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Fans Comment
Rob Williamson

Just sign here
5 March 2006

Now that Robbie Keane has signed a new contract with Spurs and shown by his excellent brace on Saturday that he's staying put, we can finally stop the ridiculous fantasizing about him ever likely to sign for Everton.  However, it doesnt stop us imagining the likely conversation that might have taken place between him and David Moyes had we ever approached him

Moyes: Hello Robbie. Heres the contract, just sign there.

Keane: Hang on a bit Davey

Moyes: Thats Mr Moyes to you sonny

Keane: Sorry, Mr Moyes, but theres just a few questions Id like to ask first before I sign.

Moyes: OK Fire away if you must

Keane: Well first of all, how much are you offering me, as a weekly wage?

Moyes: We can go up to as much as 30k a week

Keane: But thats less than Im getting now and about 20 grand less than Spurs are offering me to re-sign!

Moyes: Yeah. Ysee the thing is, the board can raise the transfer fee because they can pay that on the never-never, but with salaries they have to pay them from Day One. And either they cant or wont do that. But moneys not important to you is it? ... remember we were in Europe this season.

Keane: Oh yeah. And how long was that for? One round in each competition. Thats about 2 weeks Ive spent longer in Europe on holiday!
And what about your style of play? What tactics do you prefer?

Moyes:' We've considered boring the opposition to death but generally I like to get it forward as soon as possible to a big man up front. We did have a centre-back who insisted on passing the bloody thing Kalledup or Kolddrip or something. Well, I soon got rid of him !

Keane: A big man up front? Where do you want me to play then?

Moyes: Well, I was thinking of left back. I know weve already got three on the books but I think you can never have too many. And, have you ever played in goal? Weve only got 5 at the moment

Keane; Mmm. Okay, well maybe Ill come back to that. What about the squad are you building for the future?

Moyes: Definitely son. I know that the cynics will point to the fact that the average age of the squad has actually gone up since I took over but you wait and see

Keane: So you do give youngsters a chance then Moyes: Aye I do. You just look at the number of young lads who Ive had sitting on the bench. Gerrard, Fox, Schumacher, Pascucci.

Keane: So theyve all been given a chance in the team?

Moyes: No I got rid of them. I think its really important to rotate the squad. And moving them on to the bench and then off again is as good a way of rotation as I can think of.

Keane: I see. And what about Rooney? Why did you get rid of him?

Moyes: Business and forward thinking son. The money raised allowed us to bring in and retain some more young and exciting talent to the club - like Davey Weir, Phil Neville, Sandro Pistone and Alan Stubbs. I think youll agree we got the best part of that deal.

Keane: I see. Anyway, Id like to get an overview of the whole club. Tell me about the ground. Its getting on a bit now isnt it? What developments have been made there over the past few years?

Moyes: Oh. Loads and loads. The gravel is now blue and have you seen the size of that marquee in the car park? Tremendous! The board really have dug deep for that

Keane: And the Academy and training facilities?

Moyes: First class. The portakabins are amongst the best youll find anywhere and Ive just heard that English Heritage have applied for a preservation order on Bellefield. But enough about what a great team and wonderful facilities youll soon be part of, before you sign Id just like to say something. It says in the paper that you are a forward who scores goals and has got great pace. Those words worry me as I dont understand any of them and its clearly something we need to sort out but never mind that, heres the biro.

Keane: Thanks Davey sorry, Mr Moyes, maybe Ill get back to you.

For Keane, substitute Emre, Parker, Bellamy, Forssell etc etc

Rob Williamson


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