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Cahills Return Goes From Strength To Cosmic Strength

By Ed Bottomley :  14/11/2007 :  Comments (13) :
Mystical types call it the Saturn Return ? and most football fans will call it utter tripe. It takes Saturn about 29 years to complete one full orbit of the Sun and return to the exact position it was in when you were born. And when Saturn returns, a cosmic food blender of positives and negatives falls upon your shoulders.

The aforementioned mystic types, therefore, reckon that between the ages of 27 and 30 some funky bizarre stuff happens to us.

The Saturn Return is most famously associated with musicians, and in particular The 27 Club, an unsettlingly large group of musicians who died at the age of 27. From mythic Delta-Bluesman Robert Johnson ? who was said to have sold his soul for his intricately brilliant guitar skills ? to the famous five of Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain.

I find it somewhat strange that this myth about the Saturn Return hasn't swung over to football. Certain players rise and fall like Icarus, and I've always thought that Dixie Dean's stellar 60 goals in one season, followed by the loss of both his legs late in life, points to some kind of shadowy Faustian pact. Personally I thought it was all a load of wacky 60s rhubarb ? until Tim Cahill returned for my Everton.

Cahill's return is now surely reaching its peak, with a sublime goal on Sunday against Chelsea. I have to admit that up until last weekend, my memories of Chelsea games have all merged into one giant hemorrhoidal pustule.

Wafer-thin charcoal biscuits masquerading as burgers, Chelsea fans popping up off their seats to laugh at a foreigner in the Toffees team ? smugly unaware of Chelsea's own phalanx of foreigners ? gippy little goals which come back to haunt me again and again like a persistent pop-up error message on a computer screen (Mutu's handball!).

I even witnessed what can only be described as an Everton roast ? no, not the Newcastle United kind ? where a 'Chelsea MC' scuttled onto the pitch before the game and ripped into Everton for five minutes, boozy guffaws echoing back at the comedian with the mic.

For us Evertonians, who have more history in our nose hair, watching Chelsea beat us over the past few seasons is like an aged Peter O'Toole jealously watching as Callum Best waltzes off with a bevy of beauties. Chelsea, on the other hand, don't do history; for them the past is only a distant cousin, marked by a few splutters of success amidst the tepid treading-water.

What you can judge from the above passage is that Chelsea lack class. They are the Michael Carroll of football teams, lottery louts who are suddenly in the money, with an utter lack of scruples but an ocean of roubles. Cahill's late equaliser was the perfect antidote to this mess, for a sweet second the Aussie was the same way up as his countrymen Down Under with an honest and brilliantly executed bicycle kick.

And this returns me to the Saturn Return; Cahill - though a strong player before his injury lay-off, has come back even better; he is 27 years of age ? perhaps his Saturn Return has brought him more focus and resolve? There are other examples, too; Ronaldinho, in all his distilled, buck-toothed glory, has also had his Saturn Return ?- and the first major slump in his career.

George Best, the Manchester United legend, who was too differently skilled for even the word 'unique' to adequately describe him, quit the Red Devils at 27. So next time you're watching your team, watch out for those 27-year-olds.

Reader Comments

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Zeya Aung
1   Posted 15/11/2007 at 08:41:14

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What are you talking about. LOL
Syd Morton
2   Posted 15/11/2007 at 09:03:31

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As my old mate Pat Mustard used to say - never let the truth get in the way of blinding optimism.

On his milk round Pat used to make deliveries to a gypsy woman at number 43. When times were tough in the fortune telling game she often gave him a freebie for a couple of pints of semi-skimmed. She often spoke about the alignment of Saturn, Mars and the Gwladys Street end combining to pull the ball into the net. Scientists talk about gravity but Pat never let science interefere with a good story.

I hate these international breaks.
Mark Stone
3   Posted 15/11/2007 at 09:13:08

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I’ll be 27 in Jan - fingers crossed eh?
Duncan McDine
4   Posted 15/11/2007 at 09:34:05

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That’s a cracking read... sounds like you’re completely nuts, but a fantastic read anyway! Thanks for the enjoyment ;-)


ps - Thinking back... my first ever serious football injury happened last November (only a few days after my 27th birthday) when I had to take 4 months out with torn ankle ligaments. Scary eh? Thank God I made it to 28!!!
Ben Howard
5   Posted 15/11/2007 at 10:33:50

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Nice one Ed!
I’m 30 now so have I peaked already?
Simon Jones
6   Posted 15/11/2007 at 11:11:01

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What happens when you are 54 and Saturn returns again, do you make adverts for Carlsberg pub teams?
Dan Rivers
7   Posted 15/11/2007 at 12:56:41

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Haha! Brilliant article!
Chris Masey
8   Posted 15/11/2007 at 13:22:41

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He’s 28 soon, stop cursing him. And why do you need to violate the dictionairy so only a handful of Einsteins can understand the article. I get your point, but why did it have to be such hard work??
Paul Mousley
9   Posted 15/11/2007 at 13:36:23

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His form has been fantastic since his return...and may have something to do with an enforced break.....or it could do with the fact that he is 27 !?
Keith Glazzard
10   Posted 15/11/2007 at 19:49:22

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I remember 27 - I think.

But I get worried about 27 minutes into a game. I reackon if we haven’t conceded that goal at the half-hour we stand a good chance of going on to get a result.

I do know that footie is a bit more complex than this, but that’s my superstition.

I also have worries about referees, but that would be totally irrational wouldn’t it?

By the way, Big Tim’s goal of the season could have been ruled out for dangerous play. Pity Clattenberg wasn’t there - he could have made that historic judgement.
Laurie Hartley
11   Posted 16/11/2007 at 09:51:07

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Ed - this is really weird - the numbers 2 & 7 both appear in my anti spam code for this board; as a matter of fact the number 7 appears in it 2 times. On further observation I noticed that 7+2 =9. This number also appears 2 times. Going one step further 7-2=5. Yes you guessed it - the number 5 also appears in my anti spam code. AND to cap it all 5-2 = 3 which is the square root of 9!

Having said all that - I have got two questions for you Ed -
1. Can you hack on to this board and pretend to be me?
2. What is a phalanx?

What I really like about Tim Cahill is he is a great ambassador for Everton and his country.

Good times are coming soon. Come on the Bluuues!

robert carney
12   Posted 16/11/2007 at 21:03:15

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biggest load os shit I have ever read.
This comes from somebody who has to read what he has wrritten the next day. My excuse is wine or beer. What are you on?
Bryan Mulrooney
13   Posted 17/11/2007 at 22:49:58

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I’m not on beer, spirits, wine gums, illegal smokin’ stuff, I believe in livin’ dangerously !
The thing is, i’ve been through the Saturn thingis twice, an’ i’m halfway through the third.
When did you say funny things started? I’m fed up waitin’ Bryblue

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