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Post-Match Moyes

By Tony Cheek :  06/03/2011 :  Comments (28) :
What Moyes probably said after the Newcastle match:

"Tim, good game apart from their goal. Were you having nap? Otherwise good handling, punching and distribution."

"Tony, thought you got caught out of position a few times son. Looks like you`ll get a few games now. No other option. A couple of good crosses though. Pity Duncan Ferguson wasn't playing!"

"Phil, solid today son. Great goal. Kept it down well. Should really score more though. Some good balls forward."

"Sylvain, Good game son, but please don't dribble when you are last man."

"Leighton, what would we do without you, son? I know you are missing Peanut and not getting to the line so often, but keep taking free-kicks like that and we will be in Europe next year."

"Phil, pity about the injury, son; thought you were doing well in the holding role. Gave that twat Nolan a bit too much room at times though."

"Ossie, brilliant thinking for that goal son. Most of us would have hit that first time. Amazing you thought about putting that through the defenders legs. Thought you could have had a couple more though.... again!!"

"Jack, passing is getting better but remember you are allowed to pass forward too. Not just back and sidewards... and shooting practice for you next training!!"

"Mikel, that's more like it, son; looked like something was going to happen every time you got the ball. Christ, you even let Pip take a free kick. More of the same!"

"Louis, not happy with you son. For a player with your ability, I think we are getting too little in return. Should have had at least three today. Sloppy finishing. All I can say is 'must do better'. How are the legs by the way?"

"Becks, Not bad son, some sloppy passing, but at least we saw you run at defenders today. About bleeding time. A couple of good efforts, unlucky not to get on the sheet."

"Johnny, disappointing son. For a player who has played in the World Cup Final, you make some strange passes. Looks like you will get some games now, so time to grow up."

"Victor, not bad. A couple of nice things today! You are obviously lacking confidence, but if I use you then try using the inside of your head too. Should have downed that prick Nolan, would nearly have been worth a red card. Oh, and don't go reading ToffeeWeb again."

"Seamus, Ok, still looking a bit tired. Thought you could have done better with Victor's cross though."

"All-in-all, a lucky three points, lads, we made hard work of it and should have sown it up earlier. Right, have a day off tomorrow, lads, Birmingham on Wednesday. Meet at Goodison at 5pm. Not you Becks, you are staying at mine Tuesday night, and Louis, take a bus!!! COYB."

Reader Comments

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Michael Kenrick
Editorial Team
1   Posted 06/03/2011 at 15:41:01

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Very cheeky, Tony. Can we have this every week? We can start a column for you...
Tony Cheek
2   Posted 06/03/2011 at 15:45:36

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No prob!!
Eugene Ruane
3   Posted 06/03/2011 at 15:47:21

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Brilliant, I particularly like..

"Meet at Goodison at 5pm. Not you Becks, you are staying at mine Tuesday night, and Louis, take a bus!!! COYB."

I'm getting a picture of an awkward Tuesday night tea with Mrs Moyes asking "Would the boy like another slice of ca.."

And Moyes (wiping egg yolk off a plate with bread) interrupting..

"Ach, he's fine Morag......right, seven-thirty, half an 'oors telly son then away to your bed!"
Shaun Laycock
4   Posted 06/03/2011 at 17:11:44

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Brilliant - made me chuckle. Spot on too! Well done that man!
Sam Hoare
5   Posted 06/03/2011 at 17:13:45

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Very good. Make it regular.
Ron Broadstairs
6   Posted 06/03/2011 at 17:13:56

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Tony, if you do it every week, copy to Moyes please, he might find it useful, seriously.

Just watching Spurs v Wolves - amazing what a bit-part Peanuts is in the Spurs team. The gap between them and us is HUGE.
Shaun Sparke
7   Posted 06/03/2011 at 17:34:30

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Very good, Tony, a nice bit of levity in what is becoming an exasperating season.

Ron, that HUGE gap was there for all to see not that many weeks ago at Goodison Park when Spurs walked all over us and showed us just how good they are and how bad we can be... Oh hang on a minute, er we won that one, didn't we?

Duncan McDine
8   Posted 06/03/2011 at 17:38:35

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Love it, Tony... keep em coming. Actually it mirrors my own opinion of the players' performances.
Ron Broadstairs
9   Posted 06/03/2011 at 17:47:56

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I'm with you Shaun, I hate league tables, Champions League qualifications and all that old pony... far prefer one-off victories.
Alan Clarke
10   Posted 06/03/2011 at 18:12:03

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Very good. Can you do a post-match Reading one?
David Hallwood
11   Posted 06/03/2011 at 18:17:49

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Ron (#6), I'm watching the Wolves game and Bale's just come on. Have a seat on the bench for the rest of the season Mr Pienaar. BTW Hammil looks good, £500k and we couldn't come up with it FFS.

ps: Nice one, Tony, if you're going to do a Reading post match allow for sound effects of cups hitting the wall.

