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Divine Intervention

By Cindy Cole :  13/08/2008 :  Comments (29) :
This closed season has been a veritable disaster to date. I?m quite sure that there?s no need for me to recount the seemingly endless list of woes to have dampened or destroyed the enthusiasm of so many Evertonians. Indeed, more fun might have been had at the Torture Museum in Amsterdam as an unwilling captive of Stevie G La. However, for me, aside from Moyes?s contractual impasse, by far the most distressing news to have emanated from our hallowed club is that we have yet to bring in any new signings. As the new season encroaches, the tension rises. As the tension rises, I feel as though I?m teetering on the brink of insanity.

There are those who claim to have not yet hit the panic button?although I can?t imagine how. Perhaps they?re inertial or amidst of a euphoric episode. Whatever their reasons, I for one am struggling to maintain my equanimity. Nevertheless, like many other supporters I am quietly hoping that Moyes has been busily hatching a master plan behind the scenes?that he is about to unleash something miraculous. Whilst I?m certainly not one who unerringly trusts in Moyes, and I most definitely do not deify him, I was in fact cogitating this idea when it suddenly dawned on me that Moyes may be about to shock us all with a shift towards divine intervention. My suspicions are borne out by our recent association with God-fearing players.

The elusive Joao Moutinho reportedly stated, in an attempt to appease disgruntled Sporting fans;

?Right now I am at Sporting and will continue to give everything for Sporting, but the future belongs to God, as I have said in all the years that I am here.?

Then, of course, Diego Milito, when queried over his future at Real Zaragoza in light of supposed interest from Everton, Spurs, and Newcastle is on record as saying;

?I have no problem in staying. Last year I had some important offers too. I am very grateful to this club and the fans who have given me a lot and if I have to remain here, no problem. God will decide the future.?

So, what to make of this dalliance with new-found faith? Could Moyes be onto something? Are we about to embrace the Omnipotent through His earthly disciples? I mean who wouldn?t turn the other way were the ?Hand of God? to intervene in the derby to secure victory for the Blues? Perhaps our match referees could be blinded by heavenly visions and so award us penalties for no reason, or disallow the opposition?s goals. If all misguided decisions went in our favour imagine how much better off we?d be.

Maybe at the end of next season we would have accrued an extra twenty plus points according to ?The Right Result?. How good would that be? With the pope taking care of PR our fan base would multiply overnight. It wouldn?t matter where we built our new stadium or how large the capacity because fans the world over would descend upon it and fill it for every home match. What an atmosphere, with God an honorary season-ticket holder and a plethora of angels overhead we?d be infallible.

Anyhow, back down on earth as someone devoid of any religious calling I found this theory somewhat bemusing, if totally absurd. If you are a devoutly religious type I mean you no offence. I?m merely trying to keep my head when all around me others are losing theirs, whilst simultaneously trying to make sense of our club?s lack of new faces. Oh! (And, of course, I still maintain that any new stadium should remain in the city). Sometimes, I find a sense of the ridiculous is just the tonic one needs to combat these dreary times.

As for our latest target Vagner Love, I really don?t know. Godspeed, my Love?

On a final note, if we were to recruit God, surely He would constitute a hundred new signings! Signings ad infinitum even? We wouldn?t need to buy anyone. Ah! You?ve cracked it this time Mr. Moyes, what a masterstroke! ... Oh dear, I fear I?m teetering again!

Well, roll on the signings. God-willing?of course!

Reader Comments

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Christine Foster
1   Posted 13/08/2008 at 13:12:34

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Cindy, I sometimes think God has a sense of humour and just to make his life a little more pleasing than watching half the world engaged in the odd war at any one time I have concluded he is indeed an Everton Supporter.

Either that or he lost EFC on a game of poker with the devil, and we were put into limbo with "Watch this space" as a means of torture.

Perhaps being an Everton supporter means we won’t have to suffer in hell as we have already served our time on Earth.

Or God forbid, lol.. God could be a Liverpool supporter, and at the moment he is just using us as light entertainment before the season starts.

Now, being a devout ish... Roman Catholic I have said more prayers than anyone I know hoping for salvation, perhaps a few more are needed.

