Skip to Main Content
Members:   Log In  |  Sign Up

The Bends

By Barry Blackmore :  19/09/2010 :  Comments (8) :

The bends or decompression illness as it is medically known is generally caused when a diver surfaces too quickly from depth. Air contains 80% nitrogen, which at the surface is inhaled and exhaled without effect. At pressure this nitrogen is forced into the bloodstream and if a diver ascends from depth without allowing sufficient time to 'off-gas' nitrogen bubbles can form, leading to the bends

So in the wake of yesterdays debacle the laptop was dully lashed, bottle of red wine necked, stereo turned to 11, in full on stroppy teenager mode listening to the marvellously mopey Radiohead masterpiece 'The Bends'. It was listening to the title track and specifically the line "where do we go from here, the words are coming out all weird, where are you now, when I need you?" when my swimming mind turned back to our beloved blues.

In order for us to avoid our own Evertonian version of the bends, as we all currently wallow in the depths of pity, self recrimination and finger pointing, it is worth looking at the problem of what is rotten in Gotham from a more considered, philosophical perspective, before we rise again to get behind our beloved blues.

?Where do we go from here, the words are coming out all weird, where are you now, when I need you? To repeat the line again I truly believe that all of the blues current ills are underpinned by one thing and one thing alone, communication. As anyone with a passing interest in business knows communication is key. And let?s face it football is unfortunately a business now, gone are the innocent halcyon days of yore.

So who?s to blame? Is it our reclusive, pot less, 24/7 luvvie chairman? Our tactically conservative, stubborn manager? Is it our overpaid, spineless, players with minds turned to pastures new? Or is it the deluded masses who visit the old lady, week in, week out, with unreasonable expectations?

Well to be honest I thinks it?s a little from column A, B, C and D. True Blue Bill could spout verbal diarrhoea for England, but let?s have a reality check, the man wears blue tinted glasses, ahem 24/7, so he is not going to sell us down the swany to some dodgy overseas investor ok? However, Bill do us all a favour? Start the fucking AGMs again lad! If there is no knight in shining armour on the horizon, look the fans in the eye and tell them, you?ll get much more respect.

As for the ginger one? Well yesterday was very worrying, watching his body language on the bench he seemed exasperated, subdued and out of ideas, poor communication. Change of manager time? Nah not yet, the man has his faults of course. Persisting in playing men out of position, Leon wide right? Davey stop it now, he?s too fucking slow! Playing one up at home against mediocre teams, negative and its eroding Jermaine Beckford?s confidence already, the lads not ready to lead the line on his own.

However, let?s be clear the bloke can spot a player, and on a fucking shoestring, Cahill, Arteta to name but two. We also have the best squad we?ve had for at least 10 years, which he has assembled; he has not become a bad manager overnight. Anyone who thinks Martin O?Neill will rock up and fancy performing miracles with no funds, need only look at why he left Villa. And besides he?s waiting for Capello?s Muppets to choke in Euro 2012.

My personal hunch is Steve Round. It?s no coincidence that since Alan Irvine left, barring the FA Cup final; we appear to be making a slow slide down the league. Now without wiring up Tony Hibbert we will never know what ratio of tactics and coaching is divided between manager and assistant, and whether the players are behind their methods. However, with a full pre-season behind us, I am yet to see a performance this season which involved our players displaying great movement, making runs for each other and creating angles. Sure we can pass it side to side and keep possession, however, defences are not being turned and players are not supporting and getting into the box consistently enough.

So is this the fault of the players? Well again it comes down to communication. As much as we all love our little Spanish maestro I?m not convinced he?s captain material, sure he can control the flow of a game when were on top, however, I?m not convinced he will get a grip of the rest of the team and drag us by hook or by crook to that first league victory that we so desperately need. Now we all know his limitations as a footballer, but I think we miss the snarling of Phil Neville in the team (preferably right back if he has to play). You only had to look at the shambles of a team yesterday, heads down, shooting withering, exasperated looks at each other, we need a leader, and if pip isn?t fit one of them needs to man up and grow a pair, hell they get paid enough. And if that means upsetting a few egos well boo hoo.

So that leaves us the fans. Are we at fault? Well in a way yes, you pays your money your takes your choice, and makes no mistake that was dross yesterday and rightly we booed. However, surely there were countless cases of sunstroke on TW over the summer? Top 4? Spending bugger all money on a few young prospects and gambling on a division one player. This while the other ?sky four? teams generally keep their squads ticking over and City spend money like a man with no hands.

As the players, management and board need to take a long hard luck at themselves in terms of communication, so do we. Let?s be honest, were not going down, the likes of Blackpool and Newcastle will fall down the league to their natural positions once the initial promotion adrenaline wears off and their inferior squads are exposed to the rigours of the premiership. There really is enough shit in this league to stop us going down. Our manager has his faults, but who can do a BETTER job? We have good players, but so do about 7 other teams, and some much better. So we are a top 8 team, without major investment this will never change.

However, there is light on the horizon, Brentford. Unambitious? Perhaps but honestly a cup, even the carling, is our best chance of putting a smile on our collective faces this season, and hey it gets us into Europe.

So come on Davey let?s put a strong team out, rattle up a cricket score against Brentford, get our tails up for Fulham, get our heads out the sand, and start communicating honestly and clearly with each other.

Because we?re Evertonians we leave all the hysteria and soap opera to the gob shites across the park.


