Skip to Main Content
Members:   Log In Sign Up
Text:  A  A  A

The Best of the Rest

By Colin Grierson :  12/05/2008 :  Comments (29) :

It started quite well with a home win v Wigan
But was hardly a sign that this year?d be a big?n.
Spurred on at The Lane with a fine victory.
Two games gone, we were top of the tree!!!

Off up to Reading, Majestic we weren?t
3 points lost, our pinnacle spurned
Rovers next, Moyes up against Hughes
A McFadden stunner rescued The Blues.

Then we wandered to Bolton and managed a win
Joleon leapt, we didn?t half make a din
At home to the Mancs who relied on a last ditch,
Undeserved winner from Nemanja Vidic.

The adventure begun, Metalist beckoned
But it wasn?t the result that the faithful had reckoned
More disappointment, despite the two reds
We were left at the end with our hands on our heads.

Back to The Prem, we weren?t up to the task
An away win at Villa was too much to ask
European hangover, don?t make me laugh
Squad rotation, a defensive gaff!

The boys showed their steel with a win at Sheff Wed
Two more from McFadden put this one to bed
Into the hat for the draw for round five!
It?s great to have ?second string? cup hopes alive.

Its round about now some readers will say
?Fuck this for a lark, reading poetry?s gay!?
You know who you are; makes no difference to me
There?s bound to be critics with ADHD.

Back to the season now, on with the prose
It was up to the challenge of Boro we rose
Hardly a classic though, I must admit
We secured the win, but Phil Neville was shit.

Now to Kharkiv, the side from the Ukraine
With that feeling of... No! Here we go again
A brilliant, composed, solo goal from Big Vic
Won the tie for the Blues, left the home side quite sick.

Through to the group stages; skin of our teeth
At the final whistle there was great relief
Shouldn?t happen like that ?gainst a team of their ilk
We made a pig?s ear from a purse of silk.

The Geordies away looked a tough tie knowin
An old foe awaited in the form of M. Owen
The Barcodes were happy, Big Sam wore a smile
Of course this preceded the Geordie fan?s bile.

?THE DERBY?. It wasn?t poetic at all
The referee Twattenburg gave us fuck all
The red shite stole the points from the game
The twelfth man was the culprit and still evades blame.

The little fat waiter and all of his mates
Made their way back through the Skanky gates
They couldn?t believe their luck that day
They deserved fuck all on the balance of play.

Three class goals ?gainst a poor team of Greeks
Larissa though, exposed our defensive leaks
But onward we marched with some great football played
The points in the bag, we were top of the grade.

Derby away, they really are poor
Their strikers wouldn?t trouble a triple barn door
On to Luton and what can I say?
Another cup win, we?re on our way...

The Brum at home and for us a late brace
A grander occasion Carsley?s goal would grace
Our form is good, another win for the Blues
We keep on winning when I expect us to lose.

It?s all about the law of averages you see
When you support the Blues, expect to lose 1 in 3
I really can?t help it; it?s all that I know
To be pessimistic helps soften the blow.

It?s off to Germany where we?re awarded a pen
Quite a while has passed since we took one of them
Big Vic sprung off the bench and made it two
A wonderful win for the boys in the Blue.

Five wins on the trot since the red shite theft
Maybe we thrive on the sour taste that they left
We?re going really well on a footballing front
Inspired by Twattenburg?s cunning stunt.

A big test, A Sky 4 team, Chelsea away
We soaked up the pressure for most of the day
Then Drogba scored, but the arrogant prick
Was somewhat upstaged by Tim?s overhead kick.

Six without loss what?s going on?
The Mackams at home next, fuck me, 7-1!
Delirious fans are lapping it up
Talking of lifting at least one cup.

Pompey, at their place, a difficult game
We didn?t play well; got a point all the same
Zenit St Petersburg, a Tim goal beat them
What a difference a run makes, now back to the Prem.

Fulham at home and it?s easy to see
The class of the Yak as he netted all three
The Yak was fed and as predicted did score
If he?d stayed on till the end then he may have got four.

Two games v The Hammers, both on our travels
It gets better and better as the season unravels
3 more points, the next round of the cup
Things at The Park are sure looking up.

