ToffeeWeb - Season 2007-08

Michael Kenrick

Are you sure that's not meant to be an entry in the limerick thread?

Shaun Brennan
1 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:17:49

Be a bit diffucult that.

how about

welove you yakubu,
we do

ohh yakubu we love poo

Ron Martin
2 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:19:30

awful

Andy McKenzie
3 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:21:06

hows about to the tune of "hit the road jack"

score a goal yak
put it in the net once more, once more, once more, once more
score a goal yak put it in the net once mooooooore.

Nick Harrison
4 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:27:38

I like Andy’s the best.

I didn’t quite get the rhythm of Ian’s.

Dutch Schaffaer
5 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:30:39

Considering he hasn’t scored a goal in 6 months lets just forget the chants for now.

To be honest I just want Yakubu or Johnson to remember how to score goals, I don’t care about chants.

Steve Linden
6 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:30:42

How about to the tune of the lone ranger :
Yakity Yakity Yakity Yak Yakubu
Yakity Yakity Yak Yaaaakkkkuuubu

Not sure if I have enough Yakitys in there but you get the idea.

The Lyrical Master
7 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:29:45

To the tune of ’Yakety Yak Don’t Talk Back’

Andy Johnson is quite small.
But Yakubu he is quite tall.
And if you give either one the ball.
They’re going to shoot and score a goal.

Yakety Yak! Gerrard’s cack!

Zac Stephenson
8 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:41:31

How about (to the tune of "She Loves You" by The Beatles):

Yakubu, yeah yeah yeah!

Yakubu, yeah yeah yeah!

With a Yak like that

You know we should be glad

Ben Jones
9 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:43:46

they’re all really bad! Just wait until he scores a few for us first! The last one was pretty decent though

Dave Lynch
10 Posted 31/08/2007 at 14:49:28

I prefer.
Get a move on you lazy bastard!
11 and a 1/2 million for that load of shite!
Waste of fukin moey you are.

Danny Mullally
11 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:11:05

I prefer:
Davey Lynch, Davey Lynch,
What a fucking grynch,
to have a crack,
at our boy Yak,
he hasn’t got a clue.

The Keith
12 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:15:44

Dave,
You’re just pissed ’cos Allans Nan stood you up for me.

Paul
13 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:15:01

Check out AJ, Cars and Gravesen on you tube....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM-mfEMssy8

Dean Paton
14 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:19:14

He’s Big
He’s Black
He’s hung like a Yak...
Yakubuuuuu.....Yakubuuuuu!!!!

Dean Paton
15 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:20:48

He’s quick
He’s Great
He’s Joey Yobo’s mate.....Yakubu.....Yakubuu!

Dave Lynch
16 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:18:07

The Kieth.
Have just got paid and the contract is out on your life.
I had to drink the rest of me Old Spice to numb the pain.
Be afraid veeeeeeery afraid.

Still reckon my chant is yhe best you miserable sods !

Dean Paton
17 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:22:17

He’s quick He’s great We’ve bought him on the slate....Yakubu...Yakubu!!!

Steve L
18 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:22:18

Just thought of another. It’s just as bad - to agadoo

Yakabu boo boo
There’s the net
Now score a goal
Yakabu boo boo
That’s your first
Now twenty-one more

I’m sure I can come up with some worse ones soon..........

The Keith
19 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:23:30

Foolish mortal.

Do you not know that us Gods are eternal.

Besides, I have enough trouble with our gormless Contracts dept at work without you increasing the problem.

By the way, the original Old Spice was quite a handy 28% proof, but it is brewed in Romania now, and its a paltry 13% now, do don’t rely on that to give you Schaeffer courage (Dutch)pal.

Andy’s lyrics are declared the winner, but Dave’s might rise to the top if the Yak turns out to be a Duck egg.

Dave Lynch
20 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:35:47

Gives you terrible heartburn though.

Steve Claringbold
21 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:36:24

Yakubu is a big lad
He’s not so meek and mild
When they asked him who’s your dad
He replied I’m Amokachi’s lovechild.

