Remember the Name!

Well, it’s been ten years since ol’ Potato-head lit up the European Championships in Portugal. With metatarsals all the rage back then. Not since the yellow card of Paul Gascoigne did a player’s exclusion alone signal such despair for the Engerland fan.

Shrek today was named England captain, something ‘beyond his wildest dreams’.

Yet he is not Messi, he is not Ronaldo. He should have been. He is not a Robben or an Ibrahimovic, or many more. He’s just what he’s been for ten years – the second or third best player at Manchester Utd. A machine, that from a block of pure genius moulded something better than… Nanni.

The difference between the boy and the man is that he has not since lifted an England side above their collective ability. He and his golden generation cohorts were failures. Apparently wearing the three lions with pride, yet all the more eager to wear the metaphorical bicycle clip.

There are many players who don’t live up to their potential, but they tend to disappear and become subject to the whatever-happened-to pieces that fill fanzines and pub conversations. What they don’t do is hang around in the full glare of publicity for ten years with headlines touting his world-class ability that on the pitch was only a sorry echo of his teenage years.

Apart of course from the headlines of alleged adultery, granny shagging and contract rebellion, and without any sense of irony questioning the loyalty of England fans who travelled to the World Cup, after another sorry-assed performance. I can’t recall if at this point his ass hair had migrated to top of his head.

Though at a prime age in football terms, the fat boy isn’t going to get better, isn’t going to elevate an England team, isn’t going to be that much more of anything. He’s just one big fat reminder that no matter what money you earn, how many caps or trophies won at Man Utd, the saddest thing in sport is unrealised potential.

Forget Billy Kenny as the biggest waste of Everton talent, this man beats him hands down. Ditching his agent at Everton all those years ago was just the start of a career no one wanted or expected from him - that on occasion he could be quite good. An England captain’s role is so important off the pitch today that the on pitch requirements barely matter. Profile is all-important and his brand is his biggest asset. So I guess you really can polish a turd.