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From MY seat ? sometimes! Chelsea (FAC4R)

By Gerry Quinn :  20/02/2011 :  Comments (27) :

Pre-match routine and warm-up:

  • Ciggie and coffee on the go - kick-off here in Houston is 06:30
  • Onto ToffeeWeb, get the feel of the match with fellow biased, frustrated Evertonians, the majority of which don't hold much hope out for a positive result!
  • Trying desperately to find something, somewhere, positive after a week of the Bolton match doom and gloom (for the first time since we went 2-0 down to Wimbledon, I walked out on MY team in disgust - just after halftime in order to do ANYTHING whatsoever in the garden instead - SAD, but true!)


  • Lying back on couch in dressing gown, nervous wreck, angry at commentators who are Chelski supporters? Where's Snods totally biased commentary when you need it?
  • Fretting and hoping we can keep the score sensible - very little faith in our inconsistent performances - which team will I watch today v Chelski?
    10 minutes gone:
  • Beginning to sit up a lot more, moving legs to kick the ball harder than Fellaini - off for ciggie
    20 minutes:
  • Lots of squirming and standing up now in order to hoof it harder than Jags - off for ciggie and silent moan as to why I put up with supporting this frustrating bloody team
    30 minutes gone:
  • Pacing around the living room, moving backwards and forwards from the telly, facing it, turning my back to it, as passes go astray and Chelski take more control - damn, off for another ciggie
    40 minutes gone:
  • Twisting, turning (almost behind couch now) as frustration builds - moves slow down and passes continue to go astray
  • Couch gets whacked by my right hand more and more as crosses come over from both sides, ciggie beckons
  • Legs are getting sore and tightening with cramp as I try to assist all the Everton players pass correctly - and quicker!!!
  • If I had a dog, it would have had sore ribs and arse by now!
  • Cushion on couch now flat from the beatings its' taken


  • Ciggie - wife, Cathie, is up now, joins me and then silently suffers the brunt of my moans about the club being penniless and Chelski able to buy all and sundry, whether they need them or not
  • Even more pissed off when I return - commentators idolising THEM and its almost as though we have no right to be on the same pitch with them - how we haven't beaten them for years at Stamford "Fridge" - hang on, they haven't beaten us there for years, either!
  • Update myself on TW - same names having a go at Moysie
  • I'm now having a good moan about Ladyboy costing more than our whole team - second wind now - shove it up them and silence these sick, biased, "jump on bandwagon" bastards, boys - come on
    Majority of 2nd Half:
  • Much, much more twisting, squirming, stand up, sit down, back of room, ciggies (three puffs) back to telly, every chance I get, I centre, but I'm worse than Hibbo - I dribble, but I'm worse than Osman

Minutes to go:

  • Just as I walk back in from umpteenth ciggie, Fellaini scores - YESSSSSS - gerrinthere you mouthy southy bastards - and I run like a demented whacko back to the garage to let the misses know that we are on our way to Wember-ly. She comes back in with me to gloat over the numerous replays.....OMG, am I pissed off, and she looks at me knowing exactly why my cushion is paper-thin on the floor!
  • back onto TW in the computer room to see the forum reaction to it all
  • However, just like Moysie, my wife picks that wafer of a cushion up, shakes it down, pats it on the back and places it back onto my "pitch" as if telling me and my team to keep going

Extra time:

  • I'm nowhere near my "pitch" for the majority of extra-time, but I'm now back in the garage for more deadly ciggies - Lump-hard has just dun us! That's it, game over....
  • I wonder to myself as I sit dejectedly in the garage as to exactly how much of this match I've actually watched from my "dug-out"? Spending so much time in and out of the reality, can we really be called supporters like Ken, who sits faithfully in HIS seat - or are we just hanging-on sufferers?
  • Cathie disappears back upstairs to the bedroom as far away as possible - she is NOT a good Everton/Gerry watcher when we are losing - probably more to do with my bitching and moaning and my TW attitude of over-reaction to the teams performances/attitude when down
  • I go back in front of the telly as Jags is brought down - no time left. Free kick - Arteta to the left of the ball, Bainsey to the right. My choice for the taker is obvious, please let it be the one that currently can't hit it through a wall of players!
  • The wall sets up, the takers are ready, I position myself behind the couch and pop my head up as Arteta, mercifully, runs over/away from it.
  • My teeth grind painfully as Bainsey launches himself forwards - my fingers are crossed, my squirming blink takes more than a milli-second............
  • Cathie cums-a-runnin out - never mind winning the lottery - she knows exactly what has happened
  • I wanna cuddle and hug THAT dog, too - and apologise for giving it a such an undeserved sore arse!
  • The "puffed-up" cushion is now Bainsey - oh, how I cuddle and hug him
  • Replays by the galore - what a cracker
  • Views of the loyal and fun-loving fans behind that goal - I'm whooping and jumping for them all - they are brilliant (even wonder to myself which one is Ken? What's he look like? No idea, but I bet he won't be in his frikking seat now, eh?)
    Whistle goes for end of match:
  • I'm on Cloud nine - big time!
  • Then it dawns on me - penalties, oh no - the worst possible way to decide the outcome of a match. Whatever was wrong with 6 replays? No Europe for us, replays wouldn't matter to me - but it would certainly impact and kill the Chelski's and Sky 4 though!