Xmas in Holland a sight to be seen
3-2 to the lads unbeaten in thirteen
I?m starting to expect us to win every game
I?m an optimist now, it?s a funny old game.

If you?ve got to this point and you?re sticking with this
Why not take this opportunity to go have a piss
I?ll wait for you here, let?s call it half time
It?ll give me more chance to come up with a rhyme.

There?s the whistle, let?s go, it?s Manure at their place
A defeat by a single goal; that?s no disgrace
But, for a moment of madness from Steven
The game would?ve finished with honours even.

Bolton at home an expectant crowd
The boys win again, they did us proud
Neville scored, the crowd gave a cheer
If it was up to me he?d be out on his ear.

Gunned down at home in our next Sky 4 test
We weren?t as bad as the score but Arsenal were best
They stuck in their chances with great aplomb
The cannon took aim and was true with the bomb.

Boro next on a wet New Year ?s Day
Oh what fun it was to see us win away
A makeshift side performed well in the wet
We?d not seen the best of that Boro side yet.

Round 3 of the cup, would this be our year?
Oldham at home, surely nothing to fear
Well, a wonderful result for plucky athletic
Frankly, The Blues were atrocious, pathetic.

Davey had fielded a weakened side
A Wenger-like decision, a little bit snide
Another chance gone; round 3 and out
It really was an amateurish bout.

Chelsea, the semis, is an away goal enough?
We?re still in with a chance but it?s gonna be tough
They?re not the same team now Mourinho?s gone
We can still win this! We only need the one!

City at home they?ve done well under Sven
Another 3 points and now 5th in the Prem
The ?Scottish Rooney? had played his swan song
And we failed to replace him? Kenwright! Kens wrong!

The Latics at their gaff, two up at half time
We hadn?t played well, a worrying sign
We moved into 4th though, displacing the shite
The Champion?s league? Who knows we just might.

Second leg of the semi at Goodison beckoned
The Chelsea reserves were a force to be reckoned
We gave it a shot and we chased down that goal
It eventually came... from the boot of Joe Cole.

Another chance missed, tell me ma, tell me ma
To get the tea on, cos I?m not going far
The European dream would continue, till then
It was at home to Spurs, bread and butter, the Prem.

Afcon, suspension, injuries galore
Hardly a surprise that we failed to score
Three left backs we had playing that day
A goalless draw not a bad result eh!

To Ewood Park next and another huge crime
Committed by Wiley, the culprit THIS time
It beggars belief the decisions they make
How can they sleep at night For Fuck?s sake.

It evens itself out over a season they say
In the next game the Royals didn?t have it their way
We were subdued... substandard... poor
We even relied on Jagielka to score.

Away then to Sweden to SK Brann
Two nil to The Blues, Big Vic is The Man
The second leg, well, it turned into a rout
The Swedes, heavily defeated, down and now out.

The City of Manchester Stadium today
Sven?s men whoop-assed, a majestic display
That kind of performance makes you feel proud
Makes the away support sing very loud

Pompey up next, and its little v large
The Yak, an ex-Pompey man, leading the charge
Diminutive AJ, hungry for the ball
He helped turn the tide from the big to the small.

Fiorentina up next, here we go, here we go
We ALL know that there?s gonna be a show
Except for the team who FAILED to turn up
Effectively whimpering out of the UEFA cup.

I really looked forward to that European night
And I?ve rarely seen us play so shite
The only accolades belonged to Tim Howard
The rest of the team... a collective coward.

The stadium of light was our next port of call
But the Mackams didn?t get any luck at all
Another 3 points from another one nil
For Sunderland this was a bitter pill.

The 12th of March, a memorable night
The atmosphere gave the visitors a fright
We went for the Florence lads right from the start
Its nights like these that put strain on your heart.

We battered them, yes, we did ourselves proud
On a crest of a wave with the noise from the crowd
Extra time, and then, the ball placed on the spot
My stomach was tied in a gigantic knot.

Fiorentina clinically found the onion bag
We suffered misses from the Yak and the Jag
The crowd were now silent, you could hear a pin drop
Our European adventure had come to a stop.

