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Fans Comment
Kevin  Sparke


I'm not a doctor ... but...
2 August 2005

Evertonian Delusional Disorder (or Miserablis Bluenosious)

This group of disorders is characterized by the development either of a single delusion or of a set of related delusions which are usually persistent and sometimes lifelong.

These delusions often manifest themselves after a defeat and whenever the patient comes onto contact with other sufferers on websites or in alehouses. The delusions are highly variable in content, but often include the mistaken belief that there is an endless amount of money available to the manager and that there are an army of wealthy individuals queuing up to invest in the club.

Often these delusions are persecutory, hypochondriacal, or grandiose, and they may be concerned with the conviction that everything and everyone is against us as a football club, and them as a much put upon 'diehard fan'. The sufferer cannot recognise talent and they seek to destroy progress with their unreasonable demands. At times they can be heard chanting mantras such as sack the manager sack the board sack the programme sellers some have even been known to want to sack themselves.

There is a speech affliction associated with this condition, similar to Tourettes syndrome, where the sufferers shout out the same list of names in unison such as O Neil Reid Gray Indeed they often repeat these names several months later with the suffix out

They all seem to have an overwhelming desire to destroy the very thing they profess to love by placing the club deeper in debt; and they have no concept of the value of money or any basic understanding of simple economic facts.

Take this case of several well known sufferers who seem to revel in their condition:

The Dithering Dave chanters

These delusional souls would actually have welcomed paying above the odds for several unproven and/or indifferent professional footballers, one of whom was rejected on medical grounds; one who wanted to dictate where he played and one who is just plain shit (Taylor).  Most of the others whom we just could not afford.

These suffers all have the memory-span of goldfish and have forgotten that the manager they would like to see sacked has won Manager of the Year two years out of three. He has taken the club into Europe for the first time since 1995 and has built this success by buying virtual unknowns (Cahill, Bent) and getting the very best from some journeymen players, who consistently performed miracles against teams with more than 8 times our financial turnover.

They also conveniently forget that the finances of the club, which were (pre-Moyes/Wyness/Kenwright) dire and spiralling out of control, are now bad, but manageable and not getting any worse This group of delusional characters have also edited out the financial damage that Agent Johnson inflicted upon the club.

They seem to exist in a parallel universe where Everton can compete in a buying market with the likes of Newcastle, Liverpool and Birmingham, and even Chelsea, Arsenal, and Man Utd.  In their universe, money has no relevance and lack of money should not interfere with their fantasies, nor stifle their obsessive but inaccurate belief that we are still a big five club.

Onset of this condition is commonly in early middle age but sometimes, particularly in the case of beliefs about having a misshapen tactical formation, in early adult life. (Even though those afflicted usually have the tactical nous and footballing experience of a troop of dyspraxic Brownies)

The content of these delusions, and the timing of its emergence, can often be related to the individual's life situation, e.g. persecutory delusions in lapsed season ticket holders; having a family member who is a kopite; or just being a plain stupid fecker; and this forms actions and attitudes directly related to the delusion or delusional system, affecting speech, and behaviour are normal symptoms.  Foaming at the mouth at the argument that fourth place in the Premier League represents a monumental feat, we could not have hoped to envisage 12 months ago, is a quite common reaction.

Some recent and groundbreaking research has suggested that this condition is merely a manifestation of being a general all round moaning twat, who cannot see the good in anything and who get an almost sexual arousal from decrying their lot in life.

Treatment.

The only known cure for such unfortunate individuals is a trophy win.

However, they usually resort to their pattern of deep depression even before they have left the stadium; moaning about the pies, or the fact that a 7-0 victory could have been 8-0 if that useless winger wouldnt have hit the bar and the joke of a manager, (who should have put an untried 16-year-old on with a dodgy leg to give him some valuable experience of being booed at by them and their ilk).

These people are best avoided and if you are unfortunate to have one sitting beside you at the game, please treat them with tolerance; as you can enjoy your football, both ups and downs they cannot... they never have and they never will.

Kevin Sparke
(Formally of Whiston, now Northumberland)


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