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At least we don't support Grimsby Town!

By Peter Griffin :  13/11/2009 :  Comments (23) :
International break so...

...this is an open letter from a fan to the Players of Grimsby Town (it's on the GT fansite,

Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC

I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your ‘performance’ (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little pissflaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely fuck all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you’ve been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it’s only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don’t bother packing your toothbrush – you won’t need it.

In the event that our beloved chairman can’t afford the expense (understandable given that he’s soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I’ll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys – strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate bástards; leave this club now and don’t you fucking dare look back. You’ve consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth’s scrótum, so frankly you can just all fuck off – don’t pass go, don’t collect your wages, don’t ever come back to this town again.

I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald’s drive-thru in the near future.

Yours sincerely

A very disillusioned Mariner

Every club must have a similar fan?

Reader Comments

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Michael Kenrick
Editorial Team
1   Posted 13/11/2009 at 14:15:03

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Just the one?
Ian Tunstead
2   Posted 13/11/2009 at 14:24:43

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Haha, that's how to do it, Tony.
Gareth Prytherch
3   Posted 13/11/2009 at 14:29:08

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I take back anything I’ve ever said about people on here being negative!!!
Eric Myles
4   Posted 13/11/2009 at 15:24:17

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Look forward to seeing them in the Premier League, they’ll fit right in!!
Andy Morden
5   Posted 13/11/2009 at 15:29:10

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Wow, he got the whole team in. We usually just reserve this kind of stuff for Osman / Hibbert / Fellaini....
Danny Burke
6   Posted 13/11/2009 at 15:48:10

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"In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and wánking furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here."

Just snorted tea on the keyboard. I blame Grimsby Town for that!
Tony Williams
7   Posted 13/11/2009 at 16:11:24

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Danny, a girl in work has just asked me why I was giggling so much due to that bit.

I didn’t realise that Marshy’s second team was Grimsby.
Phil Bellis
8   Posted 13/11/2009 at 16:52:36

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That’s right up there with the "...players had proper names, like Wilf, Bert..." rant of a few years ago

I wonder if they’ve got a Doddy — I’d love to read his response.
Tony Marsh
9   Posted 13/11/2009 at 17:14:50

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A sloth's scrotum — fucking brilliant

Pure passion from a poor disallusioned soul. Know that feeling only too well. Imagine how he would feel supporting us?

At least at Grimsby you don't expect to do anything of note while down here... uh em... we think we should win stuff.

Pat Finegan
10   Posted 13/11/2009 at 19:03:42

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Now that’s what I call quality reading! Thank you for brightening up my day and making me thankful to be Evertonian.
Dave Thompson
11   Posted 13/11/2009 at 19:19:11

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Fish-catching genius!
Jimmy Crack
12   Posted 13/11/2009 at 19:38:27

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Don’t know if you all read the comments but there’s a link in there to a Liverpool board where the bastards try to pass it off as their own!

David Edwards
13   Posted 14/11/2009 at 01:03:36

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For 15 years I lived in Grimsby, and so despite myself (as a live-long Evertonian), I was drawn towards The Mariners as my second team (especially when the birth of my children prevented me making the cross-country trip to Goodison for a while).

I’ve watched some great games, including their two late -90s Wembley triumphs, when they beat Keegan’s Fulham in the play-offs, and when they were once heading towards play-off contention in the old Division 1 (now the Championship).

Consequently, I feel for this fan, purely because (next to going to the Grand Old Lady) Blundell Park in Cleethorpes was such a ’proper’ football ground, full of ’real’ and ’knowledgeable’ football fans, who would be great company for many Evertonians on Merseyside and beyond.

It’s about 10 years that they were seriously considering a new ground on the outskirts, with the potential to hold 25,000 in the end (Premier League status allowing, that is) — yet, since then, it has been a disastrous drop down the ranks.

They have not heeded last season’s great escape (helped by other teams being docked points), and sadly I see this year as their last year in the main league ever (as I can’t see them doing a Doncaster and getting back in — look at Chester and Wrexham struggling to make an impression).

To think that once BBC Radio Humberside used to give the Mariners top billing before Hull, Scunthorpe and Lincoln — a warning to those Evertonians who think the club’s currently lack of ambition won’t eventually move us into relegation scraps in a season or two — because history says it might unless we get some new investment!

