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Alternative end-of-season Awards

By Chris Bannantyne :  28/05/2011 :  Comments (21) :
I have been browsing the old internets for something interesting to read and possibly discuss here regarding our beloved club, and have been somewhat disappointed. We know James Vaughan has been sold, of course, and according to some rags we are close to signing Klose... Right. And that just about sums it up to be honest.

Now I don't much feel like playing Fantasy Manager at the moment, so I will leave transfer discussions to those who care for that sort of thing. What I did find, however, was this fairly humorous article in the Liverpool Echo (everyone's favourite publication, I know).

The link to the article is here:

For those of you who can't be arsed clicking a link (like myself) I will copy/paste the article in its entirety below;

Those of you lucky enough to have attended Everton?s official end-of-season awards may have had your fill of acceptance speeches and gongs ? but Royal Blue couldn?t let the season close without dishing out a few of its own plaudits.

It?s been a strange, topsy turvy campaign which has ultimately left most Bluenoses wondering ?what might have been?. But there have been more than a few moments to savour along the way.

Anyone who read the Echo?s season review this week will know our verdict on the serious points of order from the 2010-11 season, but here are a few more categories that didn?t quite make the list.

The ?Did I really just say that to a journalist?' award: ?If Barcelona comes, I?d go on a bicycle with a large flag to get there?. So said John Heitinga before the season had even began. Heits made it hard for supporters to love him with some of his attributed comments, but the Dutch World Cup finalist ultimately showed the Goodison faithful that he cares about the Blue shirt with some strong displays ? he just occasionally forgets to say ?no comment?.

The ?Closest thing Goodison has come to a Riot? award: Goes to Huyton?s tough-tackling finest Tony Hibbert, who didn?t quite manage to get his long-awaited first Everton goal, but did spark dreams of pitch invasion in the Gwladys Street every time he entered the opposition area. It will happen!

The ?Why didn?t I just turn off Fifa 10 when I first looked at the clock? award goes to... Who else? Jermaine Beckford. The pacy striker ended on a high with his George Weah-esque stunner against Chelsea, but being late for kick-off of the Blues? dismal FA Cup exit against Reading was not his finest hour. Even if he had the credible excuse of a horrifically-congested M62 after a bad crash.

The ?Relentless Twitter banter? award, is tweeted forthwith to skipper Phil Neville, who dishes out some wickedly-barbed messages (never more than 140 characters long!) to everyone from Piers Morgan, to his brother Gary, and team-mate Seamus Coleman. @fizzer18...

The ?Stays extra in the gym' award was one hotly disputed category, with Tim Howard displaying some ridiculously ripped abs in an edition of US sports mag, Sports Illustrated, and fitness and conditioning coach Dave Billows leading by example. But the winner is Sylvain Distin, for looking like he could bench press an articulated lorry and also being a dab hand at badminton.

The ?Tim Cahill award for playing even when in nerve-shredding agony? goes to... Tim Cahill (again) for getting himself back in shape to feature in the Toffees? run-in despite an ongoing condition in his foot which apparently feels like running on broken glass.

?Self-confessed superstition addict? award goes to Leighton Baines, who reluctantly stopped wearing a battered pair of boots he has sported for years this season, but still wears the same shin pads from his Wigan days, and STILL ties and unties his shoelaces on the pitch before every game.

?Toni & Guy hair care? award goes to Louis Saha. The King is the epitome of Gallic cool, and when quizzed on his slightly-odd dyed orange fuzz by Royal Blue, simply replied that he did it to make children laugh. That?s just how he rolls. Nobody argued.

The ?Now I see what they mean when they witter on about the grass not always being greener...? award goes to Steven Pienaar. Peanuts was as popular in the Goodison dressing room as he was with the fans; although he?s now considerably richer, he is neither playing in the Champions League nor guaranteed a first-team slot. There?s every chance the happy-go-lucky South African will still be a hit at White Hart Lane, but he may well also rue the day he said yes to Harry Redknapp and bye to David Moyes.

The ?Do that to my mate and you?re going down? award goes to Mikel Arteta. Cast your minds back, a bad day was getting worse. West Brom were schooling Everton at Goodison, and Gonzalo Jara had just somehow avoided an early bath for a scandalous elbow on Leighton Baines. Cue the usually cool and collected Mikel Arteta to leave a size eight imprint on Jara?s thigh and earn himself an early breather.

