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Gloom Relief ? Fantasy Football

Comments (50)

Ok then, humour me here.

A little attempt to avoid the doom & gloom we all feel, and please, this is not to belittle the thoughts/feelings/passion we all feel, but run with this.

Let's just imagine in an alternative world, BK is telling the truth, and some Billionaire buys the club. What would you do as far as purchases for the team?

Would you go the Shitty/Chelski route, and buy the best, and pretty much replace the squad, with exception of the odd few? Or, do you believe we are not too far off with what we have got and just buy the odd, World Class player?

If the later is your choice, who/where would you buy for?

For me, I would buy a CB to play with Jags, obviously a WC striker, and the right winger we all crave.

So, let's say:

RW - Landon
CB - Pique
FW - Higuan

You understand my gist of it all, a few signings and we could really be a force, we would not have to 're-invent the wheel', surely?

Steve Foster, Leeds     Posted 29/09/2010 at 10:42:36

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Terry Hayes
1   Posted 29/09/2010 at 11:33:44

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The way I feel right now, I would replace the fucking lot of them. Tin hat donned... but I just think too many of our players are overrated, the league table doesn't lie.
Chris Keightley
2   Posted 29/09/2010 at 11:35:07

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I would buy the following

Gareth Bale
Shay Given
David Trezeguet
Jack Wilshere

That bunch would get the balance of the team right and give hope to many disgruntled fans.

Sean Smythe
3   Posted 29/09/2010 at 11:36:08

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I wouldn't want wholesale quick change, just a bit of tweaking. I'd start with:

Patrice Evra - £15m (some competition for Bainesy!)

Arshavin - £25m (bit of attacking flair and class)

Adam Johnson - £18m (right side sorted)

Diarra - £15m (some midefield competition)

Tevez - £28m (if still playing4-5-1he could hold up the play and bang those goals in too)

I enjoyed spending that. See, it just takes £101m and we're sorted. Come on Bill, let's go for it!

Michael Evans
4   Posted 29/09/2010 at 11:45:00

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Well done Steve for trying to lift the gloom - hope it works for some and they contribute accordingly.

Gloom Relief ? Don't think this will help me

Thanks to the DM + BK "chuckle bros" double act it may need more than that.

At the moment, a Valium suppository the size of a torpedo wouldn't hit the spot.

James Cadwaladr
5   Posted 29/09/2010 at 11:55:10

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I'd sign Mourinho and leave him to do whatever he wants.
Anthony Hughes
6   Posted 29/09/2010 at 12:34:36

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Dani Alves---right back or right midfield cover.
Lucio---left footed centre half to go with Jagielka
Arjen Robben---wide right cutting in on the left peg or just out on the left.
Torres---up front, (how that would piss the redshite off).

Philip Lahm--left back (Bainsey could be his understudy).
John Anderson
7   Posted 29/09/2010 at 12:42:34

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Steve , do you not think we need a decent right back?
Dave Toby
8   Posted 29/09/2010 at 12:33:16

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Adam Johnson and Donovan for RM - Philip Lahm for RB - Gareth Bale for LM (&LB cover) - Stephen Defour for CM - Roger Johnson and Thomas Vermaelen for CB - Tevez and Sergio Aguero for FW

But I'd take Donovan, Bellamy and (don't shoot me) Lescott
Anthony Hughes
9   Posted 29/09/2010 at 12:44:44

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Actually looking at who i've selected four out of the five are divers, we'd be getting freekicks and penalites galore and our opponents would be playing with 10 men most games, bring on the Billionaire!!!
Steve Foster
10   Posted 29/09/2010 at 12:50:22

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@John Anderson No.7

Well, if we had the money, another RB would not go a miss. But to be honest, right now, I am firmly in the Seamus Coleman camp, think he could be something special.