I would urge TW readers to give their secondary support to the Mariners for the rest of the season (I suppose ’twinning’ is out of the question!) and while I expect mid-table mediocrity this season from us, let’s hope that the Mariners can pick themselves up pronto.

COYBs and COYMs!!!!

Matthew Lovekin
14   Posted 14/11/2009 at 09:56:55

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Perhaps life as an Evertonian is not so bad!
Paul Joy
15   Posted 14/11/2009 at 12:30:42

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Fantastic - don’t you just love footy?
Karl Masters
16   Posted 15/11/2009 at 23:22:09

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It’s something we should have told our Board a long time ago!

A Class A rant. Love it!
Alex Robinson
17   Posted 17/11/2009 at 15:37:29

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As a Grimsby boy born and bred, but a Bluenose since I was nine (I’m now 34), it pains me to see the Mariners in the peril that they’re in. I remember going to Blundell Park in the early 90s and seeing "us" play the likes of Sunderland, Derby and the like, and playing them off the grass. Hell, Town even beat a Liverpool side containing one Michael Owen in the Worthington Cup once. :)

However, like the town itself, Grimsby Town FC has gradually declined over the years until they find themselves in their current peril. A couple of family members still go to BP occasionally and frequently wished they hadn’t. Even an ex-Toffee in Mike Newell couldn’t turn things around.

Which brings me to how intertwined Grimsby and Everton have been over the years. Remember when the Toffees got knocked out of the Cup by the Mariners in the mid-eighties? The scorer — Paul Wilkinson, who was promptly signed by the Dome the following season (or was it CH?).

Next up, John Oster, who I saw play at Blundell Park as he was coming through the ranks at Grimsby, and was snapped up by Everton for £1.5 mill. OK, it kinda went a bit pear-shaped after that, but still. Peter Beagrie played there at the end of his playing days.

And finally Mr Newell, who most Grimsby fans welcomed with open arms after his stance over bungs while at Luton, but whose relationship went sour withinh a few months.

Anyway, as a Bluenose through and through, but still pround of my hometown football club, I hope the Mariners can pull themselves out of the mire aka the Conference. Maybe Davie could lend them the likes of Agard and Baxter for a month or two to help the cause.

Up the Toffees...and save the Mariners

Karl Masters
18   Posted 17/11/2009 at 20:20:12

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That day Grimsby won by one last-minute goal to nil at Goodison was 25 years ago this coming Friday - Nov 20, 1984.

We had just won 10 games in a row (that was some season) and yet even though we battered (ha, ha) them with wave after wave (ha ha again) we could not score.

I had to trawl (sorry!) through the archives for that one.
Alex Robinson
19   Posted 17/11/2009 at 20:43:46

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Karl — brilliant mate! Heard all the fishy jokes before ;-)
I think the point I was trying to make was that both Everton and Grimsby have a fanatical fan base in their own town/city. The only difference is numbers, not passion. Here’s to a continued Toffees/Mariners collaboration.

I’m a ToffeeMariner... and proud :)
David Edwards
20   Posted 17/11/2009 at 22:43:28

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Nice one Alex - let’s get the blue, black and white scarves on order and the Harry Haddocks with special blue noses! Toffeemariner has a good ring to it!! Take care!
Alex Robinson
21   Posted 18/11/2009 at 19:23:37

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Hear hear! Thanks Dave - where abouts in Grimsby did you live by the way? I’ve lived in Cleethorpes and Waltham.
Here’s hoping the Mariners can get better - rumours are that Russel Slade is on his way back. Not the best manager but he knows the territory and it’ll (hopefully) be a bit of stability.

Come on you Blues! ...and Mariners!
Joe Grundy
22   Posted 19/11/2009 at 20:44:51

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I found that very funny haha ...

They are in a really bad position at the moment tho
Rob Beel
23   Posted 21/11/2009 at 04:50:30

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I’m a staunch bluenose since the early eighties, and also Grimsby born and bred who followed Town the length and breadth of the country for near on 20 years before moving to Oz. Is saddens me to see GTFC in such a position but i just about pissed myself with after reading that article,,,,,,Town may be in the shite but at least we can still have a good rant with a large dose of humour!!!! Newell was sacked not only cos of the poor position but cos he was evidently a piss head too, same rumours that were also going round Luton in his time there. The connection between GTFC and EFC also stretch to a certain Mike Lyons being our boss too in the eighties, great defender shite manager. No more EFC ex players to manage TOWN,,,,,,,,,, PLEASE!!!!!!!

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