whether or not Heysel had of effected us.

Even if you take away that 80s arguement, we have still done it before ? and please don?t come out with "but it?s so much harder to mantain position?s nowadays"- Urm, hang on, in the 60s the Title went around like Toffee and with the exception of 1966 when we won the FA Cup, we finished in the top 6 every year and thus again you?re ridiculous statement is proven wrong.

Tony Marsh
11   Posted 24/03/2009 at 22:22:21

Report abuse

Makes me laugh this "we will qualify for Europe again". Let's face it, half the fucking league gets in these days. Down to 7th plus the good behaviour nonsense al qualify. Years ago it was the top 3 only...

FFS the Uefa Europa cup, whatever it's called, isn't really Europe is it? If it aint the CL it ain't worth Diddily Squat.

How far up the league would we be now if we had have had an extended Uefa Cup run this season. Just ask Villa how it effects you in the end with a small squad. I reckon we would be around mid-way.
Michael Kenrick
12   Posted 24/03/2009 at 21:55:41

Report abuse

Tony, I’d appreciate it if you would stop with this "negative website" jibe.

The site publishes news, which is what it is; good, bad, indifferent. The site publishes letters and articles from fans; positive, negative, indifferent ? that all depends on one’s viewpoint ? and everyone’s viewpoint (in case you hadn’t noticed) tends to be a bit different. We really don’t need these labels.

Steve Wolfe
13   Posted 24/03/2009 at 23:04:18

Report abuse

Ej Ruane ? for me the the most entertaining and nail on the head columinst that there is. You always make me laugh and agree at the same time.
Keep it up lad.
Kevin Mitchell
14   Posted 24/03/2009 at 23:51:19

Report abuse

Spot on EJ. Fantastic entertainment, never a dull moment.

What amuses me is the way some supporters defend the tactics which are so painful to watch. At times I think DM?s bases his tactics on Soccer am?s hit the crossbar far too much.

Ciarán MacGiolla Eoin
15   Posted 25/03/2009 at 11:12:30

Report abuse

Superb stuff Mr Ruane... How to be positive while at the same time being critical...

Your article has clearly got the Brady bunch scratching their collective heads.
Kevin Jones
16   Posted 25/03/2009 at 12:53:39

Report abuse

What the Fuck? As the Togmeister says "is it me?" What we could do is forget about shite like this and play to our strengths, be 6th in the league and about to embark on a day out at Wembley. Utter fucking drivel, EJ, or am missing something.

Just think if Spurs, Newcastle or City where in our position we?d all be saying "doing a great job there Harry, Joe or Sparky". 99% of all non-Blue fans I speak to think DM is doing a fantastic job at Everton. Yes, some of the football isn?t great but, we don?t have the players or the money to play like Brazil, so get off DM?s back. If you don?t like it don?t renew your season ticket. Or fluff your cushion up, whichever is appropriate.
Damian Wilde
17   Posted 25/03/2009 at 13:39:56

Report abuse

Kevin Gillen
18   Posted 25/03/2009 at 11:58:54

Report abuse

I don't know why so many people make a virtue out of pretty football. Sure, we all like to see it played on the ground and walked into the net or passed quickly and accurately. By and large from what I see we are one of the few clubs outside of the top four who try to play it on the ground.

Recently against Blackburn and Portsmouth I saw our opponents almost literally kick us off the pitch or stop us from passing and crossing. Kaboul should have been sent off in the first minute for a terrible tackle on Pienaar.

I am disappointed that we took nothing from the Portsmouth game but I think we simply ran out of leaders on the pitch. We would be near relegation material without Arteta and Cahill every week. Also for all the pretty football we play we score as many headed goals as any other team if not more. This should be lauded not criticized.

The other thing is that teams need to be flexible in their tactics. If you come up against a side with weak central defenders of course you are going to head it more.

My other point would be that you have to have some sense of perspective. We out-pass most of the teams below us and they try to stop us. As for the teams above us, they generally (though not always) out-pass us and we often do our best to stop them.

