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Do one, Mr Spock!

By EJ Ruane :  06/07/2009 :  Comments (31) :
Logic is a... erm.... 'big' subject. There's all kinds of books and philosophy on the topic. There are big names from the... um... olden days (?) who have had a hand in shaping what we think of as logic (ie: Aristotle, Plato... probably).

Logic is something we generally apply to live better lives. If it's a cold morning, it's logic that tells us wear a scarf. If Jimmy Tarbuck is on telly, it's logic that tells us put a brick through the screen.

Illogical on the other hand, we won't have ANY truck with. Illogical is just another way of saying/behaving dumb or stupid. "Work for £8 a month? Don't be bleedin' daft. Where's the logic there?" Etc.

Incredible then, when you think that regarding Everton Football Club, we're prepared, on an almost daily basis, to spit in the eye of Mr Logic.

Here is a list of 20 really illogical things that some or all Evertonians do from time to time — oh, myself included (nb: but I'm not saying which ones):

1) Supporting a team playing in a league we can't win.

2) Going up against teams who have spent hundreds of millions more than us, losing, and blaming one individual playing for us (ie: "It was all Hibbo's fault")

3) Questioning a player's loyalty for contemplating a move that will double his wages (especially if he was never an Evertonian to begin with).

4) Wearing a scarf... in 28 degrees C.

5) Spending £3 for a pint at half time and then chucking it over someone.

6) Arguing that Everton FC moving to a town from a city is a good thing.

7) Singing that.. "Tim Cahill, Tim Cahill, Tim Cahill..." song

8) Supporting a Chairman who has proved himself a top spoofer.

9) Forgiving anyone anything because they're "a good Evertonian".

10) Instantly hating any celeb who 'supports' the lovable reds.

11) Believing that, if Man City spend Chelsea-style money on a load on good players, they'll still finish mid-table because they're... Man City.

12) Singing horrible songs about opposition players' wives/children/families etc.

13) Going to chippies OTHER than the Goodison Supper Bar before the game.

14) Spending three nicker on a programme.

15) Jeopardising your Job by fart-arseing around on Everton websites all day.

16) Repeating Everton rumours.

17) Never ever ever wearing anything red.

18) Buying a bib for your newborn baby that says 'I'm Everton's youngest fan", yet when talking about Muslims/people with strong religious beliefs saying 'Well they're all fuckin' brainwashed aren't they!"

19) Believing in 'The People's Club' thing, when actually there are about five shareholders who decide everything.

20) Singing that you don't care if a grey-haired man has red hair.

Sigh.... now to see what's new on KEIOC....


Reader Comments

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Adam Cunliffe
1   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:00:30

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Thanks for a good laugh EJ.... quality as ever, matey.
Steve Edwards
2   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:17:17

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Nice one, I enjoyed that. There’s a lot of people on this site who are guilty of No.11.
Mark Billing
3   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:14:02

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Err - I’m a perfectly rational sentient being and have nothing red in my wardrobe! My lad extracts the red undies from the multi-pack and drops them disdainfully straight into the bin, through pinched fingers whilst holding his nose. If you hate rhubarb, is it logical or illogical not to eat it? So therefore it’s perfectly logical not to wear red!! LOL
Stephen Davies
4   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:24:54

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Guilty of most of those, even the garage door is blue, should really put my blue car in it as well.
Enjoyed the post!
Matthew Lovekin
5   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:29:53

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What prize do I win for doing all 20?
Dave Wilson
6   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:23:48

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Guilty of at least 14 of the charges, your Honour.
Chad Schofield
7   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:46:51

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Ha ha ha, very good!
Jay Harris
8   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:46:47

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Aahh... scouse wit at it’s best.

But hang on EJ that’s not logical because erm ..... you’re Irish.

Great wit at work once again.

Keep 'em coming buddy.
David Clark
9   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:39:49

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Eh, I don’t see anything wrong? Perfectly normal behavior in my book...
Terry Maddock
10   Posted 06/07/2009 at 22:52:38

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1, 4, 5, 8, 17, 18, 19, 20... I confess.
Dennis Stevens
11   Posted 06/07/2009 at 23:57:18

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I don’t do No 1 — I support Everton!
Jamie Crowley
12   Posted 07/07/2009 at 05:01:20

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Please, more of this. Hilarious.
Very good EJ, very good!
Derek Thomas
13   Posted 07/07/2009 at 06:39:33

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Like EJ, I won’t say which one(s), but I will put my hand up for NOT GUILTY in thought or deed Re No. 5 and say in addition, your ’onour I have never thrown away beer, be it even so cheap as a penny a bucket.
Alan Clarke
14   Posted 07/07/2009 at 08:35:42