  • The cushion become's my face mask - ideal for peeking over now and again
  • The wife disappears, Lump'one scores, Bainsey misses - OMG, here we go again!
  • The Diver sends Tim the wrong way - my cushion gets a twatting, but Jags settles me again
  • Ex-Redshite misses - YES, Arteta whacks his in - first time he has missed the first man in front of him from a dead ball situation all season!
  • Essien, twat, damn, buggery - then Johnny H - boy does he sum up our attitude - team and fans..........barges in to Cashley Cole - wah, brilliant psychology - what a peach of a miserable face that arsehole has as he walks towards the spot
  • Ha, Johnny H must have lapped that "rugby conversion" up on the half-way line - I bet him and Tim Cahill pissed themselves over THAT "nudge", Johnny!
  • The commentator informs me that the Neville penalty will take Everton through
  • Neville spots the ball, and again, then turns it and re-spots it - takes two or three steps back - NOT another Berbatov, surely? From right behind my cushion, I'm muttering loudly, "What the hell are you doing Nevi......"
  • GERRRRRRRINTHERE..........CLASS penalty, CLASS run-up, CLASS celebration in front of the fans - wife comes rushing back knowing the rest of her weekend will be the opposite of last week!
  • No dog to throw up in the air, cushion goes flying - couch gets a good kicking as ALL the frustrtaion of this season disappears......well for now anyway
  • THIS IS THE CUP IN ALL IT'S GLORY - I'm all for penalties when this happens - doesn't half beat those mundane replays!!!!!!!!!!

Reader Comments

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Kieran Kinsella
1   Posted 20/02/2011 at 17:49:04

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Similar to my experience watching the match.
Mike Byrne
2   Posted 20/02/2011 at 18:24:59

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Gerry - excellent - thanks for sharing - brought a tear to my eye.

I couldn't watch it on ESPN yesterday but recorded it. Was agony trying to avoid the score until I got home later in the day and sat down to watch it.

What I didn't realise was that it my cable recorder didn't extend the recording to cover penalties and finished just as the extra time final whistle went!!!

Agony or what?
Tony J Williams
3   Posted 20/02/2011 at 19:26:10

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The pub I was in was in uproar, there was a Redshite fan there too, giving it all when Lampard scored.... went quiet afterwards.
Bob McEvoy
4   Posted 20/02/2011 at 19:38:09

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Gerry... priceless. Wife rang me 3 mins before end of extra time asking when I'd be back. I said I'll be home in 5. I wasn't. Get in!!
Dave Wilson
5   Posted 20/02/2011 at 19:34:41

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Great stuff.

TBLSWK was having his best game for some time yesterday, but when him and Bainesey stood over the ball for that free kick about 50 Evertonians around me said in unison, "Fuck off, Mikky!" Lol

Roman Sidey
6   Posted 20/02/2011 at 19:43:16

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Last week I was claiming that Fellaini should get his afro cut off. Just think, if he had, we wouldn't have had that wonderfully dramatic end. No Bainesy's peach, not Heitinga's rally and shove, no Skipper Phil's curtain calling the away fans! Thank god for that Afro!

Frank McGregor
7   Posted 20/02/2011 at 20:03:05

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Gerry, I watched the game on FSC channel however missed most of the first half. Here in Bridge City just outside of Orange, Texas, I did pertty much the same as you except no "ciggies" also my friend in South Padre Island did the same.
Karl Masters
8   Posted 20/02/2011 at 20:07:48

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Geat Article, Gerry.

I was at work and could only follow via the BBC text only feeds. Ever tried watching a penalty shoot out like that?! I thought I ws going to have a heart attack waiting for the news on Neville's kick.

As the text saying that Neville had driven the penalty home came up I shouted and fell to my knees. At that point 2 female colleagues with no interest in football came into my office and looked very concerned to find me on the floor! I just said, ' Everton have done it!' to them and they looked at each other, and said, ' that explains everything' and left!!! They know me and Everton by now. :)
Tony I'Anson
9   Posted 20/02/2011 at 21:07:38

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Christine Foster
10   Posted 20/02/2011 at 21:30:57

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Oh the agony and the ecstacy!
Good one Gerry, thousands of us everywhere did the same. Sometimes the gods smile on you and you realise how good it is to be an Evertonian. Made up.
Keith Edmunds
11   Posted 20/02/2011 at 21:30:54

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Give up the ciggies mate. You know it makes sense.
Dick Fearon
12   Posted 20/02/2011 at 21:10:52

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My matchday experience in this little downunder country town could not have been more frustrating. Not having access to the only TV channel that showed the game, I jumped in the car and did a pub tour, hoping one of our three ?locals? might have it on the big screen. I had no luck there so I drove home to hear the game via computer on Radio Merseyside.

All I got was a lady saying that, due to contractual reasons, they could not broadcast the game. By now, the second half had started so I desperately logged on to TW?s forum but that made matters worse.

All the Webbers were in throes of excitement yet it was obvious they were commenting on what they were actually watching. Not having a picture to back up what was being said I was begging for one of them to give a clue as to what was actually happening. To read things like, "What a wanker" and not know who the wanker was or what he did to warrant that sobriquet, or if it was one of our own wankers or one of theirs, made things doubly frustrating.

I was just about to give up when someone asked for a site that relayed pictures. Without too much hope I quickly copied and pasted the address. Just in time, I was able to see Baines's marvelous free kick and then the shoot out.

All's well that ends well.

Jay Harris
13   Posted 20/02/2011 at 22:07:28

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Great stuff Gerry.

May the excitement linger on for the rest of the season!!!
Gerry Quinn
14   Posted 20/02/2011 at 22:26:09

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Keith # 11
I knew someone would try to get me to give up smoking - it would be easier at present to give up Everton! It's their fault!
Gerry Quinn
15   Posted 20/02/2011 at 22:28:02

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.....and it's their fault I drink too much Stella!
Tony J Williams
16   Posted 20/02/2011 at 22:56:34

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Dave 5, the same where I was, in fact I was also one shouting "Feck off, Arteta ? leave it to Baines!"
Julian Wait
17   Posted 20/02/2011 at 23:25:46

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Similar here, except in Austin TX but my link went down and then I was getting the 9-year-old ready for his footy tournament as we went into extra time.

Had to watch the penalties on a combination of BBC text and ToffeeWeb live updates, reminded me a bit of listening to the games on Radio Merseyside back in the 70s as a kid.

I confess I had to see it on the BBC before I believed what I saw on ToffeeWeb was true, like it was some massive piss take I was being subjected to.

Have since watched it on Fox Soccer TV and the ITV highlights download. And the 9-year-old (who is turning into true toffee even though he's never been to Goodison) watched it with me again today.
Roman Sidey
18   Posted 20/02/2011 at 23:47:13

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Dick Fearon, where in Aus are you mate?
Mike Gaynes
19   Posted 21/02/2011 at 02:43:30

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Gerry, you are a very funny fellow.
James Hollister
20   Posted 21/02/2011 at 03:27:08

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Dick Fearon - why don't you go to Everton are usually covered every home and away match, and especially against the cash 4.
John Daley
21   Posted 21/02/2011 at 11:58:09

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"...but when him and Bainesey stood over the ball for that free kick about 50 Evertonians around me said in unison, "Fuck off, Mikky!" Lol "

Ha. Even Moyes was thinking it:

"I thought I saw Mikel pointing, going, 'I'm taking it'," Moyes said. "I was saying, 'Oh no!'."
Gerry Quinn
22   Posted 21/02/2011 at 13:25:32

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Mike #19.......
Are you a psychiatrist, per chance?
Spencer Ramsay
23   Posted 21/02/2011 at 13:36:34

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Great report, Gerry. I don't smoke but have had similar experiences to yours. I was listening to the game on Radio 5 live on the laptop in bed as I'm laid up with a bad back. So bad I haven't got out of it for 3 days now. When Baines's free kick went in, my first thoughts were, it doesn't matter we'll lose it on pens.

When Neville's pen went in, I screamed out and the wife came up fearing the worst. When she realised that it wasn't my usual screaming in pain she turned round and said "So your feeling better then?!" I said, "If it wasn't for my back, love I'd be dancing round the fucking house by now!!"

Unbelievable. The trials and tortures of supporting this team of ours!

Karl #8 - Don't make me laugh so much.... it hurts!! :-)
Morgan Rhys
24   Posted 21/02/2011 at 14:10:07

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Chelsea couldn't hold another FA Cup win as Everton beat them on penalties!

Chelsea haven't been beaten in the FA Cup for the last 3 seasons but the runners up of the 2009 FA Cup turned the game around for a famous Everton win. Chelsea haven't beaten Everton since the 2009 Final, that is 3 draws and 2 Everton wins.

Frank Lampard put Chelsea ahead in 104th minute of the game after a dozen of Lampard chances.

But Everton stunned Stamford Bridge by equalising with one minute of the game to play with a curling Leighton Baines free-kick into the top left corner.

In the penalty shoot-out, both sides missed once before Ashley Cole fired over the crossbar, and then 34-year-old skipper for Everton Phil Neville sealed a 4-3 triumph.

Michael Kenrick
Editorial Team
25   Posted 21/02/2011 at 14:11:24

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Well done, Morgan, that's very nice.

Now if you can work on getting that in lickety-split after the match, you can have a job as our new leader writer!
Ken Buckley
26   Posted 21/02/2011 at 14:23:01

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Cracking account Gerry. Your seat seems ten times more traumatic than mine. New cushions required for Saturday.

David Price
27   Posted 21/02/2011 at 20:29:16

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Brilliant Gerry, brilliant. Just when I'd finally stopped smiling from Saturday, I read this and start all over again..

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