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Let's pretend Moyes visits Heston thingy's caff..

By EJ Ruane :  24/03/2009 :  Comments (0) :
And as a result of food poisoning, can't attend the Wigan game. Anyway, long story short, they put me in charge (yes and Round was with him...ok!) So, what do I do?

Well apart from the obvious (ie: carving 'Kenwright out!' and 'KEIOC!' all over the changies) I would have a word with Tim Howard. Nothing critical mind, just an instruction:

"Tim — for the first five minutes of each half, you can't... you must NOT distribute the ball with your foot. You MUST roll or throw it out"

I would then grab Hibbo, Jags, Lescott and Baines and say "Back-four huddle guuuuyz! Ok [whispers] right, for the first five minutes, you can ONLY pass the ball to a player in your own half"

And what would this 'achieve'? Well, there's an odd thing about Everton (maybe with other sides as well but I only notice it with us). Whatever the 'pattern' of the first five minutes or so, that's it.

What I mean is that — is — IT!!

Blackburn away was a good example: as you watched the ball being hoofed and headed up in the air for the first 5 minutes, you kind of knew what the other 85 would be like. I never, not for one second thought, "after 15/20 mins we'll start to get the ball down and play".

The Stoke (H) game was really odd: 2nd minute (well... really early on), Tim rolls the ball to Baines and for the entire half we're knocking it about on the deck, working openings, we're confident and they look like... what they are.

Half-time, we're 2 up, it's a practice game — piece of urine.

Second half, Tim bleedin' leathers the thing up the park first time he gets it and... well, two COMPLETELY different sides. One good to watch and effective, the other just... erm... fuckin'... um... 'Walterish'.

It's as if the first five minutes sets the pattern for each half and there's some unwritten code that says [Carlsberg ad voice] "Break ye not the pattern of the first 5 — those who do will be called gay by the rest of the lads".

Maybe Moyes needs to develop one of those number codes Cus D'Amato had for Tyson: "Mike, mike: 7-7-9" ... That might seem OTT but maybe these lads NEED to be told... well... everything.

I know me screaming "Get it on the fuucking deck!!! [SFX: hoofing sound] Oh for fuck's sake...HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES EVERTON!!?" just doesn't work. And I'm the gaffer for fuc... oh no — that was just pretend, wasn't it.


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