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My case for the total and utter destruction of the city of Birmingham

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Nearly a week has gone by since the Villa vs Everton game and I am as smegged off as I was at the final whistle. I hate Aston Villa, more than I do the Shite. It's never straightforward with these tossers. There's always is a late goal, a red card or whatnot so that we never beat them.

This time it would be easy to blame Moyesie's ultra-defensive tactics for us failing to get a point (three actually) against a Villa side in turmoil. It would be easy for us to hold our hands up and admit to a tactical cock-up. But fuck that... it's easier to blame Villa instead ? so let's do that.

I fucking hate Villa. And slowly but surely I am beginning to hate the city of Birmingham in it's entirety. I have been to the British metropoles of Stoke, Reading, Brighton, Liverpool and Swansea amongst others but truthfully never to Birmingham. However, I have only heard bad things about Birmingham from Brummie mates of others and mine who visited. It's a fucking shit-hole from what I have been told where the women look like men and the men are fucking wankers.

Anyhow, I digress. From an Evertonian point of view, we have everything to gain and nothing to lose from the total and utter destruction of the city of Birmingham. You don't believe me? Consider the following:

1. No more Aston Villa: No more purple-clad tossers with a Woody Allenesque manager (ok that problem has been solved prematurely) who fucking make my life a misery. Fuck off, Lerner; fuck off Carew... and so fuck off, Ashley Young, you fucking tosser. I hate you the most.

2. No more Wolverhampton Wanderers: There was a time not so long ago I used to like Wolves. I probably just found their crest cute and was misled. Well, guess what... I hate Wolves, too. Fuck off, you cunts. Three 1-1s later, I cannot bare the sight of McCarthy (well, he is not exactly an Adonis to start with now, is he?). But my point is that I hate Wolves. Fuck them.

3. No more Birmingham City: God Almighty, I hate them, too. Not only were we unable to beat this subpar team last season, but we also got knocked out at home by them in the FA Cup in what would have been an easy run. Just like Wolves, they frustrated the shit out of me last season and need to be punished for that. Annihilation seems like the only reasonable solution.

4. No more West Bromwich Albion: Admittedly, they have not troubled the Mighty Toffees in recent years so some might argue that it would be unfair to be resentful towards them. That may be true, but consider the sparrow (is that a sparrow?) on their team crest. Although I find sparrows cute, I bet this particular one is a total tosser and would shit all over you if you walked under his tree. Destroy him before he destroys you. Annihilation!!!

5. There is a 5th team in Birmingham that I can't think of right now. Fuck them, elusive cunts...

Fuck Birmingham. I hate that city and so should you.

COYB! FTRS!
Matthew Salem, Seattle, USA     Posted 04/09/2010 at 00:00:45

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Michael Kenrick
Editorial Team
1   Posted 04/09/2010 at 06:56:49

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Classic Rant, Matthew! Can't decide if you need anger management or some better drugs.

I know you haven't had much of a summer so I blame the weather!
Joey Brown
2   Posted 04/09/2010 at 07:03:57

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Yeahh fuck em!
Jimmy Saville
3   Posted 04/09/2010 at 07:23:57

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Time for you to buy an atlas!

Wolverhampton & West Brom are slightly different places than Birmingham.

Like saying Wigan is in Liverpool.
Ged Simpson
4   Posted 04/09/2010 at 07:35:35

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That is such a good article I copied to send to a mate.

So much more enjoyable than some nerd with "inside" knowledge rambling on and on and on and on and on about what % of his income BK spends on laces compared to the owner of Blackburn or why DM is rubbish because Osman has a pass rate of 67.00998765% in games with the Top 7...away.

Eugene Ruane
5   Posted 04/09/2010 at 07:58:50

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The accent doesn't help.

Remember the old gag?

(spoken in a Brummie accent)

Noddy Holder goes into a tailor's and says..

"I'm re-forming Slade, need new stage clothes - a pair of flares, a wide collar shirt, platform boots and a mirrored top hat.

"What about a kipper tie?" asks the assistant

"Oh thanks" says Noddy "2 sugars please."

Ithangyew!
Gavin Ramejkis
6   Posted 04/09/2010 at 08:16:06

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I've always hated Birmingham for a few reasons.