And also, with all this cash floating around, Johnny could play at RB if needed, seeing we would have a WC CB....
Kevin Hudson
11   Posted 29/09/2010 at 13:00:22

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Would Riquelme be interested?
Alex Kociuba
12   Posted 29/09/2010 at 13:23:17

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Earl Barrett: £10m
Brett Angel: £12m
Marc Hottiger: £7m
Vinny Samways: £18m
Richard Reeves
13   Posted 29/09/2010 at 13:25:15

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Like James 5# says, I would get Mourinho in and tell him he can sign who he likes with no interference, as long as he talks up the club and does not do anything to put the club in a bad light. I would also put it in his contract that he can never sign for the red shite.
Jay Harris
14   Posted 29/09/2010 at 13:47:57

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Think you've undervalued Earl Barrett there Alex!!

Peter Beagrie once told me he was the worst full back he'd ever seen and couldnt understand what he was doing in an Everton shirt.
Nick Entwistle
15   Posted 29/09/2010 at 13:56:27

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I'd buy Rooney and not play him.
Erik Dols
16   Posted 29/09/2010 at 14:33:07

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I'd spend it all on Danny Cadamarteri.
Dave Lynch
17   Posted 29/09/2010 at 15:12:52

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I'd buy Barcelona en bloc and the whole redshite team and play the redshites as our third team.
I'd also put a bid in for Rooney and employ him as a can lad.
Dave Lynch
18   Posted 29/09/2010 at 15:16:04

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Kevin @11.
Riquelme has been spotted at Speke airport.

Now where have i heard that before ?
Anthony Hughes
19   Posted 29/09/2010 at 15:55:52

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Riquelme in at centre half to free Distin to go up front as the big target man.....well you never know with Moysie!!
Gerry Quinn
20   Posted 29/09/2010 at 16:12:22

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I would blow the money on:

1.A course for Jags on short passing and a colour chart for him to see what colour closely resembles royal blue

2.A pair of boots with velcro on the outside for Distin who looks totally uncomfortable and controls/moves with the ball like he has 8 left feet

3.A Rosetta Stone CD in Italian/Cockney for Pienaar

4.A suit of armour for Osman, with those "baby wheel outriders" to stop him falling over- or "losing his balance" when tackled by fairy-type opposition midfielders

5. A communications system in the dug-out for all us frustrated bastards abroad/in UK to let Moysie know WHEN and WHO to substitute

6.A match forum page on TW that doesn't have a freakin grinning manager on it

7. A page in TW with a picture of a RS dog on it that you can kick when you get frustrated - and you can see how many kicks it is taking as the match progresses - like a possession % line

Gerry Quinn
21   Posted 29/09/2010 at 16:28:10

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Oh, and more articles like this to lift the doom and gloom
Gerry Quinn
22   Posted 29/09/2010 at 16:29:56

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Nick @ 14 - much like Fergie then?
David Price
23   Posted 29/09/2010 at 16:37:41

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In goal, David Lawson, who can forget his "chip me if you dare" advance to McDermott in the '77 semi, then realised he was a 5ft 6inch keeper, doh!

RB Mike Bernard, can still the round looking man panting as Peter Barnes skinned him at Maine Rd in a 3-0 thrashing in '76.

LB John Mclaughlin, OG specialist in Derbies,

CB Mick Lyons, still scored the longest OG i've ever seen, a 25 yrd passback at Anfield into the top corner. Thankfully Kidd and King got us a 2-2 draw.

CB Roger Kenyon, "we'll murder 'em at Goodison" war cry before the '75 home 1-2 defeat to lower league Fulham in the 6th rd.

RW Trevor Ross, "don't miss a pen under Kendall" or you're never seen again after we lose 2-1 at West Ham in RD3 .

CM Geoff Nulty, best tackle Jimmy Case ever made.

CM Paul Gasgoine, awesome against ,er Leyton Orient in Rd 3.

LW Bill Kenny and his shoot on sight policy causing the Street End to duck for cover.

CF Jim Pearson, picked above Duncan McKenzie by an idiot manager

CF Stuart Barlow, great sprinter, crap footballer.

Sorry it's a bit off track Steve, but i'm prone to stay loyal a bit longer to the current lot when I think of some of the players to wear the shirt.

Weird how I can't remember being bottom of the league with those guys around though. Good idea for an article, we needed a change in tact for a while.

