Our Future Is Alternative

Robert Bresnan 18/08/2020 26comments  |  Jump to last
We all know what awaits this coming season: Crippling mediocrity, four fun victories that cruelly raise our hopes, and a bad defeat to the gobshites. We’ll also draw with them at Goodison after VAR rules out a Van Dijk own goal because Klopp’s mistress found it upsetting.

It is of course the hope that kills you, so let me sink the knife in real deep and posit an alternative future in which things are rather rosy by the end of next season. Think of it like a Robert Harris or Philip K Dick alternative history novel, but in reverse… and happy.

Also, I’ll be honest and say that initially I was going to put us at 8th or 9th for next season, but then I thought, nay, this is literature. Let’s aim for the stars - 6th in the league and proud winners of the FA Cup. (I know, I know...)

So here goes… Season 2020-21


Pickford matures a lot and gurns much less. He does quite well for us and almost gets called up for Euro 2021 (surely they can’t continue to call it Euro 2020?).


The rosiest of the lot. Mason continues to prosper and does get the England call-up. Between them, Keane and Mina do a capable job alternating as his partner. The young ‘uns, Branthwaite and Gibson, are very promising when called upon.

On the flanks, Digne continues to Digne and Coleman or Kenny are decent. No more, no less.


That gaping cesspit of despair. But verily, what is this? Is it the sun banishing clouds?

Gbamin makes a full recovery and turns out to be very good. Like Gueye, but with a bit more creativity on the ball. Oh, and a bit of a nasty tackler too. Shame about Andy Robertson’s cruciate...

Delph consults a sports psychologist who tells him to cop the eff on, and if all else fails simply pretend that he still plays for Man City. He follows that advice. Also, he only misses 16 games of the season to injury.

Gomes recovers full fitness and shielded by Gbamin and Delph rediscovers a sense of joy and those Iberian twinkle toes of his.

On the wing, Gordon impresses. In three years we’ll complain that the only reason he doesn’t play for England is because he plays for Everton.

Tom Davies, cosseted by a weird sense of competence at Finch Farm, swings his pendulum back to enterprising tyro. He makes 22 appearances, many as sub, and at end of the season Alan Shearer does some boring analysis on MotD and surmises that he’s a very underrated player.

The one midfielder we buy for £27m (they all cost £27m now) minutes before the deadline turns out to be passionate, professional, committed and just very good. Strange. Let’s just say it’s Allan. I don’t know, I’ve never seen him play. Or some bloke from Sevilla. Doesn’t matter.

Gylfi Sigurdsson and Alex Iwobi discover a mutual love for cooking and start a catering company. Brands gives them the Finch Farm canteen contract which coincidentally equals their annual salaries… A few weeks later Bernard joins their team as head waiter*. No more FFP worries.


Richarlison continues to go from strength to strength. Barcelona bid e300m, but he says no, maybe in two years. And then only if Koeman apologises for having been a shit to us.

Calvert-Lewin – PLOT TWIST. We sell him for £35m to Newcastle and invest half the money in some 29-year-old striker from Norway who’s half decent. To be honest, I don’t really care because…

Moise Kean: The boy comes good. The instinct and fire that many (though not all of us) have recognised in glimpses comes to the fore and he decides to stop giving a fuck, but in the best possible sense. He scores 22 in the league, seven in cups, including the winner against plucky underdogs Brentford in the FA Cup final.

He rubbishes rumours of a big move to Madrid, saying he needs to get 30 the next season.


Let’s inject some realism into this. Our push for fourth place is hampered by injuries big and small to the following players - Ramirez, Tosun, Besic, Bolasie,

So, that’s it lads. Three minutes of wishful thinking to allay the ever-present doom and gloom... You’re welcome…

Of course, it’s nonsense but I do think there’s a grain of truth in there in that if we land one decent midfield purchase and one or two of our existing midfield underachievers get a grip on themselves and start playing, that it might turn the entire mood and we might at least do a lot better than this season.

*Apologies to Bernard. I really like him, but he’s in the wrong league isn’t he?


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Reader Comments (26)

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Mark Andersson
1 Posted 19/08/2020 at 09:00:06
That was almost funny...

Another alternative is we get relegated and every blue is happy that we will never have a derby defeat, not even in the cup.

Rooney becomes manager, we bounce back up and see the red shite demise as they spiral into the abyss back to hell.

All the redshite tv pundits get sacked and are replaced by knowledgeable ToffeeWebbers, with insight humor and of course the polar opposite opinion of any ex-pro.

Dave Abrahams
2 Posted 19/08/2020 at 09:35:02
Robert (OP),

I enjoyed that; nice and easy to read.

“Dream a little dream with me” – There's a nice song to go with it.

Tony McNulty
3 Posted 19/08/2020 at 09:48:13

I suppose it was around the midfield area that the effects of the herbal jazz cigarettes began to kick in.

Clive Rogers
4 Posted 19/08/2020 at 09:55:20
If Bernard is head waiter, they'll have to saw 6” off all the table legs.
Colin Metcalfe
5 Posted 19/08/2020 at 10:03:17
I think your prediction of 8th or 9th is very generous with this current squad, I have said it before: without serious recruitment this summer – especially in midfield – we are destined for the Championship.

No ifs or buts – we are going down!

Brian Harrison
6 Posted 19/08/2020 at 10:11:07

I hope all your predictions are correct. After the last couple of years, we need to try and be positive. I think the first 10 games are always crucial, get off to a poor start and the struggle lasts all season, but get off to a good start and anythings possible.

Mark Andersson
7 Posted 19/08/2020 at 11:27:01
Brian @6, I think you're spot-on. if we get off to a flyer, we all get our hopes, up and then you know what happens next...
Dick Fearon
8 Posted 19/08/2020 at 11:47:12
Robert, thank you for giving me something to smile about.