1. It's the place I've probably wasted most of my life stuck in traffic jams for fucking hours ? my only guess is its the thousands trying to get the fuck out of it or past it ? the section past the RAC centre at J9 should be forty lanes wide... and they even built a toll road to avoid the shithole.

2. The place truly is a shithole, the bullring just looks like a trud made out of chrome

3. If you had a PhD and you were from Birmingham with a brummy accent you would still sound thick as mince.
Eugene Ruane
7   Posted 04/09/2010 at 08:24:18

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A 'Throstle' on WBA badge?
Stephen Kenny
8   Posted 04/09/2010 at 08:38:56

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The most sensible suggestion I've ever read on TW.
David McKitt
9   Posted 04/09/2010 at 09:08:05

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Brilliant!
Matthew Salem
10   Posted 04/09/2010 at 09:15:32

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Thanks lads...I needed to vent my frustration and could not think of any other way of doing so. As everybody can tell, I am "displeased".

Nah Michael, both anger managemnet and Oxycoton proved futile. Thanks btw for correcting all my spelling errors as I totally forgot to do a spell-check. So is there a 5th team in the proximity of the city?
Derek Thomas
11   Posted 04/09/2010 at 09:13:42

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Too right, I agree. Timothy Spall had them down to a tee, the dumber in dumb and.

As Rex Harrison said in My Fair Lady... as soon as one Englishman opens his mouth and speaks another will dispise him. In this case with due cause.

Off post(ish)#1 Catherine - do I look bovvered? Tate; if you can't think of something to do pinch and revamp an older idea.

Off post(ish)#2 For our older listeners, 10 pts, name the character and perpetrator of this catch phrase...and we are talking Workers Playtime vintage here.

' oor right each '
Nick Parker
12   Posted 04/09/2010 at 09:28:37

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Fantastic rant Matthew. You cheered me up no end.

On a positive note the M6 toll is great because it enables you to get past the arse of England quicker and worth every one of the five pounds they charge.
Matthew Lovekin
13   Posted 04/09/2010 at 09:45:59

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Matthew, do I presume from your article that you have ruled out going to Birmingham for your holidays?
Matthew Salem
14   Posted 04/09/2010 at 10:13:56

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Ironically, I may be going to Birmingham by year's end to visit a mate. I have never been there before, but I have yet to hear a single good thing about the place.

There is a chance that I may visit the city and see that Brummies are human beings who love, laugh and live just like the rest of us. A part of me might feel compassionate towards my fellow Brummie man (as I am told the women there look just like men I can exclude the term "fellow-woman" and still be politically correct). I may very well ponder that we should all just live together in peace and harmony and question my motives.

But then there is the other part in me , the Bitter Evertonian who thinks: "Fuck this... I'll be as cautious as Moyes. If I annihilate 4 teams at once, we are assured 16th spot and won't get relegated for another season. Exterminate!"

In other words, my destruction of Birmingham and outskirts barely saves us from relegation. So in a way I am just being like Moyes playing 4-5-1 for 38 games. So how is my action any worse than what the gaffer has been doing the last 3 games? I rest my case...
Phil Bellis
15   Posted 04/09/2010 at 10:41:19

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Matthew
as a great Evertonian once commented...
"Birmingham - 2 million people with the same speech impediment"
David Hallwood
16   Posted 04/09/2010 at 10:34:54

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Whenever people slag Liverpool (which is quite often), my reply is, "You've never been to Birmingham then?" never a truer word spoken in jest. The place is a themeless shit hole, that was built probably by Nostradamus because he knew that motorways would have to converge somewhere.

Ironically Villa Park was a happy hunting ground in the 80s ? it was our semi-final second home.
Stewart Oakes
17   Posted 04/09/2010 at 10:43:05

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There has only ever been 4 good things to come out of Birmingham.

Robert Plant,
John Bonham,
HP Sauce
and the M6.
Ronan Mathews
18   Posted 04/09/2010 at 11:03:06

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How are we meant to look upon Birmingham born James Vaughan? Come on, support your toffees!
Eugene Ruane
19   Posted 04/09/2010 at 11:13:44

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It must be annoying for an ex-player like Eddie Youds when he looks at the money brummie Vaughan is earning.

I mean I imagine Vaughan will finish his career considerably...richer...than YOUDS!!
John Brennan
20   Posted 04/09/2010 at 11:45:52

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We bought Bob Latchford from Birmingham, so we can thank them for that!