Paul Cook
22 Posted 31/08/2007 at 15:57:20

Jesus Christ lads! Some awful songs there! Keep it up.
By the way, what is this The Keith shit?

Steve Claringbold
23 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:08:57

In a post earlier on in the week, a certain Mr Keith Harrison was referred to as a deity of some sort by a few posters. Since then he now refers to himself as The Keith.

He is unofficially the God of Toffeeweb.

Steve Claringbold
24 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:10:29

Yakubu is a striker
They said he’d score a few
The club tried to give him the number 9 shirt
But instead he chose 22.

Danny Bostock
25 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:22:24

He’s Big!
He’s Blue!
He’s number 22!
YAKUBU YAKUBU!

Steve Claringbold
26 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:25:11

Danny, that’s a good one, like that. Simple.

One question though:

He’s Blue - Is he choking?

Rodger Armstrong
27 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:33:23

To the tune of "Volare"
Yakubu, oh, oh!
Yakubu, oh, oh, oh, oh!
He gets a sight of goal
And we all know he’ll score!
Yakubu, oh, oh!
Yakubu, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Tried and tested, nice and simple, bound to catch on.

Steve Claringbold
28 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:38:59

I’d love to have seen what fans would have done with my surname if I ever became a footballer.

The Keith
29 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:48:31

Paul Cook,
How dare you call me a shit. Unless you wear shirts with tomato stains on and paw prints on your pants, you will be struck dead within the hour. Those who know need no explanation. Those who don’t are passing visitors to this site, and don’t matter.

Steve, didn’t a re-incarnation of you play for Leicester and 800 other teams with socks rolled down, or was that Claridge simply an imposter.

Andy
30 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:51:42

he’s shit he’s old
id rather watch mould
clarinbold
clarinbold

Steve Claringbold
31 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:53:21

Claridge - Claringbold close but no cigar.

Incidentally, ever since I seen Claridge play, I’ve played with my socks rolled down and no shinpads, there’s something manly about it.

Andy
32 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:55:38

sorry steve i missed the g out of your name, still it would be funny to hear that song at any game

The Keith
33 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:56:57

I did that too mate -but only at water polo/volleyball on holiday.

Steve Claringbold
34 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:57:26

Aah I can only dream that one day my name would be ringing around Goodison.

I wouldn’t even care if it was a chant saying I was crap, I am better than AVDM though. At least I can stand upright for 90 minutes.

Mrs Claringbold
35 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:53:50

Stevie, Stevie Claringbold
He’s too slow and he’s too old
Get him off for fucks sake Moyes
Send him home to play with his toys

The Keith
36 Posted 31/08/2007 at 16:59:14

Actually Mold are a good team Andy, they are in 14th place in the sheepdippers and molesters league, Brecon Beacons eastern 5th division, and if Steve played for them, he would have really hit the big time.

Andy
37 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:05:20

actually the keith i was on about the fungus ’mould, ie mouldy cheese.

Paul Cook
38 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:03:49

Sorry Keith! I just think all religion is a mental illness. Bit like supporting Everton I guess. Perhaps you could become a Saint! If a corrupt old bag like Mother Theresa can then you can too! Maybe even Claus Thomsen can

Paul Cook
39 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:10:42

Please don’t strike me down or I’ll get Richard Dawkins on your case.
Does anyone else think the Yak will be a typical Everton striker of the last 20 years ie. not score over 15 goals this season?

Brian Wolf
40 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:16:49

He’s big
He’s strong
He wears his missus thong
Claringbold, Claringbold

Brian Wolf
41 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:17:26

He’s small
He’s nippy
He wears his missus lippy
Claringbold, Claringbold

Baalzebub
42 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:13:31

The Keith has revealed his falsehood. He is not a true God! Any true Deity would know the difference between mouldy cheese and welsh football.

Wouldn’t He?

Pay no more attention to his prophesies, worship me instead. I KNOW Riquelme and Appiah are tucked up safely in bed at home. Only Simon Davies awaits the call. Have faith in me!

Saint The Keith
43 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:19:24

i don’t mind this small demotion if it keeps us all sane.