Dennis Stevens
24   Posted 29/09/2010 at 16:53:51

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I'd redevelop Goodison Park &, like James Cadwaladr, I'd get Mourinho, or another top coach, to replace Moyes.
Eugene Ruane
25   Posted 29/09/2010 at 17:05:43

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Rooney, Tevez, Messi, Fabregas, Malouda, Ronaldo, Muller, Forlan, Villa, Hibbert, Cech.

I'd play 9-1-1.

The constant waves of attacking would mean never ever having to defend.

It'd be like watching the 85 side again, only with horrible, greedy, petulant shit-bags.

(which might not seem right but it hasn't worried City or Chelsea supporters)
Craig Taylor
26   Posted 29/09/2010 at 17:27:55

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If we had a stack of money i wouldn't buy some of the ageing stars mentioned above.

For me bring Rooney home, he needs a fresh start. Adam Johnson, Ronaldo.
Ian Tod
27   Posted 29/09/2010 at 17:43:05

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I'd sign Edin Dzeko £17m , Donovan £10m and Hangeland £8m, that would make our team top class and i was going along the realms of possibility if we get investment with those players.
Richard Reeves
28   Posted 29/09/2010 at 17:44:39

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I would redevelop the interior of the main stand e.g. changing rooms and so on. I would then convert the Gwladys Street end, Bullens Road stand and the Park End to something similar to what Newcastle's new stand looks like with the same kind of steepness but it would run from the corner of the Gwladys right round to the corner of the Park end. I would install Mourinho and would make sure Kenwright or any of his cronies are not on the board and don't even have any shares.
Ian Bennett
29   Posted 29/09/2010 at 17:53:21

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Let's sort the coach out first ? we would unlikely get Ferguson or Wenger, so we would want an up-and-coming manager who has been around the fringes and is looking for the cash and club to take him to the next level... let's see: O'Neill, Big Sam, Uncle Roy, Mark Hughes... how about... David Moyes? ? Yes, ticks most of the boxes over the rest.

Okay - in goal if it's fantasy I say Sly Stallone: supported Everton all his life and is genuinely world class.
Nick Entwistle
30   Posted 29/09/2010 at 17:46:20

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I would buy UEFA and turn the CL back to EC, bring back UEFA and CWC, then buy the FA and knock down Wembley and replace it with the old one, put all matches on 3pm Saturday with one on Sunday and Wednesday evenings. And in between time redevelope Goodison into a wrap around of the main stand and hire a seamstress to place a v-neck into the current home strip.
Jon Cox
31   Posted 29/09/2010 at 18:01:55

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Gerry, I'm trying to find my "Pacemaker" before it's to late....

Keep 'em comming mate and Stan Boardman's got a problem.
John Daley
32   Posted 29/09/2010 at 18:09:36

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Well, if we're talking pure fantasy football...

Manuel Almunia, Titus Bramble, Rory Delap, Shola Ameobi, Mido.

No, wait on...

Romelu Lukaku, Edin Dzeko, Connor Wickham, Thomas Mueller, Phillipe Coutinho, Momadou Sakho.

Then again, with a multi-billionaire at the helm, Moyes could always fund the research of a mad
geneticist whose ultimate goal would be to create 10 clones of Leon Osman. Imagine the ecstasy of eleven Leon Osmans starting every league game with original Leon captaining the side from his customary right wing berth. Opposition teams would regularly be getting ripped a new arsehole as Everton roar relentlessly towards the Champions League.
Gerry Quinn
33   Posted 29/09/2010 at 18:33:24

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Dennis # 24, good idea to redevelop Goodison - also let's put a really, really low roof on it and watch Jags get totally confused!
Gerry Quinn
34   Posted 29/09/2010 at 18:36:45

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Nick # 29 - brilliant - love it ............and dye the away shirts and socks YELLOW-ish....and yeah, get rid of the names on the back of the shirt as they haven't helped any of our defenders find our midfield players any better!
Jon Cox
35   Posted 29/09/2010 at 18:53:00

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The muti billionaire would transform Goodison Park into the UK branch of SETI. Once making contact, Der Management would have a trial day but only for aliens that had almond-shaped eyes. They would have to have the skill of keeping the ball attached to their foot magnetically and be able to play right mid attack and, do the hundred meters in 1.23 seconds.