To the Cottage next and 3 points most would say
But it?s been quite a while since we beat Fulham away
Some people say they?re our bogey side
And almost inevitably, a goal from McBride.

A massive blow to our 4th place hopes
The red shite now had us against the ropes
If we can?t beat a team from the bottom three
What kind of Sky 4 pretenders are we?

The Hammers at home, time to attack
A wonderful turn and strike from the Yak
Dean Ashton rose like a salmon to level
We?ll not win a thing while our captain is Neville.

The Derby at Anfield, let?s make amends
Who says the Blues and the Redshite are friends?
Knocked off the ball by Kuyt and the rest
Embarrassing to say, but they really were best .

The crowd that day was reminiscent of Rome
When the Christians found themselves gnawed to the bone
A bear pit with so-called fans chanting pure sin
If this is what success brings then I?d rather not win.

The Capital of culture? On that day? A farce
As Jim Royle would put it, succinctly, ?My Arse?
We should be ashamed of the things that were said
By the Scousers in Blue and the Nordics in red.
Derby County, the worst ever team in the Prem
A burden it was, to overcome even them
A great pass from Manny for Ossie to net
We were rubbish again, this was one to forget.

The Brummies at their place? Scotch Rooney? on show
How we escaped with a point, I don?t know
On this form I don?t know quite were we?ll be left
With this hoofball mentality and technique bereft.

Played Chelsea on the day that was named after Thor
If we were still playing now we still wouldn?t score
Its ugly stuff right now from The Blues
We?re playing so badly we can?t fail to lose.

Martin O?Neill brought the Villains along
For the first time in ages The Blues were on song
Arteta came on, but what?s happening there?
He looks like a player whose mind is elsewhere.

Phil Neville played his best game for ages
But passion alone doesn?t justify his wages
Villa ended the game with strikers galore
A bold intent that earned them a draw.

A boring game saw a reserved Arsenal
Looking like sharing a lacklustre nil ? nil
With Yak on the bench it was down to AJ
Who was never gunner score in open play.

A towering header from Nicholas the Dane
Our height in the box had cost us again
It allowed the Villains to fight another day
This race for fifth was to go all the way.

Last day of the season, Come on you Blues
We don?t have to win but we mustn?t lose
Keegan! Owen! The redshites are back
But they proved no match with the Yak in attack.

The party begun when Joleon scored
Great service from Manny whose skills we adored
The crowd started taunting the barcodes and THEN
Would you believe it? The ref gave a pen!

It?s been a good season, the best for donkey?s years
It ended with smiles and allayed all our fears
54 games proved to be a stern test
But we?ve earned our title: THE BEST OF THE REST!

Reader Comments

Note: the following content is not moderated or vetted by the site owners at the time of submission. Comments are the responsibility of the poster. Disclaimer

1   Posted 12/05/2008 at 22:00:18

Report abuse

> Away then to Sweden to SK Brann
> The Swedes, heavily defeated, down and now out.

Sweden????????????? Come on....
Joe Jennings
2   Posted 12/05/2008 at 22:23:19

Report abuse

Fantastic- a great read.
Louis Huglin
3   Posted 12/05/2008 at 22:33:11

Report abuse

Brilliant! A great read, brought back a few memories from the season that did, and so well written. You really don’t like Phil Neville much, do you!
Robert Carney
4   Posted 12/05/2008 at 23:25:28

Report abuse

Well done Colin, contributions like this make it such a great site.
Jay Harris
5   Posted 12/05/2008 at 23:49:16

Report abuse

great one, but must have taken you an hour to type it never mind think about it.
Stuart Reid
6   Posted 13/05/2008 at 00:38:24

Report abuse

Brilliant. You have far too much time on your hands!
Matthew Douglas
7   Posted 13/05/2008 at 01:24:22

Report abuse

Fantastic read, cheers Colin. Good thing you threw in that half time haha.
Michael Dylan
8   Posted 13/05/2008 at 01:54:26

Report abuse

You must be either unemployed or just bored to death.
Santosh Benjamin
9   Posted 13/05/2008 at 01:38:10

Report abuse

Wonderfully written...really enjoyed it!
Colin Grierson
10   Posted 13/05/2008 at 02:28:46

Report abuse

I was always shit at geography Nilfisk so consider it amended.

