Sterile, Clueless, and On the Beach: Everton Player Ratings

Tottenham Hotspur 1 - 0 Everton

If you wanted a microcosm of Everton’s entire campaign, this absolute chore of a football match was it. On a day that required an ounce of attacking intent to sign off the season with some dignity, David Moyes’s side delivered a tactical masterclass in how to pass sideways, look thoroughly knackered, and threaten absolutely nobody.

João Palhinha’s goal just before the break was all it took for a nerve-wracked Spurs side to take the points, but truth be told, they barely had to break a sweat. The Blues offered zero service to Thierno Barry, the midfield pairing looked like they were running through wet cement, and the tactical rigidity on display from the dugout was nothing short of exasperating until the last 15 minutes. By then, it was far to late, the travelling Toffees — as usual, the only world-class component of this football club — deserved infinitely better than this lazy, "on-the-beach" surrender. 

Here is the verdict from a miserable afternoon in London.

The Player Ratings

Jordan Pickford — 5

Hardly had an avalanche of saves to make, but stood no chance with Palhinha's strike. His distribution was back to its erratic worst, routinely humping the ball into the stands or directly to a white shirt.

Jake O’Brien — 3

Got himself booked after just 12 minutes with a clumsy challenge and looked terrified of picking up a second thereafter. Constantly dragged out of position by Destiny Udogie and Mathys Tel. Hooked on the hour mark to save him from a red card, and frankly, it was a mercy killing.

James Tarkowski — 4

Supposed to be the rock of this backline, but looked utterly leaden-footed today. Got a late yellow card out of pure frustration. The lack of clean sheets in the final stretch of this season rests heavily on how easily our senior centre-backs are being turned by any striker with a modicum of pace.

Michael Keane — 3

At this stage of his Everton career, playing Michael Keane feels like a weekly social experiment designed to test the fanbase's sanity. Zero presence, zero tackles won, and stood off his man like he was social distancing. A complete passenger.

Vitalii Mykolenko — 2

Offered absolutely nothing going forward. Played with a frustrating level of timidity, consistently passing backward to Keane or Tarkowski rather than taking a gamble down the flank.

Tim Iroegbunam — 5

To his credit, he tried to inject some energy into a moribund midfield, but he’s being asked to do the heavy lifting for three men while the veterans around him spectate. Chased shadows for long spells before being taken off late.

James Garner — 4

Needs to stop pointing at space and start dropping into it. Supposed to keep us ticking over, but completely lost the midfield battle to Palhinha and Bentancur. Sideways, backwards, repeat.

Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall — 4

Bought to provide a creative spark, but the spark plug is completely fouled. His passing was loose, his positioning was isolated, and he looked entirely out of ideas long before he was hauled off in the 84th minute.

Merlin Röhl — 5

Showed a few bright sparks in the first half with some tidy footwork, but he is fundamentally not a natural winger. Moyes is actively draining the lad’s confidence by isolating him on the flank in a setup this negative. Subbed on 62 minutes.

Iliman Ndiaye — 5

Another typical performance from the jinking ball juggler whpo tried to make things happen, danced out of tight spaces, but he’s playing a completely different sport to the rest of his teammates. No one is ever on his wavelength.

Thierno Barry — 4

Feasted on an absolute starvation diet. He was starved of service, isolated against Kevin Danso and Micky van de Ven, and cut a thoroughly miserable figure. Hard to blame the lad when the tactical game plan is to launch hopeful 50-yard punts at his head.

The Substitutes

Harrison Armstrong (on for O'Brien, 62') — 6

Came on into a broken tactical system. Chased hard, but the game was already dead.

Tyrique George (on for Röhl, 62') — 7

Had a superb effort on goal, they only Everton player to really try and score. I love this lad and just hate the fact that Moyes has tried to break his spirit by keeping him on the bench.

Beto (on for Barry, 84') — 5

Too late to make an impact.

Charly Alcaraz (on for Dewsbury-Hall, 84') — 6

Another bizarrely late sub from the manager -- but he has so much desire... why was he not on so much earlier?

Séamus Coleman (on for Iroegbunam, 84') — 5

A late run-out on the final day, with the match already done and dusted, and he shows what he's still got in the quiver with a great cross that Alcaraz just couldn't jump high enough for.

The Manager

David Moyes — 0

A textbook tactical disaster class. To roll out the same tired, passive, rigid blueprint after the disasters against Sunderland, West Ham and Liverpool is an insult to the fans who paid good money to travel.

His reluctance to trust the youth from the start, his predictable 84th-minute substitutions, and his complete inability to construct a cohesive attacking plan shows a manager who hasn't evolved a single bit. A morose finish to a deeply frustrating campaign.

 

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