I'm going down on Tuesday for a couple of days as I have family there. Even worse, my brother in law is a Man City supporter (from Bury).

There is a nice pub in Harborne called the Blue Bell but the beer is M&B Brew 11. Uuurrgh!!

As well as half of Led Zep, Brum gave us the Moody Blues but cocked things up by also giving us Roy Wood!!

Ellen West
21   Posted 04/09/2010 at 11:41:52

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My case for not allowing people from Seattle anywhere near a computer...

..see original post.

Dick.

Stewart, could we not include Arthur Conan Doyle, Tolkien and various members of Duran Duran in your list?
Mike Allison
22   Posted 04/09/2010 at 12:01:27

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Christ if you lot think Birmingham is that bad have you never heard of Coventry? The city that wishes it was Birmingham.
Eugene Ruane
23   Posted 04/09/2010 at 12:10:32

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Discreet bouquet reminiscent of raspberries, almonds, Brut and fanny.

The taste/aroma is predominantly cherry/plummy with berry elements, including strawberry and raspberry Angel Delight.

It's taste less subtle, it can remove unwanted hair from garden gnomes and will have a tortoise out of it's shell in less than a second.

Perfect to enjoy with lighter meats such as goose, duck and spam (and at Yuletide, Ye Olde Oak Ham...flavoured stuff)

I am of course talking about Chateau Pleck (the 2009 of course!)
Gavin Ramejkis
24   Posted 04/09/2010 at 11:59:46

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Phil B, love the quote on speech impediments. John B, Roy Wood and Led Zep had the foresight to move...
Dave Rooney
25   Posted 04/09/2010 at 12:25:53

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The other team you're thinking about is probably Walsall.
Joe McMahon
26   Posted 04/09/2010 at 14:22:57

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I have to disagree here a little, if you look at it as the Midlands:

Black Sabbath
The Specials
The Beat
The Wonderstuff
Gaye Bykers on Acid
Pop will Eat Itself
Frank Skinner
Jasper Carrott
... and the one and only Noddy Holder.

It's a good night out, and the reason we can't beat these teams is because of Moye'ss lack of tactical ability ? and, of course, Osman. Also their chairmen aren't luvy tossers searching 24/7, watching a space, or watching a fucking countdown.

Eugene Ruane
27   Posted 04/09/2010 at 15:07:32

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Jesus Joe - Jasper Carrot!?

A thousand paper cuts to the bell end, followed by the whole thing being dipped in Saxa, would be funnier than that twat.

If he's one of their top names, they really ARE goosed!
Joeynkoo Ludden
28   Posted 04/09/2010 at 15:26:33

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One of the most ill-advised articles to be published on this site, a really bad show of judgement on all parts.
Simon Birkett
29   Posted 04/09/2010 at 16:02:31

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The 5th elusive team would be Walsall and Tamworth, both teams so good they aren't worth mentioning put together.
Andy Crooks
30   Posted 04/09/2010 at 16:04:37

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Matthew, my wife has described me as a miserable curmudgeonly fucker but really, your rant, well what can I say?

Joey, if I'm right, your are a Birmingham man and I can see what you mean.

John Daley
31   Posted 04/09/2010 at 16:35:10

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http://www.birminghampost.net/news/politics-news/2009/05/04/anger-as-government-official-says-birmingham-smells-of-urine-65233-23534012/
Phil Bellis
32   Posted 04/09/2010 at 16:37:30

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One of the greatest ever TV programmes, Pipkins (too good for kids) gave us beautifully observed, realistic and and captivating characters such as Topov the monkey and Hartley Hare
One cared about them, so well-drawn were they
My favourite was Pig - how apt that he was from Birmingham. Wonderful piece of casting
Matthew Lovekin
33   Posted 04/09/2010 at 17:31:30

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Stewart (17), surely HP sauce should be top of the list?
Mike Gaynes
34   Posted 04/09/2010 at 17:35:31

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Matthew, you're a very strange man. I'm off to Seattle next week and I'd love to have a beer with you, but I'm pretty sure I'd wind up with my picture on America's Most Wanted.