How about:

Who put the ball in the Red Shite Bag
Stevie,
Stevie,
Who put the ball in the Red Shite Bag
Claringbold wearing his missus’ Rag

The Venrerable Saint The Keith
44 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:23:48

’Kin marvellous.

I voluntarily demote myself and some youg usurper tries to fill the enormous void I left behind.

Only an imposter would call themselves a God - I was voted in by my miriad of followers on here, Steve, Allan, Brian and two other disciples whose names must not be mentioned because I forgot them.

To come out with the same prophesies I gave yesterday is also taking the piss, so begone you foul dwimmerlak, back to Mordor Anfield with all the other Red demons.

The Venerable Saint The Keith
45 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:28:42

By the way, the Mold thing was a play on words, but I can assure you there is no f***g difference between Welsh football and Mouldy Cheese.

a Welsh football ref - Andy Richards (an RS) who used to work with me rang me in May and asked if I watched him reffing a L.O.W. div 2 match on S4C on Sky. I told him I didn’t because it is always Welsh speaking, and the camera lens was covered in gob. He laughed and told me 27 people were at the match, including the linesmen.

Ray
46 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:30:15

Hes fat
He’s round
His arse drags on the ground
Claringbold, Claringbold

Baalzebub
47 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:29:14

Now that the false God has left the building I will reveal myself to you all very shortly.

(When I say reveal myself very SHORTLY I don’t mean that what I reveal will be very SHORT, actually I can promise you all a big Gee-Whizz on that score (after all I am GOD!!)...but I digress...)

My first prophecy is:-

There will be no signings tonight.

If I am wrong I will hand the universe back to The Keith.

The Venerable Saint The Keith
48 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:37:16

Ray,

You’re wrong there mate. Steve would be perfectly round if he was 3 inches taller.

Steve Claringbold
49 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:39:45

Some of these are funny, but just to clear up.

I’m 27 - so I’m not that old.
I’m 5 foot 8 so I’m neither big nor small
I’m 10 and 1/2 stone so I’d hardly call myself a chunker.

Plus I bike everyday so my ass is cracking, even if I do say so myself.

Ray
50 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:43:20

He’s thin
Drinks beer
His bikes stuck up his rear
Claringbold, Claringbold

er...sorry Steve

Steve Claringbold
51 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:46:51

That’s better Ray, but again I must clear up: I’m a non-alcoholic.
In fact I’m the exact opposite of AVDM.

Brian Wolf
52 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:48:04

He’s thin
Drinks Beer
Dresses up in Kinky gear
Claringbold, Claringbold.

chis keightley
53 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:40:10

to the tune of okey dokey
o yakey yakey o yakey yakey o yakey yakey foot bent head arched ra ra ra shit i know but using up a few mins at the end of the day sees you all tomorow.

The Keith
54 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:40:45

Thank you for abdicating peacefully midget-dick.

i am one of those pedantic bastard non-forgiving Gods, and as there will definitely be signings tonight, you must pisseth off. You didn’t mention Everton - you just stated , and I quote "There will be no signings tonight".

If therefore any person signs for any club, your prophesy will be shown for the falsehood it is, and the true God (i.e. me, - as declared by you) will issue forth with reign of fire and burn all you unbelievers in eternity.

That is, unless you work for a travel agents, and can get me and the missus a good deal to Marmaris flying 13th to 15th September from any Northern or Glasgow airport.

I could, of course, fly myself, but it ruins the wife’s hair.

The Keith Resurrected
55 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:50:48

By the way, 3* plus or better, self Catering or B&B, 14 nights.

Ray
56 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:53:09

Ok
Let’s see...
"He likes a cup of tea"
Claringbold, Claringbold.

Steve Claringbold
57 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:52:56

You should get your own airline Keith.

Ryan has his own airline (Ryan-air)
and my ex-girlfriend has her own airline as well (Easyjet).

KeithAir would be a good addition to the thousands of low cost airlines on the market these days.

The Resurrected Keith
58 Posted 31/08/2007 at 17:56:48

Might be something in that mate - I’ll make enquiries with Gabriel, Aphreal and the boys.