O' God, I needed it!

Derek Taylor
9 Posted 19/08/2020 at 11:54:31
Enjoyed it and may well prove not far off the mark although I can't see what Rob's optimism over Moise Kean is based on. Hope, perhaps?

Rather like the engagement of Big Sam, I suggest Ancelloti is here to guarantee Everton takes a Premier League team into Bramley-Moore Dock Stadium. He'll do that easily I feel, although it will inevitably be from a new norm of 8th. Progress, they will call it!

Andrew Dempsey
10 Posted 19/08/2020 at 12:01:30
Great stuff.

It's is bad though, that a vision of a pretty good season for Everton can only be framed as an almost satirical, humourist-style piece of writing.

The idea that things might go well and work out, can only be expressed in semi-fantasy, with a chillingly dark reveal at the end that it's just Marcel Brands playing Football Manager in his office, as the Black Mirror credits roll.

Ajay Gopal
11 Posted 19/08/2020 at 12:15:35
Ha.. ha... we don't even beat the RS in our dreams! How low can we get :-)
Dave Evans
12 Posted 19/08/2020 at 12:34:37
All the above can only happen when the black cat comes back in and buries a turd on the centre spot.
Mal van Schaick
13 Posted 19/08/2020 at 12:40:50
It would be nice to have a group of players who look to be enjoying their football and enjoy playing as a team and getting good results. Is that too much to ask?
Eric Myles
14 Posted 19/08/2020 at 12:49:20
Clive #4, good one, almost spit my Abbot Ale out!
Pat Kelly
15 Posted 19/08/2020 at 13:16:54
Excellent ! The only thing missing was the flying pigs.
Barry Rathbone
16 Posted 19/08/2020 at 13:25:20
"We all know what awaits this coming season: Crippling mediocrity, four fun victories that cruelly raise our hopes, and a bad defeat to the gobshites"

I would swap out "season" and replace with "decade"; otherwise, bang on.

Patrick McFarlane
17 Posted 19/08/2020 at 13:35:28
We'll have a roadmap to our season tomorrow morning when the fixtures are set to be released. Doubtless, we'll have the usual angst about playing our neighbours, the run of games which involve us playing top eight sides and a nightmare finish to set our nerves jangling.

As an aside, Wolves and Fulham have joined the race to sign Doucouré, so we can look forward to perm any two from Gomes, Sigurdsson, Davies, Delph. Ah well... back to the alternative reality.

Stephen Vincent
18 Posted 19/08/2020 at 14:40:18
Robert, that is way too far fetched. What really happens is:

Moshiri decides that he has had enough and puts the club up for sale. It is purchased by a syndicate of Amanda Holden, Matt Dawson ,and Dame Judy Dench.

Dame Judy is chairperson but admits she knows nothing about football and says that she started to support Everton when she fell in love with the cute little bibs on our lovely blue uniforms in the mid '80s.

She appoints Denise Barrett-Baxendale as manager and Victor Anichebe as coach because she saw him on the telly recently and she believes in equal opportunities.

These moves turn out to be inspired and we finish 4th and reach the FA Cup Final. Unfortunately, the RS who finished 5th complain to the Premier League that we haven't gone into administration. The Premier League of course agree and deduct 12 points meaning that we miss out on Champions League by a single point.

The night before the cup final, Blue Bill invites the squad to a revival of Blood Brothers (starring a Nolan) saying that the seats are all ring-fenced. Unfortunately they are not and the squad all have to go into isolation for two weeks.

Brentford win the cup by default.

Joe McMahon
19 Posted 19/08/2020 at 14:45:33
Robert, and I have a date with Dita Von Tease on Friday night!
Alan J Thompson
20 Posted 19/08/2020 at 16:16:19
Robert; Mason Holgate gets his England call-up and persuades an out-of-contract Harry Kane to join him at Everton.
Shaun Robinson
21 Posted 19/08/2020 at 16:36:51
See the fixtures are out tomorrow. What are the odds that the RS play us, Man Utd and Man City away when it's behind closed doors and play all the return fixtures when the Norwegian hoards are allowed in at their dump?
Simon Jones
22 Posted 19/08/2020 at 17:35:23
Favourite passage, a career writing comedy awaits.

"Delph consults a sports psychologist... pretends that he still plays for Man City... he only misses 16 games of the season to injury."

Robert Williams
23 Posted 19/08/2020 at 18:35:33
Sorry, Robert, but your article did not make me smile, it made me weep!

The situation Everton are currently in is not a joking matter, ask Moshiri! I bet he doesn't see the funny side of things – despite the fact that half your readers are pissing themselves laughing.

Sorry to be a wet squib but I see no light at the end of the Mersey Tunnel... either of them!

Sukhdev Sohal
24 Posted 19/08/2020 at 18:36:10
Bit of a crazy but entertaining story.
Stephen Vincent
25 Posted 19/08/2020 at 19:03:56
Robert #23, I thought the OP was a well thought out dystopian view of Everton today.

For centuries comedy has been used to highlight serious issues when considered debate has failed. The OP is no more ridiculous or offensive than people who come on here and demand that we sign players who are clearly way out of our league or make idle unsubstantiated comments about current players' abilities.

On the other hand, it could just be a good skit. Either way, I enjoyed it.

Richard Parker
26 Posted 20/08/2020 at 11:05:01
Dark humour not as dark as those across the park at least.

Honestly, I'd be happy with 2 real quality signings that improve the starting XI and incremental improvement, after the horrific signings of mass-mediocrity recently. Get rid of some dead-wood and repeat next summer.

I really don't want to see 6 or 7 signings again, knowing that probably only 1 of them will actually be any good.

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