One of my soccer teammates is a Birmingham native and former City hooligan who was involved in lots of violence in his younger years. He won't go into specifics, but when he takes his jersey off after the game, I can see the scars of two stab wounds. He still goes home to Birmingham a couple of times a year to see games, but he doesn't hunt with the pack anymore. At least not as far as I know.
Matthew Salem
35   Posted 04/09/2010 at 17:58:06

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What dates will you be in Seattle, Mike? Haha, nah... I'm as law-abiding as it gets, don't worry...
Chris Butler
36   Posted 04/09/2010 at 19:57:44

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Birmingham makes Baghdad look nice.
Ian Smitham
37   Posted 04/09/2010 at 20:09:16

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Eugene (No 5) never heard it before and it the funniest thing i have ever heard
Al Reddish
38   Posted 04/09/2010 at 20:30:42

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the best and funniest thing i have ever read on here. well done and fuck the cunts!!!!!!!!
Rob Hollis
39   Posted 05/09/2010 at 00:18:54

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Matthew

You are a complete and utter cretin. Remarkable even for the standards of the country that brought us George Bush.

Sod Off!
Matthew Salem
40   Posted 05/09/2010 at 00:49:45

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Rob (39),

You are making the (false) assumption that I am American, just because I currently live here. At what point did I convey my nationality?

May I assume that you are offended either because you are from Birmingham (or surroundings) or some stuck-up humourless wanker who can't handle a sense of humour that differs from yours?

Hmmm... somehow you remind me of Laura Bush now, you simplistic twat...
Robert Daniels
41   Posted 05/09/2010 at 08:52:05

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Mathew,

No-ones mentioned Crossroads, and Benny.

That's enough of a reason, on its own.
Brian Noble
42   Posted 05/09/2010 at 10:36:29

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Tell any Wolves fan he`s a Brummie and you are likely to have your lights put out! More or less the same goes for a Baggies fan ? different boroughs, different ethos ? true Staffordshiremen in my experience!

Get your Geography right, Salem ? and concentrate on hating all those witches in your own family!

Norman Merrill
43   Posted 05/09/2010 at 12:44:41

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Going back many years, dare I say it? Bill Shankly said of Birmingham, "Its the arsehole of England."

When you hear them prattle on, it's a definite sound from that region.

Kevin Hudson
44   Posted 05/09/2010 at 13:38:27

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Agreed on the accent, Norman. The Brummie accent is an assault to the ears, and second in annoyance only to the Northern Irish dialect. Culturally, our cities don't compare, as Birmingham barely scrapes the bottom of the gene pool.

I would also like to see a cessation of this "Second City," nonsense. LIVERPOOL is the second city, and was the driving force of the Industrial Revolution, and the British Empire. Something deliberately downplayed by the Scouse-hating English...

Fish (and chip) on my shoulder!!
Karl Masters
45   Posted 05/09/2010 at 17:12:18

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Ha ha.

When Villa tell everyone they are the top club in the Midlands, it's about as impressive as being the Champions of Madagascar.

However, must say that everywhere has it's share of tossers (even Merseyside) and this could be the first in a series. How about a rant from somebody about Geordies, Scots, Cockneys, Mancs, Yorkies, Teessiders, Welsh or the country folk of East Anglia or Hampshire? My own personal top of the hate pile is Chelsea fans... although bizarrely some of my best friends are Chelsea followers!
Joeynkoo Ludden
46   Posted 05/09/2010 at 19:13:36

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Matthew, just for the record... this year i celebrated 100 years since my grand dad first went to Goodison. He was a World War I Veteran. He started going to Goodison in the 1910s.

My Dad was conscripted in the late 30s. He has had a season ticket in every stand we have had since the 20s. His 3 brothers, all season tickets holders and now dead veterans, also loved our club and did their bit. They are my family.

I live, and was brought up in Birmingham. My Dad left the colossal shit hole that is Merseyside after WWII. He settled, like many others from your region, in Brum. For work. For the security of work. I was born here. I live here. I love it here.

I love Everton as much, if not more than any other toffee. I live it and fight it every day. I have to. I'm a brummie Evertonian. My partner?s young brothers are now Toffees, from Kidderminster. They love us. They realise there?s something different about Everton. A blood line. A reason. A better understanding. They are 7 and 9.

