The Space Jam Syndrome
Andy McNabb ponders the plight of ex-Everton talent

24 August 2003

I watched the end of the film Space Jam again the other day with my kids for the umpteenth time.  If you haven’t seen it, the storyline basically tells of how a group of NBA stars are magically drained of their ‘talent’, which is then transferred to a previously weedy and useless group of cartoon characters, who are transformed into the evil ‘Monstars’.  The NBA stars are left to fumble around, bumping into each other and unable to even catch a basketball.

My point?

After reading the compelling recent articles on Duncan Ferguson and Michael Ball, I was set thinking about the current fortunes of some of the players we have sold over the last seven or eight years.  I began to wonder if there isn’t some little room at Bellefield where these players have their ‘talent’ extracted before they are sold, thus rendering them useless to any other team. 

Whistling in the dark?

I honestly don’t think so.  Apart from the notable exception of Garry Speed and possibly Marco Matterazi, who disappeared back to Italy, who else can we name from all of our Players of the Year and the rest, who have actually done anything of note?

My rednose brother announced triumphantly a number of years ago about Ray Clemence.  “He dug his grave when he went to Spurs!”  Maybe, but I reckon we have created a whole graveyard of our own:

• Michael Branch (recently passed onto Bradford)
• Andre Kanchelskis (recently passed onto Brighton)
• Duncan Ferguson (yes, I know we bought him back and when I scored twice in a training session last week with my son’s U-16 side, he informed me that would be £800k pounds, thank you!)
• Richard Dunne (sort of playing at Man City)
• Michael Ball (I realise this is a different situation entirely of Everton’s making but the fact remains he hasn’t really played for anyone else since he left Goodison)
• Francis Jeffers ( How much will his goals cost if we rescue him back from obscurity?)
• Danny Cadamarteri ( least said, soonest mended)
• Ibrahim Bakayoko ( last seen somewhere in France)
• Alex Nyarko ( least said…)
• Daniel Amokachi ( Saudi Arabia?)
• Olivier Dacourt ( has lasted at every club about as long as the French did at Agincourt)
• Nick Barmby ( not even on the bench last week at Leeds)
• John Collins (John Who?)
• Don Hutchison (how can a player with the best touch we have seen since Peter Beardsley suddenly become so useless?)
• Andy Hinchcliffe (aren’t Sheff Wed now in the second Division?)
• Earl Barrett (OK, OK – enough is enough)

I could go on but will finish there. I realise that there are also players like Craig Short, who whilst they may not be setting the world alight, are still playing at a good level. However, they are the exceptions rather than the rule. Neither can we say that these were all older players past their best.Five of the players I have here mentioned were products of our Youth system who we had such high hopes for. So, all this begs the answers to three questions. Were these players, who many of us rated highly ever any good, or have we been so bad recently that we will accept anything above the mediocre as great? Or, is there a box around the place somewhere that contains all these players’ ‘talent’? That’s where the parallels with ‘Space Jam’ fall down, because we don’t seem to have distributed it to anyone else! Or, and most scary of all. If we sold the Duke to Chelsea. Would he be on the bench for Stockport County within two seasons? In the film, Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny save the day and the NBA stars get their ‘talent’ back. In our situation all Moysey has to do is find that box. It should say ‘TALENT’ in big letters on the front David…

Andy McNabb

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