Good post Cindy, made me smaile anyway.. something thats hard to do whilst you wait..
Santosh Benjamin
2   Posted 13/08/2008 at 13:24:54

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Nice article, Cindy... we need a miracle to get through this season.
adrian c
3   Posted 13/08/2008 at 15:00:12

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Does the pope want to buy Everton !!!!! We might even get KAKA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4   Posted 13/08/2008 at 15:14:18

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Well the team could always wear jesus boots!!
5   Posted 13/08/2008 at 15:15:34

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I’ve always thought God was a Liverpool supporter - just look at the "divine intervention" luck they get!!!
Chris Dawson
6   Posted 13/08/2008 at 15:33:23

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You may be onto something here.... didnt we have the holy trinity, thats got to count for something!!!
7   Posted 13/08/2008 at 16:08:29

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Patty, it is a well-known and scientific fact that Shankly made a deal with Satan.

European Cups in return for their black putrid souls.

For us it will be an eternity spent in paradise (apparently it’s a bit like Spain but without the Bravo channel scruff).

For the other shower, the pits of Hell (like being part of stag do in Blackpool.....that NEVER ends).
Peter Howard
8   Posted 13/08/2008 at 17:06:22

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Blackburn have installed a " prayer room " ( with prayer mats ) at Ewood . Maybe, Cindy, you’re not crackin’ up afrter all.
Jip Foster
9   Posted 13/08/2008 at 18:41:09

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Well we do have a church in our stadium!
Paul Walsh
10   Posted 14/08/2008 at 02:21:54

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There wouldn’t be much chance of the Pope forming an alliance with Kaka seeing that the mercurial Brazilian ’kicks with the other foot’ so to speak.
jerome feldman
11   Posted 14/08/2008 at 06:00:49

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Eh good article Cindy but i don’t think god has supported us since the early 90’s an the wonderful signing of brett angel haha come on you blues!
Cindy Cole
12   Posted 14/08/2008 at 06:52:11

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Well it’s good to see that many of you have retained a sense of humour in light of all the club’s problems we have had to endure. It will doubtless come in handy in the weeks and months ahead.

Now, I wonder if I could turn this water into transfers!
Derek Thomas
13   Posted 14/08/2008 at 06:57:18

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How many signings can dance on the head of a pin, at the moment the pin head, literal (BK ) and the pin head virtual are very lonely places.

The answer of course, as any Christian Brother educated supporter ( Mr Leahy ) can tell you, is as many as wants to.
Derek Thomas
14   Posted 14/08/2008 at 07:04:16

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Lord who made the lion and the lamb, would it spoil some vast eternal plan, if Bill were a wealthy man???

Diddle ide de de diddle e de de etc etc
Ciaran Duff
15   Posted 14/08/2008 at 07:28:10

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"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Looks like being an Everton supporter is one of the paths to heaven! Unfortunately our rewards may not be in this life!
Alan Rycroft
16   Posted 14/08/2008 at 08:15:10

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Enjoyed the article Cindy,
But it’s not cool really to mock folk who have a faith though it’s fashionable to do so in our materialistic age. I think you’ve been reading too much Richard Dawkins ’God Delusion’ kind of wallops. Anyhow have a slight heart for footballers who like all us mortals have their anxieities and insecurities, brutally short killingly compettive career, loads of uncertainty, and the sword of Damcles of injury etc. constantly hanging over one’s head. I am reminded of my childhood hero Alan Ball and his tragicaly early death, God rest his soul. Strange as it may seem many folk still believe there is a higher force on which our very lives depend and that we didn’t create ourselves or are merely made up of molecular slime (unless of course one is Liverpool supporter!). Not sure how much freewill/ divine intervention there may be in this universe but I have a terrible feeling Everton are going to need spades of the latter this coming season!
17   Posted 14/08/2008 at 11:11:31

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SFX: Organ music.