Then I see your article, and, though for years I opposed it, vocally, economically and physically, I somehow now wish we had moved to Knowsley. Maybe we would lose the narrow-minded people like you. You wrote: I've never been to Brum but I hate it. You give us a bad name. Your article though, is a disdain on the publishers for allowing it, more than you for thinking it. Any savage can dance after all. I won't for a second go into the details why my dad will never return to the north west, nor will I give you a brief history of what Brum has done for the world, I'll let you research that for yourself.

All I will say is, I am a proud brummie Evertonian, I love this club, everything about it, but you sound like you are one step away from a happy al couch service.

Matthew Salem
47   Posted 05/09/2010 at 20:26:07

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Joeynkoo,

I sincerely appreciate the military service your family has provided for Britain. I mean that. And I admire your and your family's devotion to all things Everton when living in a different city. Thank you.

However, you obviously can't handle a joke and your post shows you totally don't get what it is about. You obviously are an idiot and since you are having your period I will not antagonize you further.

The only reason I am responding to your comment however is the "gobshite/redshite" comment. Don't do it, mate. Not only does it make you look foolish, but it's against the Toffeeweb house rules and I have seen Lyndon and Michael bring that to the attention to other twats like you.
Michael Kenrick
48   Posted 05/09/2010 at 21:53:51

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That was a pretty hilarious reply from Joeynkoo... needed some editing, however, to remove the unacceptable abuse, and the redshite nonsense. I didn't think it was even right ? although perhaps it's the same level of dysfunction to hate an area you've never visited as to is to love a club you've never been to.

All a bit of silliness, getting out of hand as usual because there's always someone who takes umbrage. Who'd've thought we'd have a "brummie Evertonian" in our midst?!? ... that even had me laughing.
Eugene Ruane
49   Posted 05/09/2010 at 23:56:25

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Joey, why all the military references?

I don't give a shit if someone's granddad was in the Army or the Army & Navy.

Doesn't sway me to or from anyone's argument.

In fact this 'military mentioning' is something I'm seeing/hearing more and more these days.

It used to be soldiers were the strong silent types and the army always there, but very rarely spoken of.

Now we have TV presenters, politicians and celebs constantly giving it... "And of course our best wishes go out to the men and women of the armed..."

I don't remember it being like that when the troops were in 'Norn Iron' or even the Malvinas.

We don't have conscription, it's their choice to join, why all of a sudden are our serving soldiers being given a 'big up' every five minutes?

Like Tony Soprano said "What happened to Gary Cooper?"
James Flynn
50   Posted 06/09/2010 at 02:22:04

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Matthew Salem ? Regarding Villa from this side of the Pond. Lerner owns the Cleveland Browns of the NFL. OK. There are 2 laughingstocks in the NFL; the Detroit Lions and the Oakland Raiders.

Without them, Lerner's Browns would be Laughingstock contenders. Don't know how many Americans are in here, but they'd confirm what I just said.

The Browns are going to suck again this year. Keep in mind, the NFL has equal distribution of monies. Which brings it down to how well the management runs the franchise.

So, "I fucking hate Villa"? The longer Lerner owns them, the better you'll delight in your hate. Cause they're going nowhere but down with that boobie owning them.

Hey, good times!
John Daley
51   Posted 06/09/2010 at 15:23:07

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Joeynkoo,

You take huge offence at the slagging of Birmingham, declaring it to be "ill-advised", but then decide it's sensible to describe Merseyside as "a colossal shit hole" on an Evertonian web site? Now that's what I call fucking ill-advised.
Joeynkoo Ludden
52   Posted 06/09/2010 at 15:38:06

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Kenrick: youre not sure my assertions were right so you edited me. Yet you published a knobhead who thinks Wolverhampton is a part of Birmingham. I left this site for 2 years due to your "editing" and now I'm so sad I came back. Enjoy your armchair amateur opinions. Hence why I said shame on you for publishing this article. You didn't publish that though did you. WBA and Wolves are in brum though hey, ignoramus.

Matthew, I can take a joke no bother. I don't like complete and total bollocks though (see all my responses on this site to date). If your article was meant as a joke, perhaps it should have been, erm, funny?? Where was the joke? You just abused a region, full of toffees for no reason other than you are a (!) edited.