Occasionally, teams playing hoofball and battling for every inch of turf win games ? as Portsmouth did on Saturday. Well whoopee do. Keep behind the team, they are doing marvellously.

Dave Brent
19   Posted 25/03/2009 at 15:36:35

Report abuse

ha ha ha ha

See, i’m still laughing 24 hours later

ha ha

No really EJ, it’s too much - critical, topical, scientific AND rip-snortingly, riotously, side-splittingly hilarious.

ha ha ha ha ha

Heston’s Caff ha ha ha Moyes ha ha ha ha Food poisoning ha ha ha

ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrragh
EJ Ruane
20   Posted 25/03/2009 at 15:24:43

Report abuse


What some appear to hint at, is that we can only have success one way.

Or conversely, that somehow, good football will turn us into Boro.

Shoe menders!

If we can play REALLY good football against a load of shite like Stoke in the first half, surely it’s not unreasonable to ask why we would revert to the hoof (and consequently panic) in the second it??

By the way, Kevin Jones - I didn’t even mention the animal you refer to.

And I had NO idea they were even capable of speech let alone talking shite.

I thought they just swam about on their backs, breaking shells with stones on their stomachs.

They’ve got cute little faces but......Oh actually sorry Kevin - just realised, I’ve misread your post.

Feel SO stupid - apologies!

(although..maybe in the animal world they DO say otter drivel).
Ste Kenny
21   Posted 25/03/2009 at 16:43:56

Report abuse

Let's pretend....

Howard has the ball at his feet but has been told, "Do not kick it long whatever you do." Striker closes him down, scores and we're 1 down after 5 minutes. The players' heads go down and we lose to Wigan at home!!!

Once the players are on the pitch, they judge each situation as it occurs. If you honestly think we go out to play the long ball game, have a moan... but telling players what to do at specific points in the game other than set pieces will see us get twatted by no mark teams like Wigan.
Dave Brent
22   Posted 25/03/2009 at 16:56:51

Report abuse

ha ha ha ha ha ha

EJ you are a man who has learned the golden rule of comedy. The harder you try to be funny the funnier your jokes become to others. That. Is. A. Fact.

Otters! Brilliant. Complete and ’otter’ comedy EJ.

Keep it coming.

ha ha ha ha ha ha

Peter Howard
23   Posted 25/03/2009 at 17:27:06

Report abuse

He does Tarka lot of shite.
Kevin Jones
24   Posted 25/03/2009 at 17:41:52

Report abuse

Now EJ that is funny.
I can just see Bill Oddie on the banks of the Severn saying "Hi, Kate, I?ve just stepped in some Otter Drivel or, to give it its Latin Name, Rafious Talkious Shiteicus"
EJ Ruane
25   Posted 25/03/2009 at 17:50:03

Report abuse


Angry, angry ANGRY ant!

Ever wondered what happens when someone writes a really long, unfunny piece for Toffeeweb gets knocked back?

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the bile-filled, anonymous, ’David Brent’.

(what was it son, did they KB a 500 word piece entitled ’Kenwright is Magic’?)

Seriously ’David’, fill your boots lad - if you venting here saves stops another Hungerford, I’ve done my bit.
Cal Newcombe
26   Posted 25/03/2009 at 19:15:56

Report abuse

EJ Ruane ? stops what at Hungerford?
John Hoggarth
27   Posted 25/03/2009 at 21:32:45

Report abuse

Great posting EJ. What a pity we waste all that money on Moyesie?s wages when you are so gifted you could manage the Blues in your spare time. It's good we all have opinions, keeps the interest, but lets never forget we?ve got a manager who has dragged us on a shoestring from the Premiership basement to regular Euro contenders. Despite what Tony Marsh says "half the premiership" doesn?t achieve that regularly and I for one am glad of the progress we?ve made.
EJ Ruane
28   Posted 26/03/2009 at 10:24:23

Report abuse

John Hoggarth, you’re so wrapped up in telling us what a genius Moyes is, you don’t answer anything.