And finally...

The ?How to almost have your head removed from your shoulders by an irate Scotsman? award: Goes to ref Martin Atkinson, who unwisely blew up as Everton were mid-attack and chasing all three points against Manchester United in September. Moyes has had some impressive paddies at Goodison, but this was one of his finest.

Now, just for fun, my challenge to you, fellow ToffeeWebbers, is to lighten the day with your own humorous awards. There are some funny bastards that frequent this site, so it shouldn't be a problem. Feel free to dish out any awards to players from other clubs, refs, managers etc if you feel like it.

Personally I would like to give a 'WWE award for simulated agony' to Jon Obi Mikel for his performance that earnt young Seamus a second yellow last week.

Frank Lampard gets two, he gets a 'New world record for 50-metre sprint' award for the speed that he got to the ref in the aforementioned incident, and also the 'Star Wars Jedi mind trick' award for managing to change the referee's mind to issue the second yellow.

That's it for me: let's see what you've got.

Reader Comments

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Guy Hastings
1   Posted 28/05/2011 at 22:26:59

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The MotD Goal of the Season That Never Was Because MotD Awarded The Accolade the Previous Week, Not That Pundits Even Mentioned It Anyway, goes to J Beckford.
Dean Adams
2   Posted 28/05/2011 at 22:41:03

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The "we are living in a classless society" as uttered by some politician goes to the entire Chelsea team for their total lack of afformentioned class. First bit of truth from a politician that I ever heard...
Rob Sachro
3   Posted 29/05/2011 at 00:23:08

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The "I know the goal's there somewhere but I just can't seem to hit it" award goes to... who else but Victor Anichebe! Plus the "I'm in the oppostion area now, good chance to score or at least have a shot at goal... but no, think I'll just fall over!" award goes to... yep, Big Vic again... I admire his spirit and effort, he's just complete cack unfortunately. But hey ho!
Brian Hill
4   Posted 29/05/2011 at 06:39:32

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The "I can't believe I hate Man U so much" award goes to me, after I screamed for every Barca goal last night, despite convincing myself beforehand that I was "neutral".
Mike Gaynes
5   Posted 29/05/2011 at 06:36:38

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The "We Most Humbly Apologize And Will Now Eat Crow" Award... to Leon Osman from the many ToffeeWeb denizens who spent most of the season deriding, insulting and slagging the little fellow and wound up watching him keep us in the top half of the table.

The "Will You Shut The Hell Up, Daddy" Award... to the senior Fellaini, whose son cavorts the Goodison turf with frequent brilliance and an often-costly fearlessness while Papa relentlessly touts him to bigger clubs.

The "Beautiful Dreamer" Award... who whomever it was that spent the season gently snoring on the bench as our backup keeper. I don't actually recall who it was...
Mike Gaynes
6   Posted 29/05/2011 at 06:52:38

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And one more... the "See Ya Later" Award to the Big Fella for that stepover spin on Scholes. One of the best moments I've seen.
Ray Roche
7   Posted 29/05/2011 at 08:16:44

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The Fastest Recovery From A Life Threatening Injury Which Has Left Me Poleaxed On The Floor In Obvious Agony Award goes to former red Emile Heskey for his impressive Lazarus-like recovery following a challenge by Wigan's Antolin Alcaraz which left him, apparently, on the way to an Intensive Care Unit. Heskey suddenly leapt to his feet, unaided, and virtually assaulted ref Mike Jones who was so terrified and in fear for his own life that he only produced a yellow card.

Jones said later that, had it been Fellaini, he'd have been shot at dawn after several hours water-boarding.

Dennis Stevens
8   Posted 29/05/2011 at 11:59:29

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The Jekyll & Hyde 'Season of Two Halves' Award goes, yet again, to David Moyes & his Everton squad ? the prize being a trip to see Bill Kenwright's touring production of ...... Jekyll & Hyde!
Roman Sidey
9   Posted 29/05/2011 at 13:08:04

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The "my bosses are mugs and obviously don't supervise us while we work" award - Victor Anichebe.

