Our Spongers XI

by   |   22/07/2020   Comments  [Jump to last]

I've watched us this season, as ever, with increasing disappointment. We are rarely lifted out of our seat by creativity because more often it's anger/frustration that causes such a reaction.

And then, as fans down the years have done, comes the finger-pointing at players who visibly seem to not even try to win a match for us.

I therefore reflect on the huge number of uncommitted spongers we've fielded since the start of the Premier League.

Alex Nyarko is skipper, obviously.

In goal I have Stekelenburg. Okay, he's nearing the end of a moderate career but, ever since he got here, he's never impressed me as a trier.

Right-back is Marc Hottiger and left-back is Alessandro Pistone, perpetually injured until his contract was nearing its end whereupon he looked useful.

Centre backs; Slaven Bilic, who was brilliant for Croatia but rarely fit for us, he said, has to be partnered with Per Kroldrup, a player who achieved modest credibility as a top-league player either side of us signing him, where he was useless. (A centre-back not knowing how to head a ball, we were told, as if!)

In midfield, we have our skipper Nyarko, accompanied by Claus Thomsen for starters. On the wings, I'd have Shandy van der Meyde and Aiden McGeady.

Up front, given their proven abilities before signing for us and their abject failure to measure up for us as and when they didn't claim to be relentlessly injured or deservedly suspended, I have James Beattie and Duncan Ferguson.

Beattie because he seemed on arrival in an already dwindling career to realise that this was his last big contract, so why give a fuck?

And Ferguson because, when he rarely felt like it, he would terrorize any defence, provided he hadn't previously identified something in his personal life that meant more to him than putting a full shift in for us. Whereupon, he engineered a (regular) red card or reported a difficult-to-verify injury (he did this throughout his entire bog-standard career, except for his very rare brilliant matches, almost always against top opposition mind you, if anyone wants to check, hence my disdain of him as a man).

Admittedly choosing a manager for this shower would be difficult had we not had Walker, Smith, Martinez, Koeman, Allardyce and Silva to choose from.

Pick one from six, folks!

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