I asked - "If we can play REALLY good football against a load of shite like Stoke in the first half, surely it?s not unreasonable to ask why we would revert to the hoof (and consequently panic) in the second it??"

Are you saying this IS an unreasonable question?

I’m not anti-Moyes, in fact I genuinely have a lot of time for him. I’ve never here (or anywhere else) given him a huge slagging. but if I think he has fucked up or IS fucking up tactically, I’ll say so.

And Cal (’David’?) in a word - Google (the bleedin thing)
Michael Evans
29   Posted 26/03/2009 at 11:53:04

Report abuse

E J - although I am much more of a spectator of proceedings on TW than a contributor, If I may I will add my "two pennies worth" to this discussion. Some time around the end of 2008 I think I posted a piece concerning the fact that maybe those that post on this site should receive recognition for their particular type of contribution. I mentioned you in that because as well as being a very skilled writer you bring a particular brand of intelligent humour. Your brand of humour obviously doesn’t appeal to everyone. However, it often BRIGHTENS my day when I get my TW fix and for that I thank you.
Neil McKinney
30   Posted 26/03/2009 at 11:55:27

Report abuse

What the fuck is this post about? I?m totally lost now. Otters? Hungerford? Heston Blumenthal? Speak English EJ!

Dave Brent - ok mate, we get the sarcasm.

EJ - "If we can play REALLY good football against a load of shite like Stoke in the first half, surely it?s not unreasonable to ask why we would revert to the hoof (and consequently panic) in the second it??" - No it?s not, but you could also say we beat so and so, so why don?t we win every game. All you have to do is pass, pass, pass, shoot, score. It?s fucking easy. Tell you what we?ll give all the players ear-pieces and you can give them running instructions all game as they are clearly incapable of making their own decisions.

I too grow weary of poor displays and limited passing, but I do not feel that it warrants some of the reaction that has been on TW over the last few days, (No Michael I?m not having a go at TW), and I am still pleased when we take points and do well. I want silky football and wins, but if I can only have one of those then I know which one it will be, wins (and hopefully trophies).

These days there is so much riding on just staying in the premiership that the attitude has changed towards winning at all costs. There are very few teams outside the Big 4 that can claim to play good passing football most of the time, and most that have tried have ended up losing a lot of games that otherwise they may have got points from.

Let?s face it the football can be frustrating, but I don?t really know if you can call it tactics. Is Moyes really telling them to go out and hoof it up and down the pitch? I doubt it, but I do still feel Moyes can be naive when it comes to strategy and tactics. He seems to know one style very well, but struggles sometimes to change it up (appreciate current lack of options).

Suffice to say, football management is not as easy as some people seem to think.
Matthew Mackey
31   Posted 26/03/2009 at 14:24:15

Report abuse

EJ - I appreciate the attempt at humour. We all have an opinion and we all have a right to express that in whatever way we choose.

My only comment to those who are not happy with DM and his approach is this. Get real, get a grip and get off his back! What would you prefer.....the dark days of relegation dog fights, a crap youth policy and managers constantly going through the rotating doors? Or would you rather prefer, stability, a youth policy and academy which is the envy of most, a respectful position in the league and at least the sniff of European football, albeit Europa cup?

Whilst we continue to be skint then we have to make the best of what we?ve got, or would you prefer the Peter Risdale at Leeds Utd approach? (look how that ended) With David Moyes you ain?t gonna get better value for money pound for pound.

OK, some days it ain?t gonna be pretty and I agree totally with the comments about the Stoke, Blackburn and Newcastle games. They weren?t the best to watch, but at least we didn?t get beat and in this day and age, with a squad as small as ours and with so many injuries at this time in the season I think we?ve done pretty well.

It will get better, just be patient and stick together! Moyes is the best thing that happened to our club in the last decade but even saying that, there will always be the odd day or two when things don?t quite go to plan!
Michael Ryan
32   Posted 26/03/2009 at 15:13:16

Report abuse

EJ ? good lad!
Derek Thomas
33   Posted 27/03/2009 at 05:13:12

Report abuse

EJ, I would rather have your brand of whimsy, being of that persuasion myself, than Joe Jenning?s or Doddy?s, for want of a better word style.

You and Marshy, or so it seems to me, say the same thing but in different ways and as I am firmly in the camp of "it ain?t what you do, it?s the way that you do it," it sometimes brings results (ah, such words of wisdom from Funboy 3).

Some might say Why? ? well, don?t quote me on this, but 57pts is there or there abouts our average(-ish).

What say we go out and play the way we think it should be played and only win half the time? ? there's your 57pts. A couple of seasons ago, just how many points did we get when we finished 11th playing utter shite, or when we just missed out on a Uefa Cup place on the last day of the season?

Playing crap and winning (aka "It?s the result that matters") is only an excuse for really top teams on, at the most, 2 games a season.

We have on numerous occasions in the last 7 years played, shite and LOST.

Gentle reader, just how many times have you come out of the ground, home or away and said... "Well, that was worth the money."?

Football is a business... well, yes, of course it is, but don?t forget it is part of the ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS. Kenwright uber alles should not need telling this.

Anyway, to the end point: Here in the land of the long white cloud this is the last week of the pre-season. I am taking a combined team (first and reserves) of 3rd and 4th Division players to play a 2nd Division team in a friendly. I will try this ?first 5 mins? idea with a few provisos a la the keeper under pressure etc and see just what, if anything, happens...
Hugo Myatt
34   Posted 27/03/2009 at 19:41:24

Report abuse

That must be one of the strangest headlines to ever appear on Toffeeweb. I wondered what it suggested so had a look, and still it makes odd reading. I ’ve just had another perusal and have come to a unanimous decision that is nothing more than a lot of incoherent babble.
Jr Wilson
35   Posted 27/03/2009 at 20:25:00

Report abuse

Tony Williams, I think any team can be made to look good this season. I mean c'mon... the entire league season for practically every team has been utter shite. And believe me, the only reason we are where we are is because of how bad or worse other teams have been compared to us. It really has been one of those poor seasons, possibly the worst season of the Premier League so far.

So you cannot hope to quantify your statement of "we must be doing something right". The only way to Europe next season imo is guaranteed.. coz let's face it we have the points advantage, and we are just as shite as the chasing pack to a lesser extent

Derek Thomas
36   Posted 29/03/2009 at 06:38:35

Report abuse

Well, I tried it and we lost 4-2 but not due to the philosophy of playing joined-up footy. More due to the opposition not having read the script / article and having no idea as to how these things work in real life.

Some of our lads were playing the game at a 4th Division mental pace (and not all of them were from the 4th Division either) whereas, the 2nd Division lads were faster up top in the thinking dept... twice a square ball across the edge of the box and a low drilled shot into the corner, with the keeper helpless: HT 2-0.

The 2nd half, having received the rocket up the arse, we went a bit better and bossed it for the first 15. Only to have the stand-in 'keeper (full credit to him for filling in) come out a bit rashly and get chipped: 3-0 ? who would be a coach?? In all fairness, all game he didn?t have a lot to do except pick the ball out of the net, the Alamo it wasn?t.

We then got 2 back, but another rash charge out by the naive keeper, chipped again: 4-2.

So on count back in the bar later we settled on a Duckworth-Lewis type amended result of 2-2. It was really about match fitness or so I told the lads.

As Ken Buckley would say, that was the view from my seat.

Game one next week... onwards and upwards, we hope.
EJ Ruane
37   Posted 30/03/2009 at 10:02:31

Report abuse

’Hugo Myatt’, you say..

"I?ve just had another perusal and have come to a unanimous decision that is nothing more than a lot of incoherent babble"

Well THAT’S a convincing argument - one feller is unanimous!?

(how long did it take to count the votes? I demand a recount!)

According to Alanis Morissette’s interpretation of ’ironic’, that paragraph is ironic.

© ToffeeWeb

We use cookies to enhance your experience on ToffeeWeb and to enable certain features. By using the website you are consenting to our use of cookies in accordance with our cookie policy.