Away then to NORWAY to SK Brann
Two nil to The Blues, Big Vic is The Man
The second leg, well, it turned into a rout
The NORSEMEN, defeated, down and now out.

I take my hat off to the SK fans
For supporting a team of also rans
When most of their nation on a Friday night
Are boarding a plane to go and watch the Shite.

There I’ve add an extra verse in for you mate to make up for my lack of research!
Keith Young
11   Posted 13/05/2008 at 05:20:43

Report abuse

Colin thanks for the "deliberate" mistake
which was too much for Nilfisk to take.
But if it wasn’t for his readin’ that it shouldn’t be Sweden
we wouldn’t have had the added great rendition!!
Colin Grierson
12   Posted 13/05/2008 at 07:00:09

Report abuse

Michael, I am fully employed with an active social life and two young kids but I do actually like to read and write rather than watch shite on the telly.
You’d be amazed at what you can do if you can be arsed. The busier you are the more you get done mate.
Fergus McCarthy
13   Posted 13/05/2008 at 08:45:59

Report abuse

Did you marry Eskimo Nell?
Ajay Gopal
14   Posted 13/05/2008 at 09:07:05

Report abuse

Brilliant !!

My personal favourite:

Then Drogba scored, but the arrogant prick
Was somewhat upstaged by Tim?s overhead kick.

Still smiling at that one!
Adam Carey
15   Posted 13/05/2008 at 09:35:40

Report abuse

Fantastic peom Colin! Bit hard on Pip at times but the best prose I’ve read in ages.
I look forward to next season’s ditty!
Carl Wright
16   Posted 13/05/2008 at 10:59:38

Report abuse

His name is Phil, its only one extra letter and it doesnt make him sound gay or like a dog.....
Chris Matheson
17   Posted 13/05/2008 at 08:58:03

Report abuse

I can’t wait for the end of next season
And cups or top 4 aren’t the reason
Another fine work like this
I surely can’t miss
from the talented hand of Col Grierson

Well done Colin, it was very funny and still made its points well.
Lee Hind
18   Posted 13/05/2008 at 12:19:35

Report abuse

Its round about now some readers will say
?Fuck this for a lark, reading poetry?s gay!?
You know who you are; makes no difference to me
There?s bound to be critics with ADHD.

Just as I read that I thought "this is going to go on a bit"

Nurse, my ADHD medication please... :)

Great poem mate, well written.
Paul OHanlon
19   Posted 13/05/2008 at 13:06:41

Report abuse

No need to buy the 2007/08 DVD now!

Top stuff Colin.
Michael Hunt
20   Posted 13/05/2008 at 18:36:25

Report abuse

Had me smiling broadly throughout and laughing my eye out at times. Priceless.

Absolutely brilliant Colin, Cheers!

PS. Agree about the telly as well!
Tim Lowe
21   Posted 13/05/2008 at 18:45:15

Report abuse

I gave up at the ADHD bit
Sean Condon
22   Posted 14/05/2008 at 02:13:07

Report abuse

Very nice, Colin. Would?ve been great if you could?ve found a way to put "Clattenburg" and "cunt" in the same stanza.
Colin Grierson
23   Posted 14/05/2008 at 05:51:17

Report abuse

I really try to avoid the ?c? word Sean but here goes:

If referees were a mongrel litter
Then who would be the runt?
A difficult question to answer I know
But I?d plum for that Clattenburg cunt!

How?s that?
David Gallant
24   Posted 14/05/2008 at 07:14:18

Report abuse

Colin, your effort effected a grin
Fuck Chesire. This went from two ears to chin
Not only did you manage to memories revive
You wrought it in skill, with the very best to strive
As a hetero poet who appreciates the craft
To compose such as humorous, factual draft
Allow me to say cheers for a cracking read
Nor least for chastising that odious Swede :)
For the riposte that was doled to Michael Dylan
You have cemented your post as one in a million!
And as for me, back to my reading I shall go
To try and feed the mind and the old ego
Akin to the Yak I suddenly feel ...
Were going places lads, with Moyesie at the wheel!

