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Santa's Christmas gifts for EFC 2009

By Ray Said :  21/12/2009 :  Comments (11) :

Ho Ho Ho!

Not for chlidren!

It's nighttime on Christmas Eve and Santa is creeping into Goodison Park with a sack full of goodies.

A perma-tanned man jumps out grinning ear to ear; it's Jim, the knobhead from Sky Sports!

Jim: “Sky Sports here with an exclusive look inside Santa’s bag...”

Santa [jumping 2 feet in the air] “What the fuck!!  This is private; you can’t look in the bag, soft lad.”

Jim [waving a piece of paper]: “Sorry Santa, read the contract; Sky Sports have exclusive confederative and contractual rights over any bag once you step foot in a Premier League ® ground.”

Santa [looking at the contact]:  “Paul Stretford? Who the fuck is Paul Stretford! He’s not my agent!”

Jim:  “Don’t worry about that; he said he would sign it for you and send the Adams family to sort it out with you later.”

Santa [face turning as white as his beard]:  “Oh shit! — so I’ll be waking up with Rudolph's head in me bed?”

Jim [grinning like an idiot]:  “Not the first time from what I've heard but what you do in your private life is your own affair... Anyway, let's have a look in the bag; I see you have rather a full sack this year, Santa.”

Santa [reluctantly opening up his bag]:  “Well, the girlfriend left and I have been a bit lonely...”

Jim: “I see your bag is sponsored by Tesco this year Santa?”

Santa [looking very embarrassed]; “Look, that deal was done before the Minister's decision. Corporate looters — killing the small businessman they are... but they offered a lot of money and the greedy bastard shareholders insisted.  I don't make these kind of decisions anyway, I am just the Chairman.”

Jim [looking embarrassed]: “Ok well, obviously Santa's one of them scouse lefties we have all heard about!  Right, Stalin, let's just have a look in that bag!”

Santa [reaching into the bag, muttering ‘Fucking media...’]: “Ok, first up is Jô.”

Jim [looking impatient]: “And what did Santa bring?”

Santa: “It's a letter from ‘Fat Harold's’ private detective agency. Let's have a little look at it...” [tearing open the envelope and reading the letter...] “Bloody hell, it says there has been a terrible mistake and seems that Jô wasn't born in Brazil after all. Seems that when he was little he asked his mum who his dad was and she told him she went out one night and had a Brazilian and 9 months later he has born.  He then went round telling everyone he is Brazilian only it turns out his mam went up County Road for a downstairs wax and trim and got a bit friendly with the owner... Brazilian my arse!!!!!”

Santa: “Next one is for Phil Neville... from his great, great, great grandchildren and it’s a display cabinet for his World War 1 campaign medals. Ah, isn’t that nice!”

Jim: “What about Yobo — he is one of my favorites, he is always so nice to the strikers he plays against'.

Santa: “It’s a pooper-scooper for clearing up the shit he leaves behind in the penalty box.”

Santa: “Got one for Bilya... Bilyaletdi... the Russian fella — and it's a pen and paper so he can finally make a cross!”

Jim: “Ok Santa, can we quicken up a bit please. I need to get back to London to stick my tongue back on Mr Wenger's arse.'

Santa: “All right, all right... last few gifts now; a couple for the Yak here and the first one is a nice La Senza bra, size 44DDD — bit odd that one, usually gets it in the Lilac.  Second one is from Big Billy Bellybuster's Café on the Dock Rd and it's a season ticket for the extra jumbo breakfast session — no imagination some people; same gift as last year.'

Santa: “Got one for Fellai here and it's the usual — GHD straighteners.”

Jim: “What about Big Moyesie, or the Moyesiah as you lot call him?”

Santa [mumbling under his breath “fucking poncey ball bag...”]: "You're not from around here are you lad?”

Santa: “Ok, the first one for Moyes is a letter from someone signing as ‘Cap'n Ever-Present’ let's have a little read — whoa, that’s a bit steamy!!  ‘I will never forget that wonderful night in the showers when…’ — no wonder he’s never dropped!!!”

“Last one is for Moyesie is from Old Granny Moyes and it's The Graham Taylor Bumper Book of Football Tactics. Poor old dear must be getting senile in her old age, she’s sent him the same gift every Christmas since he was 20.”

Jim [dancing from foot to foot and holding his crotch]: “Ooh, ooh... Graham Taylor, my hero!!!! I have always wanted to have a look at his book, it's a limited edition you know, apparently it's mandatory reading for managers of clubs outside the “BIG FOUR”® (Sky Sports).  Page 1:– ’Hoof the ball as hard as you can’; Page 2:– ‘Hoof the ball as hard as you can’; Page 3:– “Hoof the ball as hard as you can’; Page 4– 'Make halftime notes in little book to tell the players to “Hoof the ball harder”... Oh my god, the man is a total genius!!!"

Jim: “Right Santa, now that's out of the way, what the viewers really want to know is have you got in the bag for England's Stevie G$$$£££ Lar? He's from around here isn't he?”

Santa [throwing the bag to the ground]: “All right soft lad, I have had well enough from you..." [Santa turns and nuts Jim who drops to the ground.]

Santa: “Right! That’s it for me, can’t take any more... TAXI!!!”

Reader Comments

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Keith Glazzard
1   Posted 22/12/2009 at 02:21:05

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Not being a qualified psychiatrist its difficult to know where to start here. However, ’return unopened’ no longer exists, so...

No, just read it again.

Ray - let me recommend any good Cotes du Rhone Villages in preference to the Thunderbird or whatever hooch produced this. A pound or two more, of course, but worth it.

Have you ever seen "Harvey", the James Stewart movie where he has this six foot white rabbit companion? Love that movie.

And Harvey, the real thing, has existed in my life — Santa never has.
Tony Williams
2   Posted 22/12/2009 at 12:17:19

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Having a Sherry just once a year has somehow grown into Gold Label for breakfast, hey Ray?

Nothing better for Christmas, a post taking the piss out of all the players your don’t like.

Merry Christmas fella!!!!
Liam Reilly
3   Posted 22/12/2009 at 12:58:25

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Erm: I’m not frequently lost for words but......
Duncan McDine
4   Posted 22/12/2009 at 14:28:37

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The most comical part was the fact that I read it all the way to the end. I must need my annual head check — as for Ray...
Dan Brierley
5   Posted 22/12/2009 at 14:49:47

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Doesn’t everyone drink Gold Label for breakfast? I think it's a great combo with my Shredded Wheat....
Gavin Ramejkis
6   Posted 22/12/2009 at 15:57:40

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I thought it was just Special Brew that had best before 9:30am instead of a date?
Nick Entwistle
7   Posted 22/12/2009 at 16:04:29

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I couldn’t even get to the end of this either, but to be fare, it is better than that circus crap Amanda Holden is in.
Keith Glazzard
8   Posted 22/12/2009 at 16:52:26

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Gavin - as someone once famously - probably not so famous come to think of it - said, its 9.30 somewhere.
Larry Boner
9   Posted 22/12/2009 at 18:27:26

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Mr Said, I take it your sense of humour was removed at birth. You cannot possibly be a scouser?
Ray Burn
10   Posted 23/12/2009 at 12:39:02

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"it is better than that circus crap Amanda Holden is in."

Read this or watch that. I believe this situation is known as the Cornelian dilemma.
Eric Day
11   Posted 26/12/2009 at 16:20:48

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Jow about something much more simple like a NEW OWNER!!! and perhaps a manager who can look to players (even if on loan) that meet or needs. I am talking a central defender and a midfiled ball winner not some fancy dans

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