"And now can we all turn to page 1 of our hymn books - ’Grandeth and aged is our team’
Trevor Lynes
18   Posted 14/08/2008 at 11:34:17

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On heavenly issues, I well remember Ian St John playing his debut match for Liverpool in the Liverpool senior cup against us...he got a hat trick but we won 4:3...The church near Stanley Park had a message outside which read What would you do if God came to earth...Some wag had written "put St John on the wing and play him centre forward"...a bit of light hearted stuff is definitely needed in these parlous seems we have been badly smitten of late and DM needs to get his prayer book out (or BK get his cheque book out )
Dave Atkinson
19   Posted 14/08/2008 at 12:05:27

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Cindy, you may well be on to something here. As far as I am aware both Tim Howard and Steven Pienaar are Christians. Also, I have been informed that Mr. Moyes and his family attend a Baptist Church in Preston.
So maybe he is waiting for the ’right’ players to be available.......even Kaka?!!!
tommy gibbons
20   Posted 14/08/2008 at 12:48:35

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Jesus Christ is an Evertonian..
for he was put on this earth to suffer..

But currently, we’re only having a few blips.. after all the whinging, hand wringing etc has been done..
We’re still at Goodison Park, we’ve still got a great team, a great a manager and great support, especially if the vocal minority whingers can now give it a rest and do what we’re supposed to do..
Support the team...
ed fitzgerald
21   Posted 14/08/2008 at 13:25:13

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It entirely ok for Cindy to indulge in some very gentle satire of peoples religious beliefs, for that is all they are beliefs. There are many people who don?t believe in some form of omnipotent force in the Universe. FFS this is a web site about Everton don?t take umbrage about something which is humorous and playful in tone.
Kevin Gillen
22   Posted 14/08/2008 at 13:29:02

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Sorry Tommy the whingers as you call them are right. We only have eight fit senior outfield players for Saturday. The minimum price adult ticket is £30. You can see eleven promising juniors play in the park for nowt in the middle of the credit crunch and see just as much honest endeavour. I cannot believe we will be able to sign the eight senior professionals we will need in the next two weeks to bable to realistically compete in the premiership and Eufa cup this year can you? The worst days of agent Johnson were better than this. It is criminal. I’ve given up waiting for good news on the transfer front. If it continues as it is at the moment we will also lose all our best senior players to other clubs. Also if I was a Blackburn player I would be thinking one well placed kick on Mikel Arteta and it’s game over. Then you’ll have Pip in the creative midfield role. Roll on Saturday - being Evertonians we’ll still sell out.
Alan Rycroft
23   Posted 14/08/2008 at 14:58:02

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Dear Ed,
I take no umbrage just pointing out something in the tone of the article that’s all, - a kind of unholier than thou attitude - I did say I enjoyed the article and the humour! But people generally take their beliefs seriously and fotballers are human beings who are entitled to their beliefswithout being lampooned and that’s all I was saying.
Ed Fitzgerald
24   Posted 14/08/2008 at 15:46:01

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My point is they are just beliefs and as such are open to scrutiny and a bit of satire!! It's when beliefs cannot be challenged or made fun of that we are in trouble. Should I respect everyones beliefs regardless of how barmy they sound? (Like Wyness?s belief that Kirkby was good for the long term future of the club?)

What's the difference between people who believe in alien abduction, Islam or Christianity? IMHO there is actual little difference as there is no hard evidence for any of them. In fact the people who subscribe to the little green men theory have probably done the least harm!

I also don't believe players who kiss the badge or chairman who claim they are just a fan either.

Peter Howard
25   Posted 14/08/2008 at 17:05:26

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I believe this thread has lost its way
David Banner
26   Posted 14/08/2008 at 17:55:49

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Could the real fans please stand up...Im home and away blue for 30+ years and wonder why the threads on here lose their way ????? Let focus on Saturday and team , like myself one of the real fans and not talking silly about nothing.....I’ll be their saturday singing and getting behind the follow me....
Cindy Cole
27   Posted 15/08/2008 at 08:05:57

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Alan, I apologise. In no way did I intend to undermine your beliefs or those of religious footballers. As Ed suggests, it was just satirical bunkum - a means of cambatting the the despair I feel over the club’s transfer stalemate. Onwards and forwards...
Tom Hughes
28   Posted 15/08/2008 at 12:21:12

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That’s it sorted then.
Prematch mass for me in the morning. Light a few candles and some spiritual clensing before battle, a time-honoured tradition!
Jay Harris
29   Posted 15/08/2008 at 14:07:05

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there must be some connection because trying to get through to the ticket office is like trying to get through to the Vatican.

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