The Moyestrap

By Michael Coffey :: 01/05/2012

29 Comments (�Last) The scene: a remote, neglected Gothic pile, Goodison Towers, whose impressive, crumbling battlements hark back to a bygone age of splendour and glory.

Chief Inspector Kenrick and Constable Lloyd are summoned to investigate the mysterious death of ?The Old Lady?. On arrival they come across a bizarre collection of suspicious individuals, each of whom has an axe to grind and a past to hide...

?Young Bill? ? a rogue if ever there was one, heir to the Goodison fortune, prodigal son returned after running away to London years ago. Talks incessantly about his childhood in the nursery.

The Reverend Green ? believed to have lent Young Bill a significant sum of money. Rarely seen, but visits occasionally to give his blessing to Young Bill?s madcap financial schemes for the property and staff.

Lord Grantchester ? Local nobility, rumoured to disapprove of Young Bill?s antics, and to have harboured an unrequited love for the deceased. Could this romantic attachment be leading him to force Young Bill out?

Old Moyes ? dour Scots butler, outwardly loyal to Young Bill, but circumspect in his praise, and Calvinist disapproval of antics at Goodison silenced by a handsome salary. Keeps tight rein on household expenses, mainly by ensuring that little more than cold cuts and thin gruel are served at the Goodison table.

Cap?n Pip ? aged retainer, kept on the staff at Old Moyesie?s insistence. Shouts. Points. Claps hands. Offers no other obvious service to the running of the estate.

Mad Doddy ? village idiot. Keeps telling anyone who will listen that the Old Lady isn?t dead at all.

Events take a turn for the dramatic when a local peasant, Tony of the Marsh, bursts into the house to accuse everyone of the murder. This revelation is weakened when he goes on to incriminate most of the audience.

Who Dunnit? All will be revealed when you go and see the West End smash hit ?The Moyestrap? ? already with a ten-year unbroken run on the stage, and no sign that the curtain will come down anytime soon!

Tickets available at the box office now. If you can get through......

Reader Comments (29)

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Kris Boner
1 Posted 01/05/2012 at 14:44:43

And here I was thinking that Doddy has been rather insightful in the last few weeks. A massive turn around for what he was known for, but still a very strong voice on the betrayal of Wembley.

Rest is good though.

Stephen Kenny
2 Posted 01/05/2012 at 14:46:53

Have you been watching Scooby Doo Michael?

Paul Joy
3 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:00:48

Michael you need to get out more mate

Chris Matheson
4 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:05:40

I am really not sure what to make of this, so off the wall it is. But it made me laugh!

PS It was Young Bill wot killed her!

Ben Howard
5 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:05:18

Is nobody going to congratulate Michael on a good bit of writing? I liked it anyway mate...

But I think I'll wait for the film

Ian Glassey
6 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:07:38

Michael,

Just loved it mate, could the lord
force young Bill out .
Watch this space..

Shane Corcoran
7 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:17:19

Excellent Michael. I especially liked Mad Doddy although I reiterate that I reckon he's a wind up merchant, or mad, as you suggest.

Tommy Gourlay
8 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:11:21

Superb Michael, well done.

This is the one occasion we definitely know, that the butler didn't do it....

Kevin Jones
9 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:20:57

You forgot about the subplot Michael as below.

And the dour old Butler Moyes, has his wicked way with the new young chamber maid, a dark skinned beauty who's just arrived in the country from the Colonies. The young girl becomes pregnant to Moyes, and has shame thrust upon her, as she is with child outside wedlock, which is three miles North of Matlock.

Moyes tells her to take hot baths and drink plenty of gin. But she vows to keep her child and goes into hiding, bringing him up to be big and strong and lie on the grass banging his fist.

Then, twenty years later, she comes back on the scene, and blackmails Moyes into giving him a job on 30,000 gold piece's a week. Moyes agrees and is forced to let the boy play with the better players. And this boy's name Is Victor Anichebe, which in his native African tongue mean's "Man Who Falls Over A Lot"

Well, why else would he play him?

