Following injury to keeper Heurelho Gomes Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has publicly declared his interest in every player in the world during a marathon 27 hour press conference on Monday night that left four journalists in critical condition and two dead.

Redknapp, former manager of bankrupt Portsmouth, who literally don?t have two brass pennies to rub together, stated that:-

?Our squad is looking a little thin, we?re down to the bare bones ? especially in Midfield. I keep saying to the Chairman that if we want to compete with the big boys we?re going have to get the facking cheque book out. Are there players out there who catch my eye? Course there are you nonce! My squad is thinner than Kate Moss after crash landing in the desert. Like a bleedin? twiglet!?

The Tottenham supremo then outlined ambitious plans to reinforce his defence, midfield, forward line, back room staff and to purchase an industrial strength bench the size of the Titanic which would stretch half of the White Hart Lane pitch.

?We?re quite interested in Klass Jans Huntlear, Ashley Young, Wesley Snejider, David James, Rafael Van Der Varrt, Patrick Vieira, Cristiano Ronaldo, John Terry, Carlos Tevez, Kaka, Ryan Shawcross, Nani, Gilberto ? not the waster we ?ave ? the ather one, that Benzema geezer, anyone who West Ham want, Victor Valdes, anyone in the Championship who is good on Football Manager, Clint Dempsey?..?

?It got dull pretty quickly,? stated David Hampton, writer for the Observer, ?at first we all chuckled but after 16 minutes we realised he was deadly serious. There was a dead look behind his eyes. He just kept reading out names one after the other in a consistent, monotonous voice, like a horrid, lopsided metronome foretelling our doom, only stopping to catch his breath and to say ?but obviously this is between us lads? and then surreptitiously winking at us, although he might not have been winking, it?s hard to tell sometimes?.?

Things went from bad to worse for the beleaguered journalists, as Redknapp showed no signs of stopping, continuing to name every player in the Premiership, La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga and all four Swedish divisions.

?Something seemed to go wrong in the fifth hour,? explained acclaimed sports correspondent Matty Lister, representing the Daily Mail, ?suddenly he started dropping Ashley Young?s name in after every third player or so, as if he was hypnotising us to believe he?d leave Aston Villa for them, it was too much for two guys from the Evening Standard, they fell to the floor and started shaking, they later died of a brain hemorrhage?..?

It was then that the news hounds realised they had to act, texting, emailing, skype-ing and tweet-ing desperately for help as more of their number perished in this senseless act of excess.

It was only after police officers attempted to talk Redknapp down that things got worse. As trained negotiators failed to convince Redknapp that Ashley Young wouldn?t leave Villa for a team that finished lower than them.

?He just kept saying Ashley Young over and over and over again,? said Detective Inspector Roberts of the Flying Squad, ?eventually he stopped but then said he wanted Everton?s Mikel Arteta and Glen Johnson. We knew at this point he would not be reasoned with so we responded with rubber bullets, which unfortunately bounced off his rubber face, so we used stun guns on him instead?? ?

?It smelt of burning plastic.? Said David Hampton.

Copyright 2009 Crab Football.

I'd take Moyes any given Saturday ahead of that guy.

As a result of the opinions I formed about him as a "manager" at Bournemouth in the late 80s / early 90s, I have followed his career with interest ever since. In fact, the guys in work may be well sick of my opinion by now but I think the penny has dropped with them and I have a bit of credence as a result ? at last. One look at the players Bournemouth sold in that period can only lead to one conclusion given subsequent events at Dean Park.

A few earlier postings on this thread have been on the money with this. Other clubs have subsequently experienced the same issues ? post his departure, of course.

Meanwhile, down in sunny Sandbanks, at the 3rd highest real estate property area in the world, all is well my friends, all is well.

Oh, and just as a final thought, where did Tottenham manage to get £35m for that Athletico Madrid bid from? Trust me, Mike Walker is the better option ? even now!

One thing's for sure: give him 9 years and he'll have more than a 4th place to crow about.

In particular the way he stole Kyle Naughton from us a couple of seasons ago. Has everyone forgotten about that? Moyes tracked Naughton for a long time, did his homework, put the effort into going and seeing him play and then made a move. The club (Sheff Utd) and the player agreed a deal, Naughton even came to Finch Farm and had a medical only for Redknapp to then shit all over Moyes and Everton because he had a bigger cheque book. Unforgivable. I doubt there would have been any other managers who would hijack a deal like Redknapp did with Kyle Naughton.

Funny how Naughton has now just disappeared into obscurity once more. Redknapp never had his best intentions at heart. I'd never trust that bloke again.