Reader Comments

Note: the following content is not moderated or vetted by the site owners at the time of submission. Comments are the responsibility of the poster. Disclaimer

Brian Noble
1   Posted 19/09/2010 at 18:22:19

Report abuse

That`s right,Barry Boy, blame everybody bar the intransigent bugger who signs the players and picks the team.Just typical of too many Evertonians these days!
Dennis Stevens
2   Posted 19/09/2010 at 18:44:08

Report abuse

Barry, the bends? I reckon you've gone 'round one or two.
" Our manager has his faults, but who can do a BETTER job?"
Nobody, obviously. That is your point is it not? That Moyes is clearly the best manager we could have & is irreplaceable.
Peter Laing
3   Posted 19/09/2010 at 20:34:35

Report abuse

To be honest I think that was a fair assessment and provides the narrative on this season's current woes. Joey Barton has his critics and may be limited in terms of technical ability, however yesterday he showed both the bollocks and determination to ensure that we went home with fuck all. We have many a pretty player amongst our ranks but I am left scratching my head at the lack of a good old fashioned arl arse in the team who will quite frankly mix it with the opposition. The amount of times that Arteta was looking at the referee yesterday for protection was embarrasing, I dont honestly think that Phil Neville is the answer in midfield, and Johnny Heitinga has about as much clout as right said fred. We went down yesterday without the fight, passion and commitment that every football team needs to display, Moyes is 5 games into the dreaded 6 game losing streak when Manager's are usually relieved of their duties. Something has to change soon, next up Fulham ?
Mike Oates
4   Posted 19/09/2010 at 21:00:56

Report abuse

I do believe we have lost that midfield bite , sacrificing it to play attractive on the ground football, but with little pace or cutting edge. We are constantly now loosing to teams with midfielders who wont give you an inch and will ensure that the treatment table will be required for a few days after the game. Not overly dirty but just hard.

Heitinga, Fellaini are not cut out for the rough stuff, Heitinga try to make out he is but he hasn't got the heart to really get involved. Fellaini is just too clumsy and again doesn't really relish a full on challenge . He tends to try and flick the ball away or do some fancy drag back.

Neville is better suited to the role and if there is one change required on Tuesday night is to get Heitinga out and Neville in there with FEllaini helping.
Christopher McCullough
5   Posted 19/09/2010 at 21:35:20

Report abuse

I agree almost entirely.

At this point the management team might aswell give youth its chance. I found it sadly fitting that Rodwell got injured playing in one of two or three positions on the pitch where he is bound to be ineffective.

Let's not forget Fellaini's age just because he is so good and came with a price tag.

Martin Mason
6   Posted 19/09/2010 at 22:01:13

Report abuse

The club could be in real trouble now. They have lost the fans and the squad that Dave built is shown in reality to be built on sand and out of sand. We also have a 10 million pound write off that we have to make for Bily who will never make a premiership player. We've tried the cheap/young route for new players this year and for once Davy's Midas touch has become to look like choosing with a pin and very dark glasses.

I also believe that the very good spell that we had last year was actually quite short in that we were really poor by the end of the season by the time we had the full compliment of missing stars. What was special about that short period when we really did get some good points? For what it's worth I believe the loss of Joleon Lescott hurt us badly and we have never replaced him as a part of what was a very strong defence and as a step in back-up left back and foil for Baine's forays upfield (in neglect of his basic defensive duties).

We have to go back to basics again now and think the unthinkable which should start with selling Bily quickly before he becomes totally worthless. We got our wish of joined up football and found it makes us half the side we were.

If this run continues then Moyes' position could genuinely become untenable and a lot of people could get their wish. I don't want to think about where that could take us as no manager on the planet can make a silk purse out of a club that is becoming the ultimate sows ear. The concept of a waste of space like Martin O'Neill managing Everton is too much to even contemplate and I don't see many alternative stand outs.

The next episodes of the EFC soap opera could get to look far worse than the current farce. or is that comedy. The last thing I can see at the moment is a typically Everton late charge to gloriously just miss out on Europe. We have no excuses for the current dreadful performances like injuries. We could be in serious trouble.

Christopher McCullough
7   Posted 19/09/2010 at 22:56:25

Report abuse


Your first and last sentences are the same. Premises are supposed to reach a conclusion.

Perhaps you've failed to that end because the arguments in between are invalid.

We have NOT got our wish of 'joined up' football, unfortunately. Baines attacking style is one of the team's strengths. The Lescott deal was outstanding and Heitinga can play in that position to the same standard (when selected). The quality of the team has been raised, the financial situation must be better than 2002 and this relative stability is too boring to be described as tragicomic. Martin O'Neill is quite a good manager.

There may be boredom ahead but your apocalyptic predictions are wildly exagerated.

Stephen Kenny
8   Posted 20/09/2010 at 10:21:13

Report abuse

He has already tried to sell us down the river all the way to Kirkby, admittedly for his mate Phil rather than a foreign investor. Open your eyes.

Add Your Comments

In order to post a comment to Fan Articles, you need to be logged in as a registered user of the site.

Log in now

Or Sign up as a ToffeeWeb Member — it's free, takes just a few minutes and will allow you to post your comments on articles and MailBag submissions across the site.

© ToffeeWeb

Latest News

Subscribe to The Athletic, Get 40% off

Online Football Betting with Betway

Bet on Everton and get a deposit bonus with bet365 at

Recent Articles

Talking Points & General Forum

Pinned Links


We use cookies to enhance your experience on ToffeeWeb and to enable certain features. By using the website you are consenting to our use of cookies in accordance with our cookie policy.