Kevin Sparke
10 Posted 01/05/2012 at 15:52:36

It was the French centre half, with the weak back pass, in front of the Uruguayan forward... who dunnit

Shane Corcoran
11 Posted 01/05/2012 at 16:02:40

Careful Kevin or you might be censored for referring to him as "French".

Shaun Brennan
12 Posted 01/05/2012 at 16:05:22

Well done, very imaginative...

Barry Rathbone
13 Posted 01/05/2012 at 16:08:39

Michael are you or possibly your dad "Micky Coffee" cracking player in the mid seventies at schoolboy level and I think on Evertons books.

Possibly Del la Salle or SFX school vintage?

Entertaining stuff BTW.

Dean Adams
14 Posted 01/05/2012 at 16:13:58

Does the one who falls over have a half brother called Tony, who falls over when he reaches the box?

Barry Rathbone
15 Posted 01/05/2012 at 16:14:44

"COFFEY"

Bob Willis
16 Posted 01/05/2012 at 16:32:16

MC - Good post - better than most of the crap on here these days.
It makes you laugh - others just make you weep!

Tony McNulty
17 Posted 01/05/2012 at 17:15:23

How many read this because of the "strap" in the title? Is Toffeeweb now seeking to appeal to a more "adult" audience ("Old Lady" etc.)?

Richard Dodd
18 Posted 01/05/2012 at 18:02:16

I have this evening sent a request to that well known jobbing actor, Gordon Clegg, for him to play the coveted role of Mad Doddy. That way, he might get to know what it`s really like to be an Evertonian!

Brian Denton
19 Posted 01/05/2012 at 19:32:57

Mike Coffey, stalwart of the Oxford University Everton Supporters Club?

Michael Mulholland
20 Posted 01/05/2012 at 22:06:11

A sprinkle of magic... Well wrote sir

Paul Wharton
21 Posted 01/05/2012 at 23:28:57

Mr Coffey
Loved the script, nice one.

Dick Fearon
22 Posted 01/05/2012 at 23:34:44

There is a story in there somewhere.

Peter Stone
23 Posted 02/05/2012 at 01:47:58

Brilliant! Oh, and well done Doddy for taking it in such good spirit!

Roman Sidey
24 Posted 02/05/2012 at 04:41:24

Pissed myself, Michael. Bit let down that Tony was the only one of the MOB that got a look in. As the MOB truly is a mob, a few of us could probably have at least walk on roles.

Could see a plot twist in which the strong Atticus-like serf Wilson, after the worst of betrayals from Old Moyes, joins the masses, squashes the Village Idiot Doddy (no offense Doddy), and helps the townspeople get rid of the infectious butler.

Tom Harries
25 Posted 02/05/2012 at 12:27:48

Very funny. Certainly not what I was expecting.

I can just see Moyes as Corporal Fraser from Dad's Army, with the mad, staring eyes and the 'We're all DOOMED!' catchphrase.

Anto Byrne
26 Posted 02/05/2012 at 12:39:49

Cant wait for it to follow in the Downton Abbey timeslot. Maybe they will make it into a musical, take it to the West End and on to Broadway. So who plays the lead? None other than the man himself: Sly Stallone.

Joe Bibb
27 Posted 04/05/2012 at 09:16:45

If the Old Lady was killed by a shot, Tony Hibbert didn't do it.

George Brooks
28 Posted 04/05/2012 at 16:59:04

Brilliant, Michael, I loved it, a great synopsis.

And as for Kevin Jones (917), funny as fuck. Which in his native African tongue means fall over a lot.

Pissed myself, coz I agree, why does he insist on playing him, does he see something we don't????

Colin Grierson
29 Posted 04/05/2012 at 22:40:08

Succinctly genius.

De La Salle vintage or not.

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