With that, we'll take over the world. Or to put it another way the world would be our lobster.
David Price
36   Posted 29/09/2010 at 19:42:13

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Michael, talking of fantasy football, IF them lot go into administration on Oct 6th, IF we then beat them in the next game and IF we then go above them, will you allow an article solely devoted to taking the piss out of them as a one off tribute to fantasy football !!
Jeremy Benson
37   Posted 29/09/2010 at 20:25:31

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Me, I'd use the money to change Steve Round...
Chris Hannon
38   Posted 29/09/2010 at 20:10:12

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Talking fantasy football, I would sign Mata from Valencia, Hangeland, Alves from Barca, Cardozo from Benfica, Darren Bent and one huge signing in the Rooney-Tevez mould! And maybe Hugo lloris in goal! As back up Marlon King Alexandersson Linderoth and Rodrigo
Dennis Stevens
39   Posted 29/09/2010 at 21:11:18

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No need for the low roof, Gerry - just raise the pitch up on hydraulics!
Dave Smith
40   Posted 29/09/2010 at 21:34:57

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I would hire a Voodoo priest to get rid of the curse we have had ever since 1988...
Tom Bowers
41   Posted 29/09/2010 at 22:34:22

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Steve you have certainly lifted the gloom somewhat judging by the tongue in cheek comments here.Well done. Let's hope this is the last time you have to do it and that our future results give us all cause for joy starting with the next game.I think one convincing win could be the turning point.
Jonathan Stockdale
42   Posted 29/09/2010 at 22:44:31

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All Phillip Green's wealth (and reason he doesn't pay tax) is because it's all in his wife's name who lives offshore on the Wirral somewhere.

Now wouldn't it be really funny if she fell for a silver fox charmer (someone like Reidy) and buggered off with all his money. Then Greeny boy gets what he wants - all his money into Everton in someone else's name. So come on Peter, take one for the bhoys and go and charm the frilly frock off his missus and bring home the bacon.
Jarrod Prosser
43   Posted 29/09/2010 at 23:12:46

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The teams that are successful with 4-5-1 play with two forwards in the wide roles, rather than midfielders as we do, so as to make it a 4-3-3 when they have the ball. Having said that, i'd keep Pienaar where he is. Loved the suggestion of Mueller for the other side of an attacking 3 - plus he can play cetrally....allowing Donovan into the XI. Dzeko would be a ripper.

I'd love Lahm as a RB/cover for LB but he wouldn't leave Bayern. Why not get Lescott back as LB cover (ha!)? Bring in Hangeland or Bassong as a 3rd CB with Jags/Heitinga. Perhaps a Mexes?

GK - somebody consistant would be nice. Fuck it - lets spend 50 mil on Joe Hart.
Erik Dols
44   Posted 29/09/2010 at 23:22:38

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I'd spend it all on Chang Beer - that'll prove more lasting value than anything else in football. Maybe some pies as well.
Michael Kenrick
45   Posted 30/09/2010 at 05:53:54

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Yes Dave (#36), if those three things happened, I think there were would be much exuberant celebration, well worthy of a thread or three. Keeping a lid on it until then will not be easy...
Alan Clarke
46   Posted 30/09/2010 at 10:30:57

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If we had a billionaire owner, I wouldn't keep one single player from this team. They have all shown they are not good enough to win anything.
Guy Hastings
47   Posted 30/09/2010 at 13:36:37

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Alf Tupper, Roy Race, Billy the Fish, the Amazing Wilson and Andy Capp as fitness coach.
Guy Hastings
48   Posted 30/09/2010 at 13:42:14

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...and Dave Storry's Ulrika as Toffee Lady.
Gavin Ramejkis
49   Posted 30/09/2010 at 19:15:19

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Philip Lahm, left back
Mesut Ozil, attacking midfielder and new set piece man
David Villa, new striker and that WOULD piss the RS off
Ribery, new right winger
David Price
50   Posted 30/09/2010 at 20:55:28

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Erik #44, it was Fosters in the main stand v Newcastle, instead of Chang , the only decent substitution that made sense that day. Anything to do with you mate?

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