Merseyside is a shithole. The reason my old man and so many others from the northwest have settled here in Brum and further south is because it's more prosperous down here. Check your demographics if you don't believe me. It's richer down here. I can tell as soon as I hit Liverpool every other Saturday. I'm talking to the blind, deaf and dumb.
Joeynkoo Ludden
53   Posted 06/09/2010 at 16:04:09

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Kenrick: "Who'd've thought we'd have a "brummie Evertonian" in our midst?!? ... that even had me laughing."

Why's that? Its like having Evertonians thinking fighting for 5th is our goal now. Nil Satis? Maybe sustineo mediocris is better for this site??

After all you bang on about marketing etc, yet quite happily you will alienate the largest city in the UK and its region. You must take notes from Bill.
Michael Kenrick
54   Posted 06/09/2010 at 16:22:07

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Joeynkoo, I know you can't see the funny side of it, but this image I have of a fully fledged Evertonian, whinging on in a dreadful Brummie accent about how wonderful life is in Brum and surrounding boroughs...

Well, you've got to laugh. It is SO incongruous. "... a region full of Toffees... " Oh dear... there I go again! LMAO!!!

ps: I never bang on about marketing, but do elighten us: just hoe money Blooe Brommies ore tha down theoir? [Nah... that didn't quite work... now you sound more like a Geordie!]

Eugene Ruane
55   Posted 06/09/2010 at 16:32:40

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Joey - what the fuck does 'Hence why' mean?

(presumably pronounced 'Hence woooooooooooooy')
Michael Kenrick
Editorial Team
56   Posted 06/09/2010 at 17:27:33

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Joeynkoo, you're obviously determined NOT to take a joke and continue to fling more and more abuse (which I have removed).

Happy travels in Brummieland, lad.
John Daley
57   Posted 06/09/2010 at 17:20:19

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"Merseyside is a shithole"

A 2010 travel survey by TripAdvisor brands Birmingham as being "even more boring than drab Zurich" and concludes that Brummies are the "second ugliest in Europe", only being out-gargoyled by the people of Krakow, Poland.

A quick survey down the pub finds that the Brummie accent is the equivalent of ear-rape.
Matthew Salem
58   Posted 06/09/2010 at 17:36:07

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Joey-no-know,

you fuckin need to settle down, lad.
If it makes you feel any better, I was fully aware when writing the article that Wolverhampton and West Bromwich are not techincally in Birmingham. The only reason I made no distinction is because it's still considered a derby when any of these 4 teams play each other.

But I'm happy we have a geography whiz like you on board. Do you know where Dnjepropetrovsk is? You do? Good for you... now say "Dnjepr Dnjepropetrovsk" in your Brum accent, thickie. It will amuse Michael to no end and since he has to read your idiotic posts and edit them, he deserves a laugh.

ps: The comment you made about Eugene, which was rightfully removed, shows truely what a cunt you are.
Tony J Williams
59   Posted 06/09/2010 at 18:52:44

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Strange that an Evertonian defending where he lives is receiving some much abuse. Can you imagine the meltdown if someone turned it into a Liverpool rant?

The c word is getting branded about now, so I suggest Matthew, you also need to settle down (didn't see the Eugene post but no need for the c word)

On the lighter side, Joeynkoo, did you put your post through a Brum/English translator before posting? Only joking fella.
Michael Kenrick
60   Posted 06/09/2010 at 19:08:40

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I must admit I was taken aback by the strength of Joey's reaction, which became extremely abusive. Matthew's original rant was really just a bit of banter on a very quiet non-football weekend. Who'd've thought it was raise such wrath from a rabid Blue Brummie?!?

Tony J, you raise a question many of us who move away from Merseyside face which causes a dichotomy for the tribal underpinning of football support ? you are suddenly of two tribes. Joey rationalizes that away with his remarkable "Merseyside is a shithole" assertion. Coming from a Brummie, that is hilarious in itself. But why does he continue to support a football club that carries a massive undeniable identification with said shithole?

I was surprised to find in America that their solution is generally simple: you start supporting your new local club. That may have been changing over the last few years with TV packages that allow subscribers to follow their original home teams with ease in many cases. And supporters in the US just do not seem to compare with the tribal passion of your average English footie fan, who retains a lifelong faithful adherence to only one team.

I guess that's the trap poor Joey is stuck in. A crisis of identity... and the Brummie won!

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