Declan Brown
12   Posted 06/03/2011 at 18:44:41

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How about: "Becks, thanks for turning up on time!!!"
Declan Brown
13   Posted 06/03/2011 at 18:47:17

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Sorry Tony, got half way down and got excited, your Becks and Louis comments had me in stitches.

Well done pal, that's a quality article all the way through, really enjoyed that, you should do more of them!!!!
Richard Dodd
14   Posted 06/03/2011 at 20:00:16

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`Bill, have you seen all the nasty things those buggers on Toffeeweb say about you? Time to prove them all wrong and tell us about those billionaire investors you`re talking to!`
Andrew James
15   Posted 06/03/2011 at 19:49:55

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Ron ? you seem to be implying that one of our former best players is now a bit part at another club thus meaning they are superior to us.

Firstly, man for man, our first eleven is as good if not better than theirs. We have taken 4 points off them which reflects that. However, when they look to the bench, they have millions of quid sitting on it. We have Victor Anichebe.

Secondly, Pienaar is not as good at Spurs because he doesn't have Leighton Baines behind him. As both Leighton and Seamus showed when Spurs came to town, their full backs are not the greatest. So come on ? the gap is not HUGE.
Ron Broadstairs
16   Posted 06/03/2011 at 20:25:15

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Andrew, well said. The first para was a masterful piece ? spot on, I refer you to my earlier answer for the rest.
Chad Schofield
17   Posted 06/03/2011 at 18:48:59

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Ha! Love it... Though though he was rather kind to Victor. I too could see Becks at Moyes, but I keep seeing it more as a dodgy 70s unPC series.
Chad Schofield
18   Posted 06/03/2011 at 20:29:59

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Jermain at David and Morag's Xmas 2011
Ian Smitham
19   Posted 06/03/2011 at 21:14:33

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Just funny ? well done and I look forward to a regular input. Cheers, a bit of humour on here is well overdue.
Roman Sidey
20   Posted 06/03/2011 at 22:08:08

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No, no, no. You got it ALL WRONG. Anyone who has heard Moyes speak knows that the only adjective he uses is "great".

Nah, good shit man.
David Price
21   Posted 06/03/2011 at 22:22:25

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Humour, ah yes, remember it well... I guess in the interests of a balanced viewpoint I'll semi look forward to the jovialities the next time we lose a game with a crap performance, instead of the 150 plus, "heads must roll posts" we see instead (and after Reading, I was one of them).
Meantime, the team play well, win well and deserve praise for this. Fine, take the piss in the name of humour, but to do so after that victory doesn't sit right somehow.
Andrew James
22   Posted 06/03/2011 at 22:52:29

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Ron ? I live in North London and don't like hearing how great Spurs are when we all know they are a court case away from the normal mediocrity. See how HUGE that gap is when Redknapp either does time or becomes England manager.

Otherwise, I don't expect to come onto an Everton website where people are saying Spurs are superior to us. They finished beneath us in the 00s a lot, lost in the only real head-to-head we had in the 1990s and came behind us when their so-called great team (Hoddle, Waddle and that biased twit Crooks) were playing in the 1980s.

Yes, they are having a good time but they might not get in the Champs League this season which will only make Harry (an Arsenal fan as a boy) look at Fabio's hotseat.

The term HUGE is what I have problems with.
David Price
23   Posted 06/03/2011 at 23:22:01

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Totally agree Andrew.
Ron Broadstairs
24   Posted 06/03/2011 at 23:48:17

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Andrew, I'm very sorry North London eh, you have my sympathy.

"HUGE" is of course a relative term, there is a conversation I have with my missus about something HUGE, she laughs and calls me a dreamer. Is "LARGE" any better?? probably not, my missus is still laughing!!!!
Chris Jones
25   Posted 07/03/2011 at 01:00:18

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Thanks. I enjoyed that. Original we like. More please.
Gavin Ramejkis
26   Posted 07/03/2011 at 07:46:23

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Brilliant humour, Tony, agree with Michael ? we should have this as a regular post-game shot, especially as we don't know if it's going to be a Jekyll or Hyde day.
Lars Eidissen
27   Posted 07/03/2011 at 09:58:44

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Ron #6: Newsflash ? Pienaar was a bit-part player with us too. With Leon Osman in the side, we score more goals and win matches, as has always been the case. (Was it two wins in 18 Stevie Pee got to enjoy with us this season?)

It's the biggest dodge in the history of this club that he never renewed at £75k/wk with us.
James Hollister
28   Posted 10/03/2011 at 13:15:49

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Lars Eidissen ? I'd have to agree with you, though he could be a real handful, but the lack of goals and him wanting the same wages as Arteta was good at the end we did get shut of him.

Tony, excellent article, keep these coming after every match if you can, absolutely spot on with practically everything, lol.

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