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Transfer deadline day as it happened....

By Roger Trenwith :  02/02/2011 :  Comments (8) :

A bit of levity... An extrapolation of a mate?s and my blog

0901: Spanish sulk Fernando Torres is the subject of a £3 billion bid from Chelsea plus French sulk Nicolas Anelka, and a majority share in a Russian hanky factory in exchange.

1007: Kenny Dalglish is thinking of spending £1 billion of the Russian money on Andy Carroll from Newcastle, but questions the lad's tonsorial misdemeanours. "I cannae be doing wi' this pony tail. Wass wrong wi' a wee perm?" quoth he. The player will actually only cost his true worth, about £8, the rest of the fee is for retaining the services of a top team of lawyers and to pay for advance damage insurance on every nightclub and bar in Liverpool.

1012: David Moyes has sent someone to the corner shop for a packet of Rich Tea biscuits. "Make sure you give me the change" was his witty parting remark, before calling Bill Kenwright.

DM Morning Boss. We need a new kettle in the office, can you sub me £50?

BK Davey boy, top o? the morning to you. £50? That?s a bit steep.

DM Come on Boss, last time you gave me any money was when the trophy cabinet fell off the wall through underuse.

BK Davey luv, you know I?m on the hunt for petty cash 24/7 like I?ve always said. You do believe me don?t you? I mean there?s got to be sixty five thousand reasons a week why I?m always right, has there not, darling?

DM Of course boss, of course?

1046: Fernando Torres is spotted at a road junction in Sefton sat behind the wheel of his Aston Martin DBS sobbing his eyes out, wet hankies all over place. Our new man on Merseyside, Dicky Keys, says "This outburst may indicate that Torres is ruing his transfer request but it's difficult to tell as this is not unusual behaviour for the gelled gaylord jessie." Keys has since been sacked.

1123: David Moyes stuns the football world by offering Andy Gray £41.56 to come out of retirement and solve The Toffees striker crisis and at a price that they can afford, Cyril Lord. On the credit card anyway. Asked to comment Gray asked our girl Sophie Tightly "What's the totty like up there now darlin'? It weren't half fit in my day. That secretary lass, boy she had some great tits on her I can tell ye. 'Ere luv, tuck this in for me will ye?" On hearing of these ill-advised remarks, Moyes said he was no longer interested as his stiff moral-fibre packed backbone would not be able to take the strain. "We need a new kettle anyway" he said.

1124: Everton chairman Bill Kenwright has told manager David Moyes that if he wants a new kettle he needs to sell someone or loan someone out to cut the wage bill. Moyes, who has a pathological fear of strikers is believed to be considering offers for Louis Saha, Jermaine Beckford and Victor Anichebebebebe and quite fancies http://www.amazon.co.uk/Martin-Executive-Collection-Cordless-Kettle/dp/B001C4E0AO/ref=tag_tdp_sv_edpp_i however, the company appear to be out of stock of this product and are unlikely to get any new ones until after the transfer window.

1515: David Moyes gets on the blower to Bill Kenwright:

DM Boss, we need to do some thing NOW to stop those moaners at Toffeeweb from constantly getting on my case, and your ?Richard Dodds? alias was rumbled ages ago. Marouane and that French lad I bought whose name I can?t remember at the moment, in fact, I couldn?t even tell you what he looks like?.hold on? my secretary tells me he?s called Magaye Serigne Falilou Dit Nelson Gueye. You can?t expect me to remember that now, can you?

BK Davy boy, get on with it, I?ve a show to put on, and call me Blue Bill, not Boss

DM Sorry Bo? Blue Bill. Anyways Marouane tells me they were both on their way back home from an evening?s country dancing when they called into Stelios?s Kebab Shop for a bite to eat. Stelios starts telling them about his nephew back home who plays for some village team, reckons he can bang a few goals in.

BK Davey la, how much do they want?

DM Their clubhouse needs a new roof

BK Leave it with me Davy luv.

1604: From the BBC - Everton are possibly almost rumoured and thought to be near to tentatively buying or maybe loaning world famous 19-year-old striker Apostolos Demis Roussos Vellios from Iraklis today. The Greek club confirmed on their website late last week that they had reached agreement with Everton and Moyes enigmatically added: "We are hoping we can bring in a young player from Greece." A football player one hopes - you couldn't make it up!

1612: When asked why nothing, zero, zilch, nada seems to happening with Arsenal transfer wise, M. Arsene Wenger said "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." Touchy!

1625: In a lull in the exciting roller coaster that is deadline day, Opta have released statistics comparing the two stupidly priced strikers currently hogging the headlines. Fernando Torres can hit a cow's arse 23.86% of the time with a banjo, 2.36% of the time with an autoharp, and never with a zither. Andy Carroll is officially 100% a lummox and will provide much needed comedy value at Anfield. His scoring stats are 12.48% with beer, 7.89% with an out and out threat, 3.25% by way of luck, and an incredible 0.056% by sheer charm.

1703: The phone rings on Davey?s desk: Phil Neville - Boss, some scallies have just made off with half the roof tiles off Finch Farm. The lads are complaining about rain getting in and ruining their D&G threads.

DM Did anyone get a look at them Pip?

PN You know we ain?t got no-one fast enough Boss. Luckily one of them fell over Johnny?s outstretched boot, which oddly enough pinned their throat to the ground. When he could speak again I asked him who his firm was. He croaked something about the tiles being needed in Grease. Makes no sense to me boss. Why does our chairmen want our roof tiles for his West End Show??..

Reader Comments

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Chris Keightley
1   Posted 02/02/2011 at 17:00:56

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Top draw stuff ... and exactly how it panned out felt like I was there!!
Tony Cheek
2   Posted 02/02/2011 at 17:40:30

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Brill Roger....good laugh...should have a regular column here!!
Andrew Steen
3   Posted 02/02/2011 at 18:19:56

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Just what was needed. Good stuff.
Joe McMahon
4   Posted 02/02/2011 at 19:45:17

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I was waiting for the last minute arrival of Vagner Love.
Guy Hastings
5   Posted 02/02/2011 at 20:17:45

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Meanwhile Luís Antônio 'Call me Muller' Corréa da Costa was in the back of a cab trundling down Scotland Road, his eye on the meter. 'This is the way to Speke Airport, yes?' he said to the driver. 'I'm sure we've been down this road before. Mr Walker said it was only a short drive.'
Craig Taylor
6   Posted 02/02/2011 at 21:57:21

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Am I A £35M Striker?

I scored 24 goals helping my side win promotion back to the Premier League aged just 22.

In my first season in the top flight I had 15 goals by the end of January. Including a goal against the reigning champions, away at Arsenal, and in a home win vs Liverpool.

My form earned me an England call-up and debut in a friendly....

Am a I £35m striker?

No ? I am Michael Ricketts, February 2002.

Roger Trenwith
7   Posted 02/02/2011 at 22:28:18

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In a late development, it was revealed that Andy Carroll's ponytail will be staying at St James Park, where it will play at right back. There are rumours it may be exchanged for a bag of Dicky Keys' back hair in the summer.
Thank you and goodnight!
Colin Evans
8   Posted 03/02/2011 at 05:52:21

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to Joe McMahon (4):

"Wagner" Do you mean that nice chap off the X-Factor?

Would be a great signing - he is Brazilian afterall - and he has a ponytail if i am not mistaken!

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