Need my own hair first though. Going through that ’rampant alopecia’ stage with very wide parting. Doctor expects it to grow back any minute, but there is plenty on my back, and none on my head. Except for a Shirly Temple type cut with long flowing white beard when I’m in deity mode.

Do you ever go to the Carlisle matches Steve???? might be there tomorrow.

Or are you one of Hickeys mob that travel down to Goodison etc.????

Steve Claringbold
59 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:02:31

I go down to Goodison as much as I can with the Cumbria Supporters bus.

I go to probably one Carlisle match a year with my In-Law. Believe me, one match a year is enough.

The resurrected Keith
60 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:04:59

The Cumberland bus with Graham, Mally, Glynn etc????

I started that club with Glynn about 10 or more years ago. haven’t been with them last year - go mostly in the car now.

Steve Claringbold
61 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:12:47

That’s the one.

Cheers for starting it up then Keith. It makes my life a Hell of a lot easier.

The resurrected Keith
62 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:13:46

No problem mate. I don’t use it now ’cos I can get home by 7.30 going in the car, so Sat night’s not effed up (unless we lose). you must get home late.

Sky Sports say big rumours on Riquelme and Appiah which have not been denied by Bully.

Riq on loan and Appy signed would be wonderful.

Steve Claringbold
63 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:20:12

Appiah’s still in fenerbache and by all accounts Riquelme is on Merseyside but Sky Sports have since retracted that statement.

Wyness did say that he would expect at least one more though before the window is shut.

Watch this space. (Well not this space exactly but another space that knows who the new signing is going to be)

The Resurrected Keith
64 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:27:14

Appiah is injured - so we must sign him.

I think we missed a trick with Glen Johnson - he would have really strengthened our team, not just because it would mean Hibbo was out.

Any plans for the weekend mate??

Steve Claringbold
65 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:30:09

I’m footballing in the morning and then no doubt my missus will want to go shopping.

But the rest of the afternoon will be spent watching Sky Sports for latest goal updates.

Sunday I’ll probably just watch whatever matches are on TV.

You off to the Bolton game?

The Resurrected Keith
66 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:35:17

No, the wife’s not working this weekend, and it’s her last spare before our holiday, so I can see me traipsing round Carlisle as well (again) for a strictly neutral bikini.

I actually wanted to go and see The Jam at Whitehaven tonight, or UFO at Sheffield. UFO at ’Stormin The Castle’ bikers do tomorrow, and fishing at Dumfries all day Sunday.

Can you believe she thinks I’m being unreasonable ?????

I’m supposed to be Omnipresent, and unless I practice what I preach, people will stop believing.

I call her my first wife - that keeps her on her toes (if not her back!!)

So it will be shopping no doubt, and maybe Cockermouth Sat night.

The Keith
67 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:42:37

Who do you play for?? Northside ??

Steve Claringbold
68 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:45:00

I am currently "Without club" (Everton take note).

I’m currently just playing three or four six a side games for various teams during the week to keep me fitness up.

The Keith
69 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:47:45

In the Billy Rafferty make me a million floodlight league???
I used to play at the Sports Centre just off the roundabout for North West Water.
Scored 38 goals in 8 league games and 22 in 4 cup games. Still a record I believe.
That was 29 years ago mind.

Steve Claringbold
70 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:51:00

Yeah, you think the refs in the prem are back you should see that lot in the floodlight league.

Anything goes, it’s like UFC without the cage. I’ve started putting razorblades on me boots now though.

Steve Claringbold
71 Posted 31/08/2007 at 18:53:00

Substitute back for bad and that last sentence makes more sense.

Damn my quick fingers.

smithy
72 Posted 31/08/2007 at 21:12:29

To the tune of that agadoo song(if thats wat its called but u know what i mean)......

yaaa ku bu bu score a goal coz your a blue! yaku bu bu he wears the numba 22

Chris Leyland
73 Posted 31/08/2007 at 21:56:00

To the Theme of Dad's Army:

Yakubu do you think you are kidding, Mr Kenwright, if you think that he's the one