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Brilliant, I’d add tattoos of Everton crests and naming children either first name "Duncan" or middle name "Amokachi" to the list.
Rob Williamson
15   Posted 07/07/2009 at 09:25:43

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No 18.....Brilliant!
Michael Evans
16   Posted 07/07/2009 at 09:42:24

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EJ — I so needed a good laugh this morning after a few shit days and then I read this ... Brilliant funny read! Thanks.
Colin Potter
17   Posted 07/07/2009 at 09:49:01

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I thought being guilty of all 20 was normal behavior!
Eugene Ruane
18   Posted 07/07/2009 at 09:54:49

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Jay Harris - I live/work in Dublin but am from Liverpool.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying "HOW DARE YOU SAY I’M NOT IRISH!!" (in the same way as Jason Donovan took offence when there were rumours about him being gay...WHICH HE WASN’T!!!!!!!!!!).

Just stating a fact like.

Actually as my mother was from Roscommon, and my dad’s side from Mayo, so the way it works here is that if I got caught molesting a chicken, the papers would say "VERY ENGLISH pervert commits fowl act".

If on the other hand I save a child who has fallen through cracked ice on top of a pond, the headline would say "DUBLIN MAN originally from Liverpool with IRISH connections saves IRISH child...IN IRELAND!!"

Kind of like the way Andy Murray goes from British to hopeless, miserable, Scots choker, the second he’s dumped out of Wimbledon.
Eugene Ruane
19   Posted 07/07/2009 at 10:18:10

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Actually that should be "HOW DARE YOU SAY I AM IRISH!!"

(I will from time to time put in the occasional deliberate mistake so you know posts are not computer generated.)
Ciarán McGlone
20   Posted 07/07/2009 at 10:55:07

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I’d say ’scouse wit’ has an invariably Irish nuance about it anyway.

Good work Mr Ruane.
Jay Harris
21   Posted 07/07/2009 at 13:29:18

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Eugene, I unreservedly apologise for even inferring that you’re Irish!!!!!

I dont care whether you’re black or white, fat or thin, keep 'em coming mate. It’s always a pleasure to read your posts.

Please consider yourself recategorised on my computer to a True Blue scouser with an Irish twist.

Ciaran you’re spot on there.... to be sure, but how do you get that accent over the a?
Michael Evans
22   Posted 07/07/2009 at 14:09:49

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Re-read it ... even funnier second time around. Good stuff!
Matthew Mackey
23   Posted 07/07/2009 at 16:58:53

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Great article!

No 15 made me laugh, but then I realized I had a problem coz that’s what I seem to do a lot of at the moment!
Gavin Cahill
24   Posted 07/07/2009 at 17:17:14

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Alrite EJ. You left out "planning all your uefa cup aways via Amsterdam"
Marc Williams
25   Posted 07/07/2009 at 19:37:30

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Excellent E J, but as I’m doing No 15 right now must dash !!!
Patty Beesley
26   Posted 08/07/2009 at 12:24:50

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Guilty, me lud, of nos. 1, 3, 11, 14, 15, 17 abd 19 ... won’t even use red washing pegs on my line!!!

Enjoyed a good laugh ... thanks, matey!
Keith Glazzard
27   Posted 08/07/2009 at 21:06:56

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In the matter of 17 - the wearing of red.

As well as doing his bit for logic, Aristotle also had a few words to say about aesthetics: the appreciation of beauty or quite simply good taste.

A man can, should he wish, wear suits made from blue material, but such a costume in red would surely place him on the stage of the Empire in the dying days of Variety. No doubt some women can carry off a red outfit, but this puts us in mind of Chris de Burgh, and I can rest my case.

Incidentally, one part of Aristotle’s aesthetics is his theory of "katharsis", or purging of the emotions "through pity and fear", that is accomplished by a tragedy. So the old Greek knew more about football than he was letting on.
Chris Lawlor
28   Posted 09/07/2009 at 15:23:39

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This had me laughing out loud at my desk and as I’m grossly guilty of No 15, I may have given myself away... Great stuff though mate.
John Dybvad
29   Posted 10/07/2009 at 14:07:10

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Okay, I’m going to be the pedantic one here, and point out that E.J. Ruane seems to be talking about rationality rather than logic. Just saying, like. :)
Robert Treacy
30   Posted 10/07/2009 at 22:20:45

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Only guilty of twelve... I must work on the rest. Thanks for the laugh.
Sheila Whyte
31   Posted 11/07/2009 at 15:55:38

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I am guilty of: 1, 10 and 17.

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