The "I'm not going to change the way I play, but I'm still going to go from average, bodering on shit journeyman, to season saving, heroesque icon" award - Leon Osman.

The "what do I have to do to impress some stupid ginger?" award - Yakubu.

The "had FIFA changed their international rules 4 years earlier, I'd be able to play a full season" award - Tim Cahill

I'm gonna let you figure that last one out.
Brian Waring
10   Posted 29/05/2011 at 13:51:26

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The "I can't stand up for falling down" Award to Anichebe, for when any opposition player comes near him.
Martin Handley
11   Posted 29/05/2011 at 14:51:45

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The "I will score a goal before I retire/die" [delete as appropriate] Award goes to... Tony Hibbert.

The "I will get off the bench and get a game soon" Award goes to... Shane Duffy.

The "I've got some dodgy video footage of the boss shaggin a barmaid" Award to... yes, that's right, Big Vic.

Terry McLavey
12   Posted 29/05/2011 at 16:58:20

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The Award goes to the board (no rhyme intended!) to sell as many players a we can to fund our ridiculous salaries and not buy any. (Unless they're from the Championship or lower!!) They've started already I see; I hope James Vaughan doesn't come back to haunt us as ex-players seem to do (but it's alright if ours do it... Distin for example!!)

As for last night! ? Is that what football is supposed to look like!?! I text a mate who's a Manc, said "Good goal by Roo but it looked like Premiership against Championship" didn't get a reply! Not even abuse! They don't like it up 'em do they!!

Have a good summer boys and thanks for all the entertaining articles and comments! to paraphrase Del boy "Next year, we'll be Champions" ... See yus!

Aiden Doyle
13   Posted 29/05/2011 at 17:20:41

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This season?s Risking Terminal Constipation award goes to Bily for failing to give a shit the entire season.
Dave Smith
14   Posted 29/05/2011 at 20:01:02

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The 'I Can't Believe The World Still Hasn't Realised FIFA Is Single Handedly Killing Football' Award ? goes to anyone who still belives in FIFA.

The 90 Minutes Of My Life I Will Never Get Back Award ? goes to West Brom at home.

The Hardest Working Man At The Club Award ? goes to Bill Kenwright. Has he even had any sleep since he started his 24/7 search?

The Obliterate Any Hope I Had Left About Next Season Award ? goes to Bill Kenwright for telling Moyes he needs to sell to buy.

The You Deserved Better Than Being Shipped Out To Leicester While Anichebe Is Rewarded With A New Contract Award ? goes to Yakubu
Tony Cheek
15   Posted 30/05/2011 at 05:30:11

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The "I Dont Care How Good You Are, I'm Taking This Free Kick" award goes to.... Mikel Arteta.

The "I'm a Miserable Bastard and There Is No Way You Will Take a Penalty, Tony" award goes to.... David Moyes!!

Chris Bannantyne
16   Posted 30/05/2011 at 11:37:48

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The 'Oliver' "Please sir, can I have more?" Award goes to... Roberto Mancini.
Liam Reilly
17   Posted 30/05/2011 at 12:10:25

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The "shut up you twat" award goes to Andy Gray for his comment just after Man Utd had scored their third goal at Goodison.

"Sir Alex should think about taking Scholesy off now to give him a rest before Wednesday's Champions League tie, as it's job done here".

Our Andy could also be a double award winner of course with the; "How to lose the best pundits job in Football" award in one hilarous weekend.
John Hall
18   Posted 31/05/2011 at 05:03:00

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The "I'm the secret weapon ? but does that mean I'll never get a game?" award goes to Magaye Gueye.

Also the "My god, I'm tall and have quick feet and can score a few goals, but will never get a game" award goes to Apostolos Vellios.

John Hall
19   Posted 31/05/2011 at 05:06:00

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The "We try hard and are constantly overlooked and will be culled in a few days" award goes to the entire reserve team.
Tony Hale
20   Posted 31/05/2011 at 16:35:40

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The "I've just psyched out England's second best left back" award goes to Johnny Heitinga for shoving that knob Cashly in the FA Cup shootout.

Paul Wilcox
21   Posted 03/06/2011 at 23:49:21

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The 'oh my God I've only just spotted this great thread and the last post was three days ago' award goes to ..... Me!

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