The bug has bitten. Dipee :)
Sebastian Heath
25   Posted 14/05/2008 at 07:55:08

Report abuse

It was definitely a season of more highs than lows
But seeing the redshite make fourth; that really blows
Fifth ain?t so bad, ?the best of the rest?
But now we must rise, to meet a real test

So onto next season, there?s plenty in store
Yak, AJ, JV, Timmy and Big Vic - surely goals galore!
Jags fumbled early but now looks a star
A call up and Wembley bound, tell me ma

It?s the best team in ages, it?s looking good yes
Memo Leighton Baines: get injured less!
But Hibbert is rubbish, Neville spare parts
Andy van Der Meyde? He?d rather play darts

The mythical Fernandes, I reckon he?ll stay
You get the feeling he?ll bloom one day
Don?t let him go Moyesy, or lead a merry dance
Manny is at Goodison - a freak second chance

We need reinforcements, and left winger that?s true
A fit Harry Kewell, now that would do
I hope signs with us and gets right back on top
He?ll score a 30-yard winner - in front of the Kop!

Imagine him celebrating with a cupped hand to his ear
I?d pay a million quid just to see them leer
They?d hate the sight of that Aussie, all smug in Blue
We?d all be loving it, "You mighty Kangaroo!"

I hate seeing those bastards finish above us again
Looking out of the window, I wonder ?when???
We have to have faith that Moyesy?s our man
He has his detractors, but I?m a real fan

Tactically, I think he?s worse than Big Ron
A defender on, striker off - what?s going on?
We?re chasing a goal, we need one quick
What a crazy he that thick?

But ultimately when I sit back in the pub
I feel good, I know he cares for this club
That?s more than I?ll say for the other few
Redknapp, Big Sam, Souness - it?s the money for you

It?s more than loyalty though, our spirit is real
And that?s something every Toffee can feel
The Premiership, The Sky 4, It?s all a bit fake
Everton under Moysey? I?d rather our take

There?s no need for Kirkby; that?s not us
The muppets want our money, they?re full of puss
Our club is bigger, stronger and bolder than that
We?ll rise once again - our fans stick fat

And I so I urge you to join me, in adding a poem
Even just a line, ?We?re Everton, we?ll show ?em!?
I?ve enjoyed writing here, thanks for reading all this
This time next year, maybe AJ won?t miss

I?m dreaming...wouldn?t it be nice to hold a cup up?
Our drought can?t last forever. No. Nup
I won?t accept it; empty season?s aren?t fine
I really can?t wait for May 2009

UEFA Cup, FA Cup or Premiership? Just one, my darling
Ahhh, stuff it - I?d even by happy with the Carling
Just a final, just a feeling, it all seems so long
Since Rideout popped up and we burst into song

This rhyme is nothing on Col, he is the master
But mine to read - at least it was faster!
I?m looking forward to August, and seeing the boys
And that man with red hair, our very own Davey Moyes.
Colin Grierson
26   Posted 14/05/2008 at 15:58:15

Report abuse

I’m looking forward to August as well Sebastian and I enjoyed your poem but, Harry Kewell !?!?!?!?!?
I’m lost for words apart from these four:
Over my dead body!

Ciaran Byrne
27   Posted 14/05/2008 at 16:09:40

Report abuse

Very nicely written Colin, i really must say ,i really did enjoy that , untill the shite got away :-( But keep the faith , at least for one more year, when perhaps you can write one with out any fear !.
heres hopeing we finish above them next year,

Eoghan McGuire
28   Posted 15/05/2008 at 19:19:45

Report abuse

Cracking ode mate. Love it. I really couldn’t round up the season better, never mind in Rhyme.

Guy McEvoy
29   Posted 15/05/2008 at 22:48:15

Report abuse

Far. Too. Much. Time. On. Your. Hands.

But respect for using it that well!

Add Your Comments

In order to post a comment to Column articles, you need to be logged in as a registered user of the site.

Log in now

Or Sign up as a ToffeeWeb Member — it's free, takes just a few minutes and will allow you to post your comments on articles and MailBag submissions across the site.

© ToffeeWeb

We use cookies to enhance your experience on ToffeeWeb and to enable certain features. By using the website you are consenting to our use of cookies in accordance with our cookie policy.