Everton players having psychological therapy to end 'fear' behind away record

Wait a minute, is this Allardyce chap the same one who manages Everton?

I think I need another tablet, nurse.... nurse!

Lobotomize Sam.

Ashley squirms in his seat as he examines the first. "Oh, god... It's Salah. He's running at me doing stepover after stepover. I can't stop him. It's awful".

"I zee. And zis one here?"

Williams winces. "Oh no.. Rondon is towering above me goalside about to head the ball in the net. Please, I can't take much more of this..."

"It's okay Ashley, just a few more and zen we vill stop. Vat about zis one?"

Ash sobs. "It's me. I've got me shirt up over me nose after conceding yet another goal. The horror... can you help me doc?"

(The doctor whispers to a hulking attendant who enters the room with a wheelchair: Williams can't hear what he's saying but is pretty sure he hears "Electroshock" and "high setting." The shadowy face of Farhad Moshiri contorts into a sinister, crooked smile behind the one-way mirror.)

We have won just 5 away games in 42, stretching back to March 2016.

We are on the worst away run I can remember since I started watching us.

If our in-house psychologist has been here for some time why the fook has he not been used before, and further to this why is he slowly integrating himself into a group that have been shit HOME and AWAY for some time?

Really!!!!!!

Imagine the atmosphere against the RS and the impact on the players if he was paid off now and a new man was in place. I believe in psychology as a part of an overarching framework of support that promotes positive thinking and a "can do" attitude, a significant micro-advantage not to dismissed. I am also a realist and feel the intense negativity and absence of managerial quality has a greater role.

So well done, Sam, and well done to the sports psychologist who was already at the club for beginning to integrate with the players: congrats all round!

If a patient turned up at an A&E with an arm hanging off, I would like to think he would be offered more than a plaster and a bit of snake oil. Major surgery is required, Dr Moshiri.

Moshiri has learned what he's learned about the Premier League whilst being the mere bag-carrier of a far wealthier bloke who's still trying to impose himself as the sole owner of Arsenal. That's the Arsenal where there's never been a DoF figure in living memory whilst they coincidentally qualified for the Champions League every year for the best part of two decades until under investment in the squad took a grip since a brand new massive ground was opened to huge "state-of-the-art" fanfare, its sole purpose allegedly having been to provide the funds to consistently catapult them to to the European pinnacle.

Am I the only one to wonder just what Moshiri now understands as the best way forward after parting with something like a quarter of his wealth to achieve no improvement whatsoever with us?

That's it then, I do take Visa and Debit. For more help ring my helpline 0800 Get a Fucking Grip. Calls are £20 per minute, and need a minimum of 10 mins to be beneficial.

Thank you.