Well apart from the obvious (ie: carving 'Kenwright out!' and 'KEIOC!' all over the changies) I would have a word with Tim Howard. Nothing critical mind, just an instruction:
"Tim ? for the first five minutes of each half, you can't... you must NOT distribute the ball with your foot. You MUST roll or throw it out"
I would then grab Hibbo, Jags, Lescott and Baines and say "Back-four huddle guuuuyz! Ok [whispers] right, for the first five minutes, you can ONLY pass the ball to a player in your own half"
And what would this 'achieve'? Well, there's an odd thing about Everton (maybe with other sides as well but I only notice it with us). Whatever the 'pattern' of the first five minutes or so, that's it.
What I mean is that ? is ? IT!!
Blackburn away was a good example: as you watched the ball being hoofed and headed up in the air for the first 5 minutes, you kind of knew what the other 85 would be like. I never, not for one second thought, "after 15/20 mins we'll start to get the ball down and play".
The Stoke (H) game was really odd: 2nd minute (well... really early on), Tim rolls the ball to Baines and for the entire half we're knocking it about on the deck, working openings, we're confident and they look like... what they are.
Half-time, we're 2 up, it's a practice game ? piece of urine.
Second half, Tim bleedin' leathers the thing up the park first time he gets it and... well, two COMPLETELY different sides. One good to watch and effective, the other just... erm... fuckin'... um... 'Walterish'.
It's as if the first five minutes sets the pattern for each half and there's some unwritten code that says [Carlsberg ad voice] "Break ye not the pattern of the first 5 ? those who do will be called gay by the rest of the lads".
Maybe Moyes needs to develop one of those number codes Cus D'Amato had for Tyson: "Mike, mike: 7-7-9" ... That might seem OTT but maybe these lads NEED to be told... well... everything.
I know me screaming "Get it on the fuucking deck!!! [SFX: hoofing sound] Oh for fuck's sake...HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES EVERTON!!?" just doesn't work. And I'm the gaffer for fuc... oh no ? that was just pretend, wasn't it.
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1 Posted 24/03/2009 at 15:33:19
See that. I?m LOL?ing... ha ha ha
EJ ? Comedy genius.
2 Posted 24/03/2009 at 16:22:58
3 Posted 24/03/2009 at 16:40:49
4 Posted 24/03/2009 at 18:42:34
5 Posted 24/03/2009 at 19:12:23
6 Posted 24/03/2009 at 19:28:37
7 Posted 24/03/2009 at 19:34:30
8 Posted 24/03/2009 at 20:04:21
So ths "shower of shite" must be doing something right.
9 Posted 24/03/2009 at 21:03:30
If we were playing the Middlesborough way with entertaining passing with no end product and no goals for with the defence constantly under pressure cos they can't keep the ball the same people would be on here saying why can't we clear the ball upfield.
No other prem side could play so well with half the first team squad injured and at least 3 first choice players out.
Yes football is a simple game ? the team with the best quality players playing as a team usually wins.
Given our injuries and the start to the season, I?m delirious about where we are now but equally disappointed in some of Moyes selections and lack of substitutions recently but could I do a better job in terms of results ? hell no!!
10 Posted 24/03/2009 at 20:51:24
And please do not give me the "well they are fighting relegation so it?s going to be tough" ? Do you know why the are fighting relegation? Because they are shit!
Also to your point about Moyes being the 1st Everton manager to get us itno Europe 3rd years on the bounce ? Please do not give him wrongful credit. We got into Europe 5 years on the spin in the 60s and but for the European ban would have done the same in the 80s regardless of whether or not Heysel had of effected us.
Even if you take away that 80s arguement, we have still done it before ? and please don?t come out with "but it?s so much harder to mantain position?s nowadays"- Urm, hang on, in the 60s the Title went around like Toffee and with the exception of 1966 when we won the FA Cup, we finished in the top 6 every year and thus again you?re ridiculous statement is proven wrong.
11 Posted 24/03/2009 at 22:22:21
FFS the Uefa Europa cup, whatever it's called, isn't really Europe is it? If it aint the CL it ain't worth Diddily Squat.
How far up the league would we be now if we had have had an extended Uefa Cup run this season. Just ask Villa how it effects you in the end with a small squad. I reckon we would be around mid-way.
12 Posted 24/03/2009 at 21:55:41
The site publishes news, which is what it is; good, bad, indifferent. The site publishes letters and articles from fans; positive, negative, indifferent ? that all depends on one’s viewpoint ? and everyone’s viewpoint (in case you hadn’t noticed) tends to be a bit different. We really don’t need these labels.
13 Posted 24/03/2009 at 23:04:18
Keep it up lad.
14 Posted 24/03/2009 at 23:51:19
What amuses me is the way some supporters defend the tactics which are so painful to watch. At times I think DM?s bases his tactics on Soccer am?s hit the crossbar far too much.
15 Posted 25/03/2009 at 11:12:30
Your article has clearly got the Brady bunch scratching their collective heads.
16 Posted 25/03/2009 at 12:53:39
Just think if Spurs, Newcastle or City where in our position we?d all be saying "doing a great job there Harry, Joe or Sparky". 99% of all non-Blue fans I speak to think DM is doing a fantastic job at Everton. Yes, some of the football isn?t great but, we don?t have the players or the money to play like Brazil, so get off DM?s back. If you don?t like it don?t renew your season ticket. Or fluff your cushion up, whichever is appropriate.
17 Posted 25/03/2009 at 13:39:56
18 Posted 25/03/2009 at 11:58:54
Recently against Blackburn and Portsmouth I saw our opponents almost literally kick us off the pitch or stop us from passing and crossing. Kaboul should have been sent off in the first minute for a terrible tackle on Pienaar.
I am disappointed that we took nothing from the Portsmouth game but I think we simply ran out of leaders on the pitch. We would be near relegation material without Arteta and Cahill every week. Also for all the pretty football we play we score as many headed goals as any other team if not more. This should be lauded not criticized.
The other thing is that teams need to be flexible in their tactics. If you come up against a side with weak central defenders of course you are going to head it more.
My other point would be that you have to have some sense of perspective. We out-pass most of the teams below us and they try to stop us. As for the teams above us, they generally (though not always) out-pass us and we often do our best to stop them.
Occasionally, teams playing hoofball and battling for every inch of turf win games ? as Portsmouth did on Saturday. Well whoopee do. Keep behind the team, they are doing marvellously.
19 Posted 25/03/2009 at 15:36:35
See, i’m still laughing 24 hours later
No really EJ, it’s too much - critical, topical, scientific AND rip-snortingly, riotously, side-splittingly hilarious.
ha ha ha ha ha
Heston’s Caff ha ha ha Moyes ha ha ha ha Food poisoning ha ha ha
ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrragh
20 Posted 25/03/2009 at 15:24:43
What some appear to hint at, is that we can only have success one way.
Or conversely, that somehow, good football will turn us into Boro.
If we can play REALLY good football against a load of shite like Stoke in the first half, surely it’s not unreasonable to ask why we would revert to the hoof (and consequently panic) in the second half...is it??
By the way, Kevin Jones - I didn’t even mention the animal you refer to.
And I had NO idea they were even capable of speech let alone talking shite.
I thought they just swam about on their backs, breaking shells with stones on their stomachs.
They’ve got cute little faces but......Oh actually sorry Kevin - just realised, I’ve misread your post.
Feel SO stupid - apologies!
(although..maybe in the animal world they DO say otter drivel).
21 Posted 25/03/2009 at 16:43:56
Howard has the ball at his feet but has been told, "Do not kick it long whatever you do." Striker closes him down, scores and we're 1 down after 5 minutes. The players' heads go down and we lose to Wigan at home!!!
Once the players are on the pitch, they judge each situation as it occurs. If you honestly think we go out to play the long ball game, have a moan... but telling players what to do at specific points in the game other than set pieces will see us get twatted by no mark teams like Wigan.
22 Posted 25/03/2009 at 16:56:51
EJ you are a man who has learned the golden rule of comedy. The harder you try to be funny the funnier your jokes become to others. That. Is. A. Fact.
Otters! Brilliant. Complete and ’otter’ comedy EJ.
Keep it coming.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
23 Posted 25/03/2009 at 17:27:06
24 Posted 25/03/2009 at 17:41:52
I can just see Bill Oddie on the banks of the Severn saying "Hi, Kate, I?ve just stepped in some Otter Drivel or, to give it its Latin Name, Rafious Talkious Shiteicus"
25 Posted 25/03/2009 at 17:50:03
Angry, angry ANGRY ant!
Ever wondered what happens when someone writes a really long, unfunny piece for Toffeeweb and...it gets knocked back?
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the bile-filled, anonymous, ’David Brent’.
(what was it son, did they KB a 500 word piece entitled ’Kenwright is Magic’?)
Seriously ’David’, fill your boots lad - if you venting here saves stops another Hungerford, I’ve done my bit.
26 Posted 25/03/2009 at 19:15:56
27 Posted 25/03/2009 at 21:32:45
28 Posted 26/03/2009 at 10:24:23
I asked - "If we can play REALLY good football against a load of shite like Stoke in the first half, surely it?s not unreasonable to ask why we would revert to the hoof (and consequently panic) in the second half...is it??"
Are you saying this IS an unreasonable question?
I’m not anti-Moyes, in fact I genuinely have a lot of time for him. I’ve never here (or anywhere else) given him a huge slagging. but if I think he has fucked up or IS fucking up tactically, I’ll say so.
And Cal (’David’?) in a word - Google (the bleedin thing)
29 Posted 26/03/2009 at 11:53:04
30 Posted 26/03/2009 at 11:55:27
Dave Brent - ok mate, we get the sarcasm.
EJ - "If we can play REALLY good football against a load of shite like Stoke in the first half, surely it?s not unreasonable to ask why we would revert to the hoof (and consequently panic) in the second half...is it??" - No it?s not, but you could also say we beat so and so, so why don?t we win every game. All you have to do is pass, pass, pass, shoot, score. It?s fucking easy. Tell you what we?ll give all the players ear-pieces and you can give them running instructions all game as they are clearly incapable of making their own decisions.
I too grow weary of poor displays and limited passing, but I do not feel that it warrants some of the reaction that has been on TW over the last few days, (No Michael I?m not having a go at TW), and I am still pleased when we take points and do well. I want silky football and wins, but if I can only have one of those then I know which one it will be, wins (and hopefully trophies).
These days there is so much riding on just staying in the premiership that the attitude has changed towards winning at all costs. There are very few teams outside the Big 4 that can claim to play good passing football most of the time, and most that have tried have ended up losing a lot of games that otherwise they may have got points from.
Let?s face it the football can be frustrating, but I don?t really know if you can call it tactics. Is Moyes really telling them to go out and hoof it up and down the pitch? I doubt it, but I do still feel Moyes can be naive when it comes to strategy and tactics. He seems to know one style very well, but struggles sometimes to change it up (appreciate current lack of options).
Suffice to say, football management is not as easy as some people seem to think.
31 Posted 26/03/2009 at 14:24:15
My only comment to those who are not happy with DM and his approach is this. Get real, get a grip and get off his back! What would you prefer.....the dark days of relegation dog fights, a crap youth policy and managers constantly going through the rotating doors? Or would you rather prefer, stability, a youth policy and academy which is the envy of most, a respectful position in the league and at least the sniff of European football, albeit Europa cup?
Whilst we continue to be skint then we have to make the best of what we?ve got, or would you prefer the Peter Risdale at Leeds Utd approach? (look how that ended) With David Moyes you ain?t gonna get better value for money pound for pound.
OK, some days it ain?t gonna be pretty and I agree totally with the comments about the Stoke, Blackburn and Newcastle games. They weren?t the best to watch, but at least we didn?t get beat and in this day and age, with a squad as small as ours and with so many injuries at this time in the season I think we?ve done pretty well.
It will get better, just be patient and stick together! Moyes is the best thing that happened to our club in the last decade but even saying that, there will always be the odd day or two when things don?t quite go to plan!
32 Posted 26/03/2009 at 15:13:16
33 Posted 27/03/2009 at 05:13:12
You and Marshy, or so it seems to me, say the same thing but in different ways and as I am firmly in the camp of "it ain?t what you do, it?s the way that you do it," it sometimes brings results (ah, such words of wisdom from Funboy 3).
Some might say Why? ? well, don?t quote me on this, but 57pts is there or there abouts our average(-ish).
What say we go out and play the way we think it should be played and only win half the time? ? there's your 57pts. A couple of seasons ago, just how many points did we get when we finished 11th playing utter shite, or when we just missed out on a Uefa Cup place on the last day of the season?
Playing crap and winning (aka "It?s the result that matters") is only an excuse for really top teams on, at the most, 2 games a season.
We have on numerous occasions in the last 7 years played, shite and LOST.
Gentle reader, just how many times have you come out of the ground, home or away and said... "Well, that was worth the money."?
Football is a business... well, yes, of course it is, but don?t forget it is part of the ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS. Kenwright uber alles should not need telling this.
Anyway, to the end point: Here in the land of the long white cloud this is the last week of the pre-season. I am taking a combined team (first and reserves) of 3rd and 4th Division players to play a 2nd Division team in a friendly. I will try this ?first 5 mins? idea with a few provisos a la the keeper under pressure etc and see just what, if anything, happens...
34 Posted 27/03/2009 at 19:41:24
35 Posted 27/03/2009 at 20:25:00
So you cannot hope to quantify your statement of "we must be doing something right". The only way to Europe next season imo is guaranteed.. coz let's face it we have the points advantage, and we are just as shite as the chasing pack to a lesser extent
36 Posted 29/03/2009 at 06:38:35
Some of our lads were playing the game at a 4th Division mental pace (and not all of them were from the 4th Division either) whereas, the 2nd Division lads were faster up top in the thinking dept... twice a square ball across the edge of the box and a low drilled shot into the corner, with the keeper helpless: HT 2-0.
The 2nd half, having received the rocket up the arse, we went a bit better and bossed it for the first 15. Only to have the stand-in 'keeper (full credit to him for filling in) come out a bit rashly and get chipped: 3-0 ? who would be a coach?? In all fairness, all game he didn?t have a lot to do except pick the ball out of the net, the Alamo it wasn?t.
We then got 2 back, but another rash charge out by the naive keeper, chipped again: 4-2.
So on count back in the bar later we settled on a Duckworth-Lewis type amended result of 2-2. It was really about match fitness or so I told the lads.
As Ken Buckley would say, that was the view from my seat.
Game one next week... onwards and upwards, we hope.
37 Posted 30/03/2009 at 10:02:31
"I?ve just had another perusal and have come to a unanimous decision that is nothing more than a lot of incoherent babble"
Well THAT’S a convincing argument - one feller is unanimous!?
(how long did it take to count the votes? I demand a recount!)
According to Alanis Morissette’s interpretation of ’